flying under the gaydar

Enjoy the stupid!

2008-10-25T09:33:00.000-06:00

*ahem*

So I had my students watch the Presidential debates and they had to write summaries and then follow up with their opinion. Some of the things they said were so entertaining. Clearly they were not watching the same debates I was. And clearly some of them are just stupid. Nonetheless I have decided that excerpts from their papers are too choice not to share so please enjoy the stupid!

It seemed like all McCain said the whole time was, “Thank you, thank you for that question. That was a good question. You are wonderful. America is great. I can do it. I have done things before and I can do this. I can do it. I will do it. Obama sucks. You guys are amazing.”
It was obvious that she totally owned Biden. It was a contest between a sharp “maverick” and a delusional madman.

I wasn’t really looking forward to watching the debates considering it overtook grey’s anatomy but I got over it.

I always considered Palin smart and witty, but after that comment, knowing that she must have been prepped on that part of Bidens life, I felt like she was being a b word that I shouldn’t write in this paper.

Biden disagrees that heterosexual marriages should be allowed.

It seemed like Palin was too busy slinging mud and talking about how she did things back in Alaska that she never really go the answer the questions…. Really how many Americans do you know that have been to Alaska?

In this debate we learned that Obama is a cheater because he would not stick to the time limits. Although McCain did not either, he at least attempted and did not just plain ignore them…. At the end of the debate, I felt like McCain ended up looking like the bigger man, and Obama ended up looking like a liar and a cheater.

Obama gave the appearance of a sleazy car salesman, someone who wanted to sell you something quick and didn’t want you to look to hard at the fine print or in this case his actual views of the topics. He uses a lot of rock bands and movie stars as a reference as to what a great guy he is, hoping to catch the eye of the young and uniformed voter as the “cool” choice. McCain has actual members of government and friends and family to back him up. McCain’s personal appearance was not one of a flashy, shiny toothed camera loving politician, but more of a humble guy who has experience and has been through a lot, and ACTUALLY CARES.

When I watched this it was very hard for me to follow along with what they were saying, probably because I didn’t care much for what they were saying. I am sure when I am older I will care but for now I have no idea what they are talking about. Overall I think John McCain won the debate because he was bringing out the truth about Barrack Obama. Obama has socialist views on health care and on the economy. If history has taught us anything, it is that Socialism does not work, for example look at the USSR and all the Eastern European countries during 1991. During this very crucial time in our nation’s history, we need a man with experience who can run our country into the right direction. Obama has no experience in Washington, nor has he ever worked with everyone in Congress. Obama is by far the most far left liberal and inexperienced candidate in our country’s history.
I do not enjoy watching these presidential debates at all. I find them extremely boring and hard to understand. After watching last wednesdays presidential debate I thought that McCain won overall because he taught me things about Barrack Obama that I never knew. I never knew that Obama was friends with communist people and that he has socialist views on certain things. Frankly I don’t like what he is all about and I don’t want a weirdo running our country, so if I were allowed to vote I would vote for McCain. I did like Barrack during the start of the campaign but now I have realized what he is all about. I don’t trust someone that is good friends with communists and socialists and they should be nowhere near having the job of protecting millions for American lives. Hopefully us, the American people make the right choice on who is to be our future president, whoever that is.

I think McCain needs to calm down he acted like a baby all through the presidential debates.
I really love McCain and think that he should win. He said a lot of comments that made Obama feel stupid…. All I know is that if I were able to vote, I would vote for McCain. I think he would be a better President. he would help America out a lot more than Obama would. So please vote for McCain Ms. Bastian.

I think Obama is a straight up lunatic who would do nothing but run the country down the toilet.
Once thing i noticed is how McCain would get very worked up over a subject and Obama would just kind of smile and act like McCain was an idiot.

S.

politics ruin my life...sort of

2008-09-04T17:14:00.003-06:00

Being a government teacher at ye old semi-local high school during an election year trying to keep my personal political views as private as possible is not an easy task. I've kept up on both conventions and watched the "important" speeches each night and find myself at some points barely restraining objects flying from my hands toward the TV. At one point Drex offered me some Chinese candy to throw at the screen during certain speech. Some politicians remain on mute because they make me physically ill while I find myself drawn to the most unlikely of speeches.

It's so hard to remain politically neutral when I just want to yell, "CANDIDATE X IS CLEARLY THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THE NATION!!!! ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN CAN SEE THAT!!!" I know that everyone has their agency and all that jazz, but sometimes, politics ruins my life. And I can't stand when my students blatantly disrespect either candidate. They both deserve some respect and I can't seem to beat that into their heads. Oh well...November isn't actually all that far away.

I also hate pot-shot politics from either side. Can't we just argue policies? Boo...hissssss

Now I'll leave it to Drex to get back to spirituality...

S.

e. holland: byu training

2008-07-01T22:17:00.000-06:00

One thing that we thought we should bring up with Elder Holland was the lack of training for ecclesiastical leaders on a local level, especially at BYU. One of the big issues that I've seen, especially with new people entering the Mohosphere/social circles, is that reactions and receptions from bishops are varied, and it really seems like luck of the draw. I was a high school senior when I first told my bishop, and he was very open and understood the difference between temptation and sin. He did some research and got back to me with a "Well, there's not really any Church literature provided for people who haven't sinned, so just keep on doing what you've been doing." I told my stake presidency member during my pre-mission interview, and his only advice was not to tell any of my companions. I told my bishop when Salad and I got engaged, and while he was (and is) one of my favorite bishops ever, he really didn't get it, and told me as I focused on Salad, it would go away (haha). And when I talked with Salad's bishop when we got engaged, he pulled out the Evergreen monthly bulletin thing, and had all manner of resources that he knew of. It's really a mixed bag. Many people have had much worse experiences than I have.

While a widespread training protocol for bishops and stake presidencies everywhere would be difficult to compile, let alone implement, more training for BYU bishops and stake presidencies would be much more doable. With the concentration of young single adults, the number of people impacted would also be higher. Elder Holland agreed, and said that it might be very beneficial to do some additional training for the leaders. He pointed out the difficulty of reaching individual bishops in more remote locales, and pointed out that not all bishops will encounted the issue, but that the concentration of people at BYU would make it a good place for training, and could possibly lead to ways that more generalized training could be done. No promises were made, but it seems like this was a good idea that might bear fruit.

an afternoon with elder holland

2008-06-27T16:31:00.000-06:00

So I was interested in what sorts of questions you all would ask because I wanted to get a feel for where other people view things as being. I know where I am in life and where I stand, but a slightly more generalized overview would be advantageous going in. Last Wednesday Salad and I drove up to Salt Lake to meet with Elder Holland. We had spoken with him for about 15 minutes on the phone before, but he wanted to meet us in person and have time to actually sit down and talk.

We got there about 15 minutes early, and waited about 20 minutes before we were shown in. Elder Holland apologized profusely for running late. Hah, 5 minutes. My family runs about 45 minutes late. :P We were nervous before going in, but as soon as we saw him and shook his hands, all nervousness vanished. He shook my hand, then took Salad by the cheeks and exclaimed "Oh, how wonderfully rosy your cheeks are!"

We talked for about half an hour, then he had to take an international conference call - but he wanted more than just the 25 minutes or so with us, so he asked us to stick around until he was done, and we could continue our conversation. All told, we spent about 45 minutes in his office speaking with him.

I don't want to go into the entire meeting all in one post - having this up here will help me remember that I have to post. :P So I'll continue on later with some of the things we talked about. One question in particular that I raised was posed by a friend. He wanted to know whether supporting gay marriage issues would be grounds for taking away one's temple recommend. Elder Holland was quite clear on this point - that is not grounds for losing a recommend, nor, he hopes, will it ever be. Political opinions of such a nature have no bearing on temple worthiness. If ever it were to be such an issue, a statement would have to be issued directly from the First Presidency, and it would likely become one of the temple recommend questions. He cited the ministry of President Heber J. Grant. He was president of the church when prohibition was first instated, through the entire time it was in effect, and when Utah was the state that cast the deciding vote, ending prohibition in the United States. He was horribly distraught over it, especially after urging the members to work towards it, but it never became a point of temple worthiness.

--drex

quick questions, due wednesday morning

2008-06-16T16:03:00.004-06:00

Are there any specific SSA-related questions that you have for the Church that have not been satisfactorily answered?

What aspects of Church teachings or practice drive you away from attendance/feeling included/whatever?

If you were in charge, what would you do to increase understanding or help the situation?

Whoopsie...!

2008-06-11T19:48:00.002-06:00

I guess we should give up our exhibitionist ways...

Awesome article

Anyone who wants to help us pay for indulgences should make checks payable to salad and drex :D

-S.

And now for the Juniors

2008-05-22T15:01:00.003-06:00

So my Juniors were assigned the task of assembling a portfolio on WWII. While their grammatical errors were not as profuse as my seniors' (figure that one out) they did have some pretty humorous things to say, so I thought I would share:

“Our nation is like a heavy weight boxer. If we get punched in the mouth, you better expect to get knocked out.”

“Churchill and Roosevelt combined and destroyed all who stood in their way. Sort of like Batman and Robin, but without the cool suits that made it look like you had a six-pack.”

“We must rationalize our food consumption in order to feed you brave soldiers in the war.”

“Dwight worked for two years, and then went to apply to a Navel Academy.”

“…during this time is when he start build some of his Anti-Jew sediments.”

“I can’t believe that you have only been gone for a month and a half it seems like so much longer. I thought this may make your day happier to know that we are expecting our third child in eight months.”

Only one week left and then on to the blessed peace of summer vacation--I can hardly wait. I'm pretty sure I'm more excited than my students are, but they would beg to differ. Little do they know that it's much harder to be a teacher than it ever was to be a student.

-S.

My Current Struggle

2008-05-06T19:05:00.001-06:00

Bet I caught your attention with that line, eh? Well I happen to teach government to high school seniors at a semi-local high school. Said high school is supposed to produce the "cream of the crop" if you will, and these students are the ones who are going to lead us to a better tomorrow. If that's the case then I'm genuinely scared for that tomorrow and I highly recommend that you all go out to your local hardware store and buy the necessary supplies to build a bunker to settle in for the long-haul. Either I was blessed with some real stupids or these kids are just trying their best to make my eyes bleed and make my life difficult.

We recently finished a section on the Civil Rights that included some landmark Supreme Court cases so I assigned a simple 2-page paper that was to encompass the entirety of the Civil Rights Movement--no big deal right? You'd think I had asked them to single-handedly save the world in 20 minutes. Over the course of a week I graded 120 CRAP papers and I thought I would regale you with some of the more *choice* sentences. I promise these are not taken out of context to make them sound worse. They are taken directly as I found them in the papers--grammar and spelling intact. Enjoy!

“When he was arrested and brought to court with Judge John Ferguson, he was made segregated. Even when he brought it to the Supreme Court they too ruled him segregated because he was 1/8 black.”

“This football team changed more than just the players lives it changed the countries lives in ways they probably never thought they would.”

“…they won that season all of their games.”

“Homer Plessy helped ignite a flame already burning through the African American community over separate but equal.”

“The reason that the schools were put together started with Plessy vs. Ferguson when they weren’t given any rights and then with Brown vs. the Board of Education where they were considered “separate but equal” but had to go to different schools.”

“Restaurants, theaters, restrooms, and public schools.”

“It was there that the question of ‘does Louisiana law violate the equal protection clause of the 14 amendment?’.”
“Shooting off of the Plessy case, comes the Montgomery bus boycott in 1955.”

“…in his home town of Louisiana…”

“During the time, hardly any blacks and whites communed with each other, because they didn’t want to.”

“The first scene of the school you see people protesting against the incorporation of the blacks, when the white football player introduced his white girl friend to the black teammate and she would not shake his hand, and arguments and disaster everywhere.”

“Although on paper the ruling made it illegal, at heart people were still segregated.”

“The origin of Civil Rights movement.”

“Not only did this Civil Rights Act prohibit segregation towards blacks, but many other things as well, such as no job discriminations towards anyone, no matter how old they may be, women’s rights, equal opportunity, responsibility, and/or pay.”

“Not only had their been segregation, but colors were denied their rights as well.”

“School, hospitals, bathrooms, drinking fountains, and even white people would never touch a Bible that a black man had touched.”

“Some children were asked between two dolls, one white and one black, which was better, smarter, or maybe even prettier. These children mostly answered with the white dolls. Other children had to walk at least 5 miles to get to the bus station or even the school.”

“The Plessy v. Ferguson case was a man Homer Plessy who was 7/8 black and 1/8 white.”

“The civil rights are the people that gave the blacks their freedom to be just like the whites.”

“With the ruling of the Plessy vs. Ferguson separate is equal school boards became separate.”

“One week after that tragedy the president signs the Civil Rights Act of 1968, and in 1991 Bush signs another Civil Rights Act strengthening the laws against discrimination.”

“The separate but equal ideas.”

“Integration in schools were a major thing during this.”

“The Brown vs. BOE Topeka, Ks, which show us the unfairness of times, back then.”

-S.

Only in Utah...

2008-03-12T14:02:00.002-06:00

...will you hear a medely of Primary songs being played on a piano in the commons of a public high school.

I was walking back from the office when I noticed some distinctly familiar music coming from the commons. When I identified it I had to chuckle to myself at the culture that I'm stuck in. NEVER would I have dared play a church song at school for fear of being made fun of or some other juvenile reaction from my peers.

Sorry we've been gone forever...school is killing both of us, but the good news is that I'm finally getting caught up. I won't ever be ahead, that's for sure, but I'm nowhere near as far behind as I used to be.

S.

Gay Marriage Debates

2007-11-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

I will attempt a real post, but it will probably be short. Drex is much more eloquent and has much more valid things to say. However…I do have some interesting things to share.

I teach government at a Jordan District High School and in an effort to try and “spice up” my class (because according to a certain student I get a D- in my efforts to do so) I decided to present the topic of political parties through the medium of political debates. I got the presidential platforms from the 2004 elections from a colleague and prepared my lesson. What, you might ask, does this have to do the mohosphere? Well, one of the platforms is Gay Marriage. I honestly thought the debate on Friday was going to come to blows. I had the students take a political spectrum test to put them in polarized (Democrat and Republican) political parties. Many of them ended up being “moderate” so I let them choose which side to be on. With this debate, it was interesting to see how many of the students were actually for Gay Marriage. One of the girls who was presenting brought up the studies that are being done regarding the idea that homosexuality is genetic and that brought many of the “republicans” to their feet. Another of the students said, “gay people can’t get married. They just can’t reproduce.” It was all I could do to sit there and not list off all the MOMs I know off the top of my head and the Will and Grace episode where Will and Grace are trying to decide whether or not to have a baby together, and they’re probably too young to know that Ross’s first wife on Friends was a lesbian and gave birth. As it was I brought up, “Well, there is the possibility of sperm donation for gay men and in-vitro fertilization or surrogate pregnancy for lesbian women.” At that point, one of my students piped up with, “Yeah! There’s a sperm bank by the library!” Awkward moment. The students were amazingly fired up and the last idea debated was: would it be better for children to be adopted by a gay partnership and raised that way, or for children to be born to a “straight” couple and later find out that one of their parents is gay? Knowing what I know about some of the people in the mohosphere it was incredibly hard not to get really involved in this topic. I tried to gently get them thinking, but I doubt I had much impact. Keep in mind, I have 4 of these classes, and only 1 so far has debated the issue.

Another story also comes from school (as I spend more time there than I do at home with Drex, unfortunately). During lunch one day after Dumbledore came out of the closet, some of the teachers were discussing the student reactions and I went into “observe mode” as I usually do when the homosexuality topic comes up in public settings outside the mohosphere. And then another (male) teacher walked in wearing an extremely well put together outfit—almost too well put together. My mentor (a self-proclaimed atheist and all around pretty great guy) turned to me with a raised eye brow and I just shook my head. And then he whispered, “So, uh…do you think he wife dressed him?” And I answered, “I’m not going to tell you what I thought [which was “PEGGED!”] because you’re not going to think I’m very nice.” He pressed harder because he’s not one to give up and I relented with, “It wouldn’t surprise me if he and Dumbledore had something in common, if you catch my drift.” He nodded his agreement and then said something to the effect of, “You always get really quite when ‘gay’ stuff is brought up.” At that point the bell rang and I told him I had a secret to tell him later. He hounded me after school, popping his head in my room while I had students taking tests saying, “I want to know your secret!” It was pretty entertaining. When my students left I went into his room and spilled my guts. The first thing he asked was, “How personal can I get with my questions?!” (He’s the psychology/philosophy teacher). I laughed and told him he could ask what he wanted and I would reserve the right not to answer. He hasn’t asked much lately because he’s been too busy hounding one of the other teachers about her dipping habit, but I’m sure it will come up soon.

Drex says I should save my other stories for later. I will however, try to remember to update on how the rest of the Gay Marriage debates go.

-S

weighing in

2007-11-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been so silent for so long. I actually feel pretty guilty about it. Things have been busy, and sometimes hectic in recent weeks. For the most part things have been good, though. School has been tolerable, and the highlight of my academic day is choir. We had a wonderful series of concerts last weekend, and we're performing in the Tabernacle in Salt Lake on Saturday, which should be really fun. I've sung in the Conference Center, but I've never had opportunity to perform in the Tabernacle. I'm really looking forward to it.

Salad and I are still doing great together, although for some reason more and more people are trying to pressure us into having kids. :P I'm of the opinion that not many people should have kids right after being married - not because it's wrong, or because they should be older, or because they should have more money, or anything like that. Rather, I believe that a couple should continue to build the foundation of their relationship before moving into the building up of the family. Especially in the case of many BYU marriages, where the couple doesn't know each other for horribly long, the months following marriage are imperative to build a strong marital relationship that can stand the tests and trials that life sends - like kids. Plus there's the fact that we really don't want to have to raise kids in Utah, but that's a whole 'nother (I swear that should be a word) issue.

With regards to the whole 'war' raging through the Mohosphere right now, I thought I'd weigh in as well. There's been back-and-forth about open-mindedness and cyber-christian zeal, the bigotry of the 'faithful' and the whoreishness of the 'weak' and everything in between. I can only speak for myself on this.

I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Sometimes aspects of the Church bug me, but the gospel remains clear to me. Sometimes local leaders, instructors, home teachers and the like grate on me, but the gospel is still true. Sometimes I don't want to go to church at all, but the gospel remains a steady rock and a firm foundation. Part of the gospel, as I understand it, is that marriage between a man and a woman is sacred and ordained of God. Marriage between two men or two women, as I understand it, does not have place in the eternal plan of happiness. There is nothing saying that no happiness lies in pursuing such relationships - in fact, there's nothing saying that you'll be happier in life marrying the opposite sex than the same. But I believe the promise is there, whether outrightly outlined or not, that the eternal happiness connected to a heterosexual marriage and relationship infinitely outweigh the eternal happiness of a same-sex union. I don't entirely understand why that is, but I still feel like it's true.

Another thing is that when people that I care about make choices that I believe will ultimately end in unhappiness or hurt, it worries me. Sometimes it even hurts. Sometimes friends will make what I consider to be stupid choices. Sometimes when that happens I don't still my tongue, and I end up telling them that I think they're making stupid choices. That's a stupid choice on my part, most of the time. Does that mean that I think my friends are stupid? Of course not. Sometimes I disapprove of the things my friends do. I still care about them, and they're entitled to their choices, and I typically won't hold their choices against them, but sometimes I want to make my opinion known, in the hopes that I can save them from some unhappiness or pain.

And sometimes the difference of opinion is simply due to a difference in perspective, and neither of us will ever see things from the other's point of view, and it's best to agree to disagree. I'm okay with that, as long as my opinions are respected. I try to respect the opinions of others depending on their life perspectives, and there are few things more hurtful to me than when someone I respect refuses to respect me back. This hasn't happened to me in a while because I've relegated my opinions to comments in others' blogs, but I see it happening to those I love, and it hurts.

There might end up being some striation in the Mohosphere. It might come down to a complete split and a separation of communities, but I hope it doesn't. I just hope that my friends will remain my friends, and that we can still maintain some level of mutual respect, because some of the people here are just too good to let go of, even if their choices don't line up in my personal outlook on life. I don't like giving up my friends.

To all the MoHoHos out there - grow up! And I don't mean that in a mean or bad way, I mean that you have to pull out of your closet-delayed gay adolescence. Not so you can make choices that line up with what I believe, but so that you can make choices that aren't clouded by newness, infatuation, crushes, or the like. Your choices are yours to make, but it's hard to make them when focus is lost by the phase that you're going through.

I had a MoHoHo phase of my own, but it was neither very long or very hard to deal with, likely due to my early acceptance of myself and the company I kept. Especially since I had Salad by my side throughout, helping to keep my focus on other things. It's hard to pull out of it, and sometimes you don't want to because the novelty is so fun. Post-MoHoHo is just as fun, though, without as strong a temptation. It's worth coming out of.

Anyway, I've been all over the place. I guess that's what happens when I disappear for so long. Good talking again. :P

~drex

dumbledore is gay

2007-10-20T11:24:00.000-06:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/10/20/harry.potter.ap/index.html

That is all.

Avoiding Lesson Planning

2007-10-11T18:00:00.000-06:00

Most of you have probably stopped checking our blog at this point, which is totally understandable, but I promise we’re not dead.

I’m swamped at school—between the kids who lack motivation and any life-skills and parents who only excel at enabling their children and making my life a living hell (October has not been my month and it’s not even half over), not to mention the lesson planning, grading, parent-teacher conferences, meetings, seminars etc, etc it’s good enough that I’m still breathing. Most of my nights after school are spent lesson planning or trying to emotionally recover from whatever happened at school, and the weekends are spent grading what I didn’t get to during the week. They tell me that it gets better after the first year, but at this point I’m disinclined to believe them.

Drex is staying busy with school and trying to keep me focused on the good parts of life—like him, the mohos and other such things.

We enjoyed seeing many of you over Conference weekend and at the Matis’ this month, and we hope to see more of you, if only things will calm down.

I know Drex has some more substantial posts on the backburner, he just needs to find some time to get to them. In the mean time, I’m going to steal Gimple’s idea and make a list of things I love because a: it will be therapeutic for me and b: it’s getting me out of lesson planning :D

Drex (I know, gag all you want)
The mohos
Sleeping with the window open when it’s cold outside
Listening to the rain
Reading a good book
The smell of new clothes (but not the shopping for new clothes—that part is icky)
Good food
Massages
A good hug
Homemade caramels
Moms
Turning my alarm off on Friday night
Going to dinner with friends
Laughing so hard it hurts
Pay day
Yellow roses with pink tips
Playing softball in the rain
Helping people
Learning
A clean kitchen

Brief update

2007-09-07T14:22:00.000-06:00

Really, I should be grading papers, as that’s what a prep period is for, but it’s Friday, and I’m seriously distracted…and my red pen died and I don’t feel like walking to the office to get another one.

We haven’t posted in forever, but I promise we have really good reasons! Remember how I posted about getting a teaching job? Well, it started the Monday after we got married and I’ve been wicked busy every since. All I do is lesson plan and grade papers and I go to bed at 9 every night. I lead a boring, but busy, life. My students are giving me a run for my money, but aren’t as terrifying as I thought they would be. I have this one really cute junior who is a moho in the making. I seriously want to ask him if he has a blog just so I can read it, but I’m pretty sure that would be crossing some professional boundary. My juniors are adorable and my seniors are adorably puntable (ie. I want to punt them out the window because they won’t stop whining about the fact that they have to grow up and take notes and actually be accountable for life). I was walking through the hall the other day and one of the students said, “milk is my favorite drink…after beer!” I had to run into another teacher’s classroom to keep from busting out laughing in the hallway. Oh the rising generation—kinda scary if you ask me. I’ve confiscated 15 cell phones (4 in one period just today) and 8 ipods and we’re only 2 weeks in to school. Hopefully after January (when the semester ends and I’ll only be planning for one class instead of 2) I’ll be able to have fun again…

Married life is treating us pretty well. I like the fact that we don’t have to abide by the *cough* wretched *cough* I mean “divinely inspired” BYU honor code anymore and no one has to go home at midnight. We’re still lacking a few furnishings in our apartment, but hopefully those will be coming within the month barring any unforeseen expenses. Once we get some couches we hope to have some more gatherings at our house.

Well, I know it’s lame, but that’s about all I have for an update at the moment. At least it’s something right?

Mr. and Mrs. Drex

2007-08-09T09:46:00.001-06:00

We're married! More to come when life slows down...as if that will ever happen ;)

S.

Clash of the Titans...but not really

2007-08-05T20:50:00.000-06:00

Time for a mini-update just so you know that we’re still alive and haven’t been buried under a barrage of wedding plans…although, it’s come close ;)

We flew out to DC on Thursday and have gone nonstop since. We’ve been helping Drex’s parents get the house ready for the wedding along with eating tons of great food. The combination of heat and humidity is killer, but I’m so glad to be out of Utah and I’m relishing the diversity of the East. I’d almost forgotten that my hair curls in the humidity and it’s been uber fun trying to hid all the baby curls that keep popping out around my ears and at the back of my neck—too bad all of my hair isn’t curly :P

Best thing ever (aside from the whole getting married thing) happened on Friday though. I was offered a full-time teaching position up in Jordan School District. I’ll be teaching government classes and one section of US history, which is a major blessing. I was starting to despair that I wouldn’t be teaching this year and I’m a chronic worrier so I was starting to worry about how we were going to make ends meet and everything, and God saw fit to answer my pleas and the prayers of others (thanks!!) and soften the hearts of the administrators in my favor. When I listened to the voicemail offering me the job I was shaking so badly I could barely hold the phone. Drex’s mom wanted me to call them right back but I could hardly speak. Poor Drex had no idea what was going on when I walked in the room because all I could do was show him my shaking hands…it took me a second to be able to find my voice to tell him that I had been offered a teaching position. I’m very excited.

My family flew into town this weekend and they met Drex’s family. It’s been an interesting experience, but I think it’s been positive overall. I think my family is still a little agog over how upfront and straightforward Drex’s mom is, but I think they’ll get used to it over time. My mom and my sister about died when we went shopping with Drex and his mom and she made some absolutely shameless comment to the store clerk. It was totally awesome.

I’m sure we’ll have more updates for you after the wedding, or Drex might even have something to say before then. We can’t wait to see many of you at the reception!

Oh, and just so that Samantha doesn’t feel like she’s the only irreverent one in church…today in Relief Society we were talking about how the Brother of Jared was prepared spiritually to see God and the faith that that took etc. My sister, who is 19 and was recently released as the RS President in her Single’s Ward, turned to me and said, “How do you prepare for God to give you the finger?” I about died. It’s a good thing RS was last or I’m pretty sure I would have gotten absolutely nothing out of the rest of church.

2007-07-28T00:59:00.000-06:00

feeling a bit broken, bruised in places and hoping to be able to heal and keep moving forward as planned...that is all

S.

spirit or irrational obsession?

2007-07-27T08:26:00.000-06:00

I had two bad days in a row, which doesn't often happen to me. They had me melancholy, retracted, confused, and frustrated enough that I have spent some small amount of time trying to figure out the root cause rather than just waiting for the feeling of gloom to pass. Typically my psychological makeup is such that things just roll off my back and I can move on with life, but when things stick I know there's something up. There's also the fact that a stupor of thought typically leaves me with similar feelings of confusion and frustration, so there's the possibility that there's something the Spirit wants me to do differently.

Salad has talked to me before about the bone-deep desire she has to teach, and how frustrating it is that she can't find a teaching job. Some measure of that desire blindsided me on Wednesday, except that my passion and my desire lie in singing. I have been taking voice lessons for quite a while, I've been in choirs since high school, and it's typically been enough for me. All of a sudden I have this ache to do something with my singing, though. I don't know that being in choir will be enough to fill it. It's like...I want to be in a musical, or working on writing music specific to me, that I could sing and that would be mine.

Part of my frustration is that I buried my dreams of musical grandeur a while back. Music is not a logical career path, so I convinced myself that I wasn't going to pursue it as anything more than a side hobby. Part of that was reasoning that choir was okay, because it was a joint commitment between all the members of the choir, but that any solo pursuits were essentially pointless. Two days of frustration have thrown all of that out of whack in my mind. Why not do more with what I have? Would it have to be to the exclusion of more logical pursuits, or could they be done at the same time? Would it be wrong or selfish of me to want to pursue music with a bit more gusto? And if I did decide to do more with music right now, how would I go about it? I don't know the first thing about the things that would probably satiate this feeling.

And then I have to wonder if this is really Spirit spurring me on, like it mostly feels like, or if it's my own obsessive nature shining through randomly. And is there a whole lot more to my melancholy and overall feeling of BLAH, or is this the root of the problem? Am I spinning my wheels even thinking about it?

Meh.

In other news, Hairspray was fantastic, fabulous, and amazing.

I'm not dead yet!

2007-07-18T11:17:00.000-06:00

So, I’ve found that I really don’t like sitting still and doing nothing. I’m not so much a fan of my job and I know there are things that I’d rather be doing, but sitting at home with nothing to do is not one of them. Having pneumonia and bronchitis has left me with little energy and not so much lung capacity so I’ve spent the last few days on my couch doing nothing and it’s driving me insane! I’m still really bitter that my boss was irresponsible enough to come in to work when he won’t even let us stay in the office if we have the slightest sniffle. I get random spurts of energy but they fade quickly and I usually end up in a heap on my floor trying not to pass out—not so much a fun game.

As I’m sitting on my couch watching LAME tv (because my cable is broken) I’m trying to decide whether or not it’s worth it to try and go move some more stuff over to our new apartment. I’m really excited about it and I can’t wait to get settled. It’s so empty and not us and I want to get all of our stuff in there and make it ours. Unfortunately we need a truck to get some of that done so we need to wait. We moved all of my books over there last night and I insisted on vacuuming all the carpets before we put anything on them—that was one of my random spurts of energy. I kind of want to move clothes over and clean the bathrooms but I don’t know how long my energy will last. Mostly I just want to get the heck out of my house.

Wedding plans are going well. I finally succeeded in getting Drex’s mom to get her pink shirt which she wasn’t so much a fan of getting initially. We’re working on the flowers for DC and I have to get the flowers taken care of for here but other than that, we’re pretty much on top of everything. We’re looking forward to seeing many of you at our reception.

Ok, I’m going to go back to weighing the pros and cons of moving stuff on my own, but I thought I’d let you all know that I’m still sort of alive.

life update

2007-07-17T09:47:00.000-06:00

It occurs to me that we haven't really blogged about how things are going in general. Salad's sick, as mentioned before - our boss will send us home with so much as a headache, sniffle, or cough - and yet he came in for three straight days with bronchitis and pneumonia. Despite Salad confronting him on it, and despite the fact that our coworker has a newborn at home. In fact, the boss sat at that coworkers desk and used his phone while he was sick. At any rate, Salad went to the doctor and found out she has bronchitis and pneumonia. Sound familiar? When I confronted our boss about it, he said "That's too bad. Tell her sorry. I won't be here!" (he's going on vacation) Jerk.

Wedding preparations are still under way. Salad's had her showers with her family and her female friends - all that's left is the one with my family (silly aunts) and the moho shower. Gifts have begun trickling in, and one gift was a big surprise - a Wii with an extra remote. We've been enjoying the fun that's associated with having a Wii in the home, and some of our friends have been partakers as well. Once we're moved in and everything, we'll have to pick up 2 more controllers and have parties at our new place.

New place! We finalized everything and got the keys for our new apartment yesterday. We'll start moving random things over there probably today, but we have to wait on the big furniture-y stuff until we have access to a truck. We hope to be all moved in before we head out to DC for the wedding.

And lastly, Kengo's suggestions for Salad's icon/avatar/whatever were pretty good! I don't know what Salad thinks, but I've attached my top 12 choices (in no particular order, numbered for easy reference). Any opinions?

~drex

movies that make me cry

2007-07-15T16:21:00.000-06:00

I really love it when a movie can make me cry. There's something terribly cathartic about induced tears, and where I often feel devoid of emotion, it's a welcome reminder that I have heartstrings after all.

Yesterday we watched Bridge to Terabithia, and I was definitely moved. It was much more than I was counting on, a lot of it really resonated with me, and though I was expecting a large part of the ending (thanks to some rants about the literary counterpart), I was caught of guard by just how poignant and earth-moving it would be. I was quite pleased with it, and now I'll have to go out and invest in a copy of the movie myself. Once I have the funds. :P

Other movies that often bring me to tears are Pay It Forward (I always think I'm doing so well until it gets to the song) and Testaments and Joseph Smith the Prophet of the Restoration (I can't make it through Jesus saying Helam's name, nor can I make it much more than 7 minutes into Joseph Smith). I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

In other news, I've redone the layout for the blog, mostly from scratch. If there's anything horribly ugly, don't tell me unless you think it's a coding mistake that I can fix. ;) Salad wanted me to make the point that while she adores pink, she had nothing to do with the color scheme. She's also trying to figure out a better icon/avatar/whatever than a picture of a salad, but she's too sick to think of anything appropriately representative, so we're open to ideas.

~drex

eight random gay mormon facts about me

2007-07-09T13:11:00.000-06:00

Eight random gay Mormon facts about me! As per Abelard tagging me. Scroll down to see Salad's responses.

THE RULES

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

One of the gay stereotypes I don't fit is that I like watching sports. Especially NCAA football, basketball (NCAA only during March Madness and the tournament), and tennis.
I ran cross country in middle and high school, but I stopped before my senior year because I injured myself on a 50-mile hike in the Adirondacks.
I've always loved singing, but because all the deadbeat popular people wear in choir, I never did choir until the elite auditioned choir was an option my sophomore year of high school. I got in right away and have done choir ever since. Singing is one of my passions.
I play the cello, and have since 4th grade. Everyone else wanted to play cello, too, but I got it because my mom is loud, Chinese, and overbearing, and told the orchestra teacher that she didn't want to deal with the squeaking of an aspiring violinist.
I'm a chronic reader. If I get into a book, very few things will stop me from finishing it as fast as possible. Recent conquests have been the Artemis Fowl series, the His Dark Materials (The Golden Compass) series, Peter and the Starcatchers, Twilight and New Moon, and Eragon and Eldest, among others. Obviously fantasy piques my interest, but sci fi, adventure, mystery, and basically anything good appeal as well.
My grandfather was one of the first converts to the church in Hong Kong. President Hinckley gave him the Melchizedek priesthood, actually. My mom was born in Hong Kong, so you could say I'm 1st generation American on my mom's side. I'm 6th generation American (and Mormon) on my dad's side.
The first person I ever went to a dance with (age 13) ended up being a lesbian by our junior year. The first person I ever came out to (I was 16) ended up bisexual. I'm waiting for the bolt of lightning from Salad. ;)
I collect and obsessively categorize and store music. I have 55,668 MP3s archived on CDs and DVDs, and at least another 20,000 sitting on my computer waiting to be categorized. Most of the music comes from soundtracks from movies or video games, but I have an eclectic mix of everything.

That's it. TAG: Samantha, Calvin, Stephen, Stephalumpagus, Kengo Biddles, Mulan, playasinmar, AttemptingThePath.

Random Salad Facts

2007-07-09T12:57:00.001-06:00

I’m one of the most accident-prone people you’ll ever meet in your life. I’ve injured most parts of my body in pretty random ways.
I am a die hard OSU fan even though both of their major sports teams failed me this year. Don’t mention Michigan in my presence if you want to continue living. Oh, and if you support the Yankees, we can’t be friends (the Yankees are the only time I’m allowed to swear and not have it count toward the swear jar). I LOVE baseball and my favorite team is the Cleveland Indians.
I love playing video games but I suck at the racing kind. I’m not sure why, but I have a hard time making it out of the start position and when I do make it out, I don’t usually make it out of the first lap before everyone else finishes. I really like first-person shooters, but only when the “cousin-stupid isn’t allowed to kill Salad” rule is in effect otherwise it’s no fun. We just got a Wii and the bowling for bunnies game is way fun too.
I’m 6^th generation LDS on both sides…I know, pretty boring. I have pioneer claims to fame, but I won’t bore you all with them because I’m kind of sick of telling the stories.
I’m not the super scary LDS scrapbooking Utah Mormon type but I do quite enjoy bookbinding. It’s really therapeutic and quite satisfying. The only sad part is I’m a terrible journal-keeper so I don’t keep the books I make. Although, I did make a book for Drex of all the letters that we wrote back and forth while he was on his mission. I was really proud of that book.
I LOVE learning. If I could get paid to be a student, I’d totally do it. I majored in history (obviously with no intention of having a lucrative career) and minored in English (again, no intention of being lucrative). Too bad we all have to grow up at some point and actually do something with ourselves. Both of my concentrations were complemented by education endorsements so I can at least do something with them…
I’m a total nerd
I love reading good books over and over and over again. Especially in the winter, curled up in a blanket with a mug of hot chocolate.

the doctrine of letting go

2007-06-25T22:14:00.000-06:00

This is the slightly altered text of a talk I gave in church on Sunday. It's watered down from my original train of thought, as the original thrust of it would have been given from a predominantly moho perspective. What I said was intended to be a bit more general. As such, it's also what I consider an unfinished work - I intend to continue studying the subject until I have a firmer grasp on what I'm looking at. Also please keep in mind that I am neither scriptorian nor public speaker, and I much of what I say is based on opinions, though my opinions represent strong personal convictions. Also, sorry it's so long. If you are an impatient person, please ignore this post. (:

Something that I’ve been pondering a lot recently is what I refer to as the “doctrine of letting go.” It’s a subject inspired by an especially powerful fireside speaker a few months ago, and it’s been percolating in my mind since then. It’s a multi-faceted aspect of the gospel, covering many areas of belief and devotion.

The topic has been approached from many angles, with some widely covering it while others focus on individual aspects. It has been referenced as surrendering, submitting, or consecrating, in part. The idea is that there are things that we ought to be giving up into the care of the Lord that we instead hold on and cling to – and that according to the precepts of the gospel, we should be developing ways to let go of those things. Of course there are many things that we ought to surrender to the Lord. The aspects of the doctrine of letting go that I have been examining are in reference to sins, will, and trials.

Letting go of sin is probably the most widely approached aspect of this doctrine. It is arguably the most visible component of the atonement of Christ (second only, perhaps, to the victory over the grave). The well-known verse in Doctrine and Covenants 19:16 states that “I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent.” One of the direct benefits of letting go of one’s sins is the evasion of the suffering for them. It is generally considered that sin is one of the main topics of the similarly famous verse in Mosiah 3, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patent, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19). The relinquishing of sin and surrendering of will effects a “mighty change” in a person, producing a saint who exhibits Christlike attributes like love, patience, humility, and meekness. Neal A. Maxwell warns,

'Mighty' changing, however, is mighty hard work, a labor made more difficult by heeding the unflattering urges of the natural man. Too often our possibilities have been muted by the mundane....Of course we cannot fully comprehend all this right now! Of course we cannot know the meaning of all things right now. But we can know, right now, that God knows us and loves us individually!
But, brothers and sisters, what keeps us from knowing and loving Him more? Our reluctance to give away all our sins—thinking, instead, a down payment will do. Likewise, our reluctance to let our wills be swallowed up in His will—thinking, instead, that merely acknowledging His will is sufficient! (see Mosiah 15:7). (Neal A. Maxwell, “Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Liahona, Nov 2002, 16–18.)

Thus we come upon some of the obstacles to letting go of our sins and our wills. One of the first is the natural inclination to withhold a part of one’s inner self. We make excuses, claiming that such things are what make us unique, or distinct. And yet our individuality actually remains intact as we become more like Jesus. Another stumbling block to letting go is an unwillingness to confront what we lack – an inability to admit fault. This barrier to letting go is founded in pride, and tangent to it is the tendency to deflect the importance of something in order to pass it off for work at a later time. Sometimes we are plagued by selfishness, a lack of proper perspective, or even a lack of faith which keeps us from letting go. It is difficult to let go of something when perspective does not grant that that thing is wrong. Likewise, there is no point in surrendering something to someone who is not powerful enough to help. Perspective and faith are vital to letting go.

Elder Maxwell states again:

In pondering and pursuing consecration [or, letting go], understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, ‘My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part!
“Having our wills increasingly swallowed up by the will of the Father actually means an enhanced individuality, stretched and more capable of receiving ‘all that [God] hath’ (D&C 84:38). Besides, how could we be entrusted with His ‘all’ until our wills are much more like His? Nor could His ‘all’ be fully appreciated by the partially committed. (Neal A. Maxwell, “Consecrate Thy Performance,” Liahona, Jul 2002, 39-42.)

The most overlooked aspect of the doctrine of letting go, in my opinion, is that of letting go of trials. Perhaps this is a more difficult aspect of doctrine to understand, or perhaps it is our independent natures that keep us from wanting to entrust our trials to something else. Often I think it is a warped understanding of the aim of the test of life. While we have been sent here to be tested, Heavenly Father by no means wants us to go through our tests alone. Even if all others seemingly abandon us, the Lord is always there to lean upon and to look towards. The trials that face us, while individually tailored, are not necessarily meant to be tackled alone. Did not the Lord say “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt 11:28-30)? Alma said that he “…desire[d] that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith….And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will” (Alma 33:23).

More from Elder Maxwell:

We tend to think of consecration [or letting go] only as yielding up, when divinely directed, our material possessions. But ultimate consecration is the yielding up of oneself to God. Heart, soul, and mind were the encompassing words of Christ in describing the first commandment, which is constantly, not periodically, operative (see Matt. 22:37). If kept, then our performances will, in turn, be fully consecrated for the lasting welfare of our souls (see 2 Ne. 32:9).
Such totality involves the submissive converging of feelings, thoughts, words, and deeds, the very opposite of estrangement. ("Consecrate Thy Performance")
Regarding trials, including of our faith and patience, there are no exemptions—only variations (see Mosiah 23:21). These calisthenics are designed to increase our capacity for happiness and service. Yet the faithful will not be totally immune from the events on this planet.
Therefore, we can be troubled on every side, but nothing can really separate us from the love of Christ (see 2 Cor. 4:8; Rom. 8:35–39); ... Even so, as Peter urged, we can and should cast our cares upon the Lord, because He surely cares for us! (see 1 Pet. 5:7). Oh, brothers and sisters, the awaiting emancipation of such trusting surrender! ("Encircled in the Arms of His Love")

The scripture that Elder Maxwell referenced was 1 Peter 5:6-7, which reads, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” Many interpret this verse as meaning that Christ cares about us and takes care of us. However, from the context and with a tip from the original Greek, the meaning is more along the lines of Christ already doing the caring for us. We can surrender our concerns to the Lord, because he does all of our concerning! Obviously this doesn’t meant that we don’t do anything about the trials that face us, but rather it means that if we are doing that which is in our power, and if we are keeping ourselves as aligned with the will of God as we can, that we needn’t worry ourselves over the trials we face, because God will take care of us.

I have many personal experiences with letting go of my trials, and I'd like to share one of them. Leading up to my mission, my entire life I'd been the shining example of gospel living. I was a 'spiritual giant,' well-versed in scripture and doctrine. I had a strong testimony of what I felt to be true. That testimony was earned, and I was forced to stand up for myself due to the area in which I lived and the circumstances in which I found myself. Knowing the gospel has never been a question for me. Other things have - the semester before my mission, I felt prompted to take Mandarin 101 at BYU. I thought, hey, this can't be so bad. My cousin learned Chinese, and I'm half Chinese, and even if my family doesn't speak the same dialect, it's sure to help, right?

I got a D that semester.

And so when the call invariably came to preach the gospel in Mandarin Chinese, I knew it wouldn't be me doing the learning in the MTC. Alone, I was powerless. With the Lord's help, I would be capable of great things. And so when I got to the MTC, it was a great surprise, a stunning miracle, and an obvious blessing that the language came easily to me. In fact, I picked it up faster than anyone else in my district. It was almost natural. My entrusting my trial to the Lord paid off.

That wasn't the extent of it, though, because I hadn't fully learned my lesson. One of the first teaching opportunities I had was teaching my afternoon teacher a discussion with my MTC companion. It was even in English. We prepared, and we tried to teach, but it was a fantastically horrible experience. The Spirit wasn't there, we couldn't figure out what to say, and my teacher was dozing off while we were teaching. It was horrendous, and we all knew it didn't go well. That night as I knelt to pray, I pleaded to know what went wrong, and what I should have done differently.

Now, when I learn scriptures, I remember them by their position on the page and by the markings I put on them. I have a hard time remembering references. And so when a scripture reference popped into my head, I knew it wasn't just my own recollecting. I felt urged to look up Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” My confidence in my own knowledge of the gospel and what I figured was inherent ability to teach it was my downfall that day. I strived to change my ways, and while I will never claim that I was the most masterful missionary or teacher, I was successful, and I had the Spirit with me. Letting go of my trials and trusting the Lord with control made the difference for me.

As we face trials that are specifically tailored to our individual life experiences, we sometimes feel to play the martyr. We feel that the trials given to us are too hard to bear, an unfair lot, or somehow more than we deserve. As a loving Father in Heaven, we know that God will not tempt us above that we are able – this extends to trials, as well. We will not be tried beyond what we are capable of handling. Our trials are also there to help mold us into the children of God that we ought to be. Letting go of trials not only means trusting the Lord to help us through, but trusting that He knows best what we need, that He knows us better even than we know ourselves, and “that all these things shall give [us] experience, and shall be for [our] good” (D&C 122:7). Our experiences shape who we are, and by letting go of our sins, our wills, and our trials, we allow ourselves to be shaped like the Savior. As we overcome the stumbling blocks and obstacles that stand in our way, and as we earnestly strive to consecrate ourselves to the Lord, “we shall see him as he is” and “we shall be like him” (1 John 3:2).

It is my testimony that “letting go” is of great importance to us in our endeavors to be like Christ and to progress in this life.

~drex

The Castle Says Hello!

2007-06-19T09:05:00.000-06:00

So I guess we’ve both kind of fallen off the face of the planet as far as blogging goes. It’s weird because there’s time to do it, but neither of us can seem to find the motivation to actually sit down and write something out. The biggest reason I’m doing it now is that I’m trying to look like I’m being busy at work. I’m far too efficient for my own good :P

Things in the world of Salad and Drex have been a bit crazy. With wedding plans in full swing, I’m trying my best to keep on top of everything and make sure that things are getting done. I have my dress, shoes, and slip (and even experienced a skanky moment when I bought a bra at Victoria’s Secret—I’d never done that before). We got my Temple clothes this weekend and my Temple dress is really pretty. We got all of our invitations addressed and mailed and now we just have to work on the e-invites in an effort to keep postage costs down. I’ve had one bridal shower (I love the awkwardness of combining my mom’s family with my dad’s family…good times had all around) and I have 2 more to go, one of which is the Moho shower which I’m uber excited for. We pretty much have everything under control, but I’m still kind of in panic mode. I feel like there’s something I’m forgetting to do and I’m going to be in big trouble if I don’t remember what it is. I think that’s just my OCD coming through because we really are on top of the game.

Drex has been out of town for 6 days. It’s been interesting without him here. I miss him like crazy and I can’t wait for him to come back (4 more days to go) but it’s not as bad as I was expecting it to be. We’ve been rather inseparable since we started dating and I was expecting to go through a bit more withdrawal. I am an independent person by nature: I like to do things for myself on my time frame and I hate having my plans messed up by other people. When I was single, I had no problem being alone and filling my time and getting things done. I’m still able to get everything done with Drex around and it’s really nice to have him there and to know that if I hit a rut or just need to be loved, I don’t have to go far. Since he’s been gone I’ve filled my time with other people and I’ve loved getting to spend that time with them. Gimple and I have hung out a lot, Hidden came over, Mulan and I spent some quality time together, and my family was in town all weekend so my sister and I had a 3 day sleepover at my grandma’s. I’m not ok being “alone” anymore. I crave the company of someone else and feel overcome with loneliness and feelings of inadequacy if I’m left to my own devices for too long. It’s interesting how relationships change the way we view the world around us. I have a final to work on today and tomorrow, but while I need to be “alone” to work on that, I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I can work on that and still manage to spend time with someone else so I’m not alone.

In an effort to milk even more of your sympathy ;) Drex and Bob have been texting me pictures of their vacation pretty regularly. They texted me a picture of the food from one of my favorite eateries that hasn’t made it to Utah; I was awakened yesterday with a picture of the Cinderella castle in the Magic Kingdom; Bob kept telling me how they saw Sleeping Beauty and Maleficent (from my favorite movie of all time) walking around the park etc etc. I lead a rough life, I know….

In our musings last night, Mulan and I were discussing the different positions of the Mohos when it comes to Mixed-Orientation relationships. She was asking me how everyone views the idea and I figure it depends on where everyone is, individually, in their struggle with SSA. Please correct me if I’m wrong. There are some people who are very supportive of the idea and others who don’t think the person struggling with SSA is being true to themselves. We would like to know how you really feel about it, so feel free to comment (I’ll try not to take anything personally ;) ).

Here's mine:

2007-06-12T15:40:00.000-06:00

my daemon...

S.

i'm not dead

2007-06-12T13:32:00.000-06:00

I have about a dozen things I've been wanting to blog on, but I've been so thrashed with work and writing out announcements and watching Alias and stuff that I haven't actually done any of it. Seriously, staring at my computer for 8 hours straight isn't too conducive to blogging when I get home. I've never had such a non-desire to go on my computer.

Pending blog posts include my take on mixed-orientation dating, the doctrine of letting go (which I convinced my bishopric should be the topic of my talk in a week and a half), my comments on pop rocks, and how great the Matis' are.

Also, goldencompassmovie.com has a cool thing figuring out your daemon. Here's mine, and your input will help it be shaped to my actual personality. An interesting concept.

By a show of hands...

2007-06-06T15:50:00.000-06:00

Ok, in an effort to keep everything about our engagement unconventional, it has been decided that I be given a MoHo bridal shower. Gimple is spearheading the effort and we'd like to know how many of you are interested in attending so that we can get a guest count. We know that many of you are out of the area for the summer, or just plain old don't live here (lucky!), but we figured this was the quickest way to assemble the guest list. If you're interested in attending, just leave a comment here and we'll put you on the list. The party is tentatively scheduled for July 21 in good old P-town, but the date can be flexible.

S.

Musings...maybe

2007-05-30T14:16:00.000-06:00

We haven’t posted for a while and it’s not like we’ve been overly busy, more overly lazy…

Wedding plans have been eating my face. I keep trying to convince Drex that we should just elope and get rid of the mess that wedding planning causes but he’s not such a fan of that idea. We got my dress though and I’m excited about that…and I bought my shoes today and convinced my mom that stockings in August on the East Coast are not a good plan (points for me!). Other than that, I guess things are moving along fairly swiftly in that department…just over 2 months to go which is super crazy.

I’ve been looking for a teaching job for next year. I’m sick of office work and though my friends were good enough to hook me up with the job I currently have, it’s definitely not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life (I would have to claw my eyes out if it were). I had 4 interviews and hadn’t heard anything back after a couple of weeks, so I checked my professional email on Monday and found that 3 of the 4 schools had decided to hire someone else. One of those schools was the school where I did my internship. I figured that job would be an easy one to get because I know the students, I know the faculty, I have what it takes to be successful at that school and it would take far less time to train me than it would to train a completely new teacher. I felt like the interview had gone fairly well, so I was really surprised to get that email. I called one of my friends (who happened to be one of the people who interviewed me) and asked her what I could do better in future interviews so that I can actually get a job. She said, “Oh, your interview was fine. You did really well…Sarah just doesn’t like you.” Um, can we say extremely unprofessional (Sarah is the principal at the school)? Her personal feelings should not dictate whether or not they hire me if I’m qualified for the job and based on what my friend said, I was more than qualified for the job. Then I realized that this woman who doesn’t like me is at the top of my reference list on my resume. Then things started clicking in to place: am I not getting jobs because people are calling her and she’s telling them that I’m a bad teacher???? If that’s the case, then I’m uber pissed because I didn’t get a job last year and I don’t know if I’m going to get one for this next year. I decided to take her off my reference list and we’ll see what happens with the interview I had yesterday. Side note: while I was talking to this friend, she mentioned that she and another teacher ran into one of my former students while they were at lunch the other day and they mentioned that I was engaged and his reaction was, “really?? We always thought she was gay.” I thought that was pretty great, or at least it lifted my mood from uber pissed to only slightly pissed.

Lately I’ve felt like we’ve missed out on a lot of things in the mohosphere. I don’t think it’s true because we religiously read the blogs and we hang out with people, I guess it’s just because it’s summer and so many people have left. I hung out with Gimple last night and we went to dinner at Leatherbys. We go there entirely too often, but it’s so good (get the cheesy fries, they’re amazing). Then we went and hung out with Hidden for a bit—well, actually, we watched him play Settlers of Cataan with some other friends. I miss the moho parties we threw…maybe I’ll have to plan another one soon so that we can have fun together again.

If any of you haves ins in any secondary schools in Utah Valley or the south end of the Salt Lake valley, please please please let me know because I desperately need a job.

rant: judgmental mohos - the flipside

2007-05-17T22:31:00.000-06:00

I always feel like I have to preface my ranting with some disclaimers. My rants are my opinions. They aren't infalliable, nor do I consider them so, even for myself. My opinions are subject to change, mood, and season, among other things. I also realize that I sometimes (read: often) come across to some people as aloof, elitist, or even self-righteous. Let me state that that is never my intent - I share how I feel about things, and I hope that people will take it or leave it as they see fit.

However, that brings me to my rant. Some people, in leaving it, decide that because they disagree on something that I am wrong and should somehow be brought down for what I say/believe. Most of my life I've had to guard or protect my opinions. Growing up in a predominantly non-LDS community does that. I came under fire for what I believed in at least on a weekly basis. Honestly, that was part of the draw of BYU - a chance to study away from the judgments of those who disagree. Of course, BYU isn't all I thought it would be, and the judging continues in completely different (and sometimes strikingly similar) ways.

The last time I ranted, I pointed out that I have largely been hugely impressed by the moho community's open-mindedness and acceptance of things outside of normal experience. That still holds true. There is, however, a fairly strong group that for some reason feels that anyone who doesn't see the 'struggle' or whatever in the same way is not only wrong, but should be called out for their wrongness. I've felt attacked (different from being attacked, perhaps, but it was how I felt) by individuals who disagree with what I believe, and try to give me hell for it. And there's a difference between debating a point and giving me hell. I can tell the difference there. I've come under attack for pursuing a relationship with Salad simply because she's a girl. Oh yes, that's different than all those 'bigots' out there who would judge you for pursuing a relationship with a guy.

Someone said I'm probably not gay, because I haven't ever had sex with a guy. This from someone who proclaims that we are not sex acts.

Someone said I'm not being true to myself.

Someone said I'm self-righteous and that I belittle people by sharing my experiences, because I obviously think I'm better than they are.

Is there any place for me to go to be free from the incessant judging? I feel like I'm in a forever abusive relationship sometimes, being ripped this way and that, emotionally manipulated and thrown through hell, all because I have an opinion and decide to keep a blog. And sometimes I don't want to be the enabler. I try my utmost to accept people as they are, and for the most part I think I do an okay job, but apparently it doesn't always come out that way. And apparently people aren't content to accept me as I am.

So to those of you whom I may have offended in the past, I'm sorry, To those of you who think that I feel some sense of superiority over you, I'm sorry. That's never my intent, and for the most part I don't feel better than anyone else. I have just as many weaknesses and make just as many mistakes as the next guy. If you think I don't, you're deifying me, and that's not good. I'm just a man, and I'd like it if people could accept that occasionally men make mistakes or have bad days or just plain mess things up.

I can't decide if getting this out is going to make me scale back my opinions on things, become more acerbic in my online talk, or just end up with me being the same old me. I'm honestly a bit scared at how it will turn out, because I don't like shutting up much, nor do I like being mean. I suppose I should try for being me then, but what if me isn't good enough for everyone out there? I don't know if I want to deal with the emotional battering.

Anyway.

~drex

Coming out part 2: Salad's parents

2007-05-15T11:47:00.000-06:00

Ok, let’s get the vacation posts done with so we can move on to bigger and better things.

Montana (May 4-6)

We spent two days in Provo after getting back from California before we headed of to the amazing emptiness of Montana. I had to start classes and both Drex and I had to log some hours at work.

Slight aside: my professor is a hag. She is absolutely ancient and has no idea what is going on in current school settings. She’s been teaching at BYU since 1963 and hasn’t been in a secondary classroom since about then. It’s ridiculous. I told her, after the first class, that I was going out of town on Friday and that I would have to leave class early. She said, “Do what you have to do” and gave me kind of a nasty look; I wanted to punch her in the face.

Now, you might be asking, “why did Drex and Salad decide to go to Montana of all places???” Well, the sole reason for the trip was to visit my parents who, much to my bitter disappointment, moved there about 2 years ago. At least it made what I’m about to tell you easier to accomplish.

So, many of you know that we’ve been dating very seriously and talking about getting married. Before we started seriously entertaining the idea of marriage (or at least before Drex started seriously entertaining the idea) I told Drex that he would have to ask my dad for permission to marry me—I’m kinda traditional that way. We had also decided that this would be a good time to tell my parents about Drex’s SSA.

(Aside about getting my ring: so about 2 weeks before this we had purchased my engagement ring from Sierra West and I love it. I was really excited to wear it, so Drex let me wear it while we were in California. We decided that I wouldn’t wear it in Montana until we had talked to my parents, which made me exceedingly sad, because I had grown quite attached to my ring.)

We got to Montana around 5:30 and we had dinner reservations for 6:30 at some amazingly good restaurant. We had wanted to talk to my parents before going to dinner, but because of timing and being flustered, it didn’t work out that way. Dinner was great, but a little intense because my parents didn’t know whether it was ok to talk about wedding stuff or not. At one point, while Drex wasn’t at the table, my dad leaned over and asked, “is it ok to talk about the wedding??” I said it was, but nothing really came up, which I thought was weird. After dinner, we headed back to my parents’ house and changed clothes and putzed around for a few minutes. The kids were home from their dinner activity, which kind of put a damper on telling my parents because we don’t really think it’s necessary for my siblings to know and there’s really no place to talk in my parents’ house where you can’t hear what’s going on (wow that was a big run-on sentence…oh well *shrug*). My mom cornered me and asked if we still wanted to talk, and I said we did, but obviously not with the kids around. She banished my sister to her room with strict instructions not to come out and my brother was banished to the basement to become so enthralled with computer games that he wouldn’t pay attention if the house crumbled around him. After that was completed, we assembled in the living room to talk. Drex wasn’t even shaking and didn’t appear nervous at all, which I was quite impressed with. I know it can’t have been easy for him to talk to candidly with my parents given the fact that he barely knew them, but I knew he would say what they needed to hear. He started out with, “We intend to be married and we’d like to do it with your blessing, but I think you should know what Salad is getting into.” The conversation went on from there. My parents didn’t say a whole lot that night. My dad did most of the talking and just expressed concern, mostly for me and my emotional well-being more than anything else. I had a really hard time reading my dad during the conversation. I had no idea what he was thinking. After Drex had gone through things from his point of view, I reiterated to my parents how much I love Drex and the fact that I’ve spent countless hours praying, researching, seeking counsel and talking to Drex about everything. The conversation ended and we went on with the rest of the evening.

Saturday was fun…:P Ok, well it was mostly. Drex and I got up and watched Duck Tales with my brothers—yay for Saturday morning cartoons and pajamas! Then my sister came down and told us that if we wanted her to take our engagement pictures, we’d have to get ready and go fairly quickly because her work schedule changed. Sadly, we had to tear ourselves away from Duck Tales and get ready. After getting ready, Drex and I sat down to figure out timing with the Temple and everything and found that the Temple is going to be closed on the day we wanted to get married, so we had to pick a different date. A debate with the parents ensued, and while I know they meant well, I still felt kind of attacked and inadequate and like it didn’t matter what I did, someone was going to be upset with me. I *hate* that feeling. It was all I could do to not burst into tears and got running to my bedroom. Luckily Drex was there to calm me a bit and we chose a date and called the Temple. Then we went driving around up Lolo Canyon to try and find somewhere to take pictures. My sister was kind of irked because my parents decided that they were going to come along and she didn’t want my dad taking over the photo shoot—which he tried to do. After taking pictures up the canyon, we went down to the UofM campus and took some pictures there. A few of them turned out well, but I think we’re going to try and take some more pictures in a couple of weeks as well. After we got back we ate dinner, Drex took a nap, and then we watched Eragon—good movie, but if you’ve read the book, it leaves a bit to be desired.

Sunday was your typical Sunday. In Relief Society the biddies were complaining about how they can’t control their daughters and what they wear. One of the women had the audacity to say that the girls don’t know what they’re doing when they dress like skanks. Then another woman decided that two-piece bathing suits were specifically banned in the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet (which is a crock! I own a two-piece bathing suit that is much more modest than 90% of the one piece bathing suits I’ve seen lately). The one good part about RS was that my mom’s cell phone went off in the middle, playing the James Bond theme (it was my dad). I was appalled by the attitudes of the women toward controlling how their daughters appear. They pretty much said that they couldn’t do anything and they’d just have to wait for them to grow out of the stage. My dad always taught us the importance of wearing modest clothing and my mother stood right beside him on the issue. I’m grateful that my parents clamped down and taught me and made an effort to make sure that I followed the standards set forth by the church. The Sunday School teacher wasn’t as familiar with the gospel as she should have been and got caught up in finding relevant quotes so she kind of missed the boat on the deeper meaning. Sacrament Meeting was testimonies and Drex and I got a wee bit irreverent and counted up how many times certain phrases were said—good times. After Church my parents wanted to talk to us a bit. My dad had processed a bit more and had read the interview done by Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman. He asked some pretty pointed questions; nothing super personal, but pointed nonetheless. I think that conversation helped him to feel a bit better about the situation. Both of my parents stressed that they had no problem with the marriage and that we have their support 100%, they’re more concerned for my emotional well-being than anything else. During the discussion I had the feeling that I should ask my dad for a blessing, but was waiting for the right moment. After the discussion ended, Drex turned and whispered to me that I should ask for a blessing. I knew I needed it and I knew it would be amazing, so I asked. My dad was more than willing and invited Drex to join him. As they laid their hands on my head, I was overcome by the feelings of love and gratitude I have for the two most important men in my life. I was given some pretty neat promises and left with a feeling of peace and comfort. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

We ended up staying and eating lunch with the fam and then we headed back home to good old P-town. On the way, we stopped at Drex’s Grandma’s house to tell her that we’re engaged and to visit for a bit. After the visit we bee-lined it for home and, after saying good night, collapsed into our respective beds and slept.

To sum everything up: both of our parents are now aware of the challenges we face, Drex and I are engaged, the wedding date is August 8^th in Washington DC, we’re having a reception in Alpine on the 10^th of August for those of you interested in attending.

Ok, now we’re caught up on vacation. I’m sure Drex will have a meta-post with his take on the events described above. Now Drex can post on something cool and spiritual and I’ll find some more pictures of chapstick :P

vacation: days 3-5 - san fran & fremont

2007-05-10T18:37:00.000-06:00

day 3 - san fran (saturday april 28 2007)

Saturday morning began bright and early - we headed up from San Jose to Fremont to catch the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) from Fremont at 8:30ish. We grabbed some bagels along the way, clambered on the train, and headed into the city. We decided to hit up the shops in Chinatown first. We were scheduled to meet with some of my online friends from a forum at 11:00, so we meandered around for the time leading up to it. My friends were a bit late (about an hour because of construction and traffic issues), but showed up and we went to dim sum at a Chinese place with them. I think Salad will have to meta-post on this in the comments for a more in-depth or American look at Chinatown, because I grew up visiting my mom's family in the Chinatown in Brooklyn (I'm half Chinese). It was fun and reminiscent of other times, but mostly unremarkable to me. A bit touristy (read: very touristy). After dim sum we went intoa few more shops, then ran off to catch a bus. In the ensuing hulabaloo, my online friends got ditched, leaving me in a bit of a sour mood, and we headed off to Ghirardelli Square. We got the free chocolate, then walked down to Fisherman's Wharf, walked along the water area to Pier 39 where we saw a dock full of sea lions (which I brilliantly called mountain lions while bragging to Bob about being in the middle of San Fran), and took a rail thing over to Union Square. We hit up another Rasputin (Hidden was bent on getting that last DVD of an anime he liked), then caught the BART back to Fremont and the car. Dinner was Panera (mmm Panera), we went shoe shopping for Vanessa, and headed down to the third (and final) Rasputin (where Hidden still failed to find the last DVD). Then off to bed again.

day 4 - fremont (sunday april 29 2007)

Sunday was amazing for me. Probably a little bit less so for Salad, but it might have been my favorite day of the vacation. Salad and I left early to get to church in Fremont. We made it in record time (I didn't know how much Sunday morning traffic to account for) and ended up at the chapel about 50 minutes early for the 9:00 sacrament meeting. We roamed the halls and I showed the wonders of huge California chapels to Salad (2 chapels, 1.5 gyms, 2 kitchens, 2 relief society rooms, an elevator to the 2nd floor with about 40 classrooms, 2 libraries, etc.). People started showing up, and I got some really classic double-takes. Now, I spent 15 months total in this ward. I was part of the ward. I loved the people there, and had gotten to know many of them on a fairly personal level. That said, I didn't expect too many people to remember me very vividly. It had been over a year, after all. Much to my surprise, pretty much everyone remembered me, and the outpouring of love was huge. I don't want to come across as prideful or conceited, but I was a dang good missionary in that ward, and the members knew it. Anyway, everyone would ask Salad if she sang before they'd ask anything else. I sang in Sacrament meeting in that ward probably no less than 13 times. The bishop even asked if I would be singing anything in the meetings, but we hadn't planned ahead for it, so I said no. As luck would have it (of course), the girl who was supposed to do the musical number ran in semi-frantic, saying that she couldn't play the song because she hadn't finished learning it. The first counselor turned to me (5 minutes before the start of church, mind you) and asked if I would be willing to sing. Who am I to turn down a coincidence in church? So I sang "I Need Thee Every Hour" almost straight from the hymnbook, and it was awesome.

The best part of sacrament meeting, though, was the involvement of some key individuals. One of my converts, who I baptized when he was 11, was preparing the sacrament. Another of my converts was passing the sacrament. One of the kids that I did new member discussions for and kept active was passing the sacament as well. And another kid that I did new member discussions for and that we kept very involved got his mission call that week. A bunch of my converts were there and strong, and most of my favorite members were there as well. One of my favorite converts made the trip up to Fremont specifically to see me, despite having moved to another area. It was amazing, the Spirit was so strong, and I was nearly moved to tears many times.

The rest of the meetings were fairly nondescript. We went to the Chinese Sunday school and I translated everything for Salad. Priesthood was surprisingly good (I forgot what good Priesthood meetings were like), even if I had to conduct the music for opening exercises (they have a sense of humor in Fremont). After church, the Chinese group put together a potluck dinner at one of the member's houses, so we headed over there and got to eat a sampling of much of the best Chinese food you can get. I got to sit down and talk to a lot of the people I missed so much, and even got to horse around with all the little kids that were off limits as a missionary.

After the potluck we hung out with some of the people and eventually took a nap on the couch. When dinnertime rolled around we went down to Cupertino, the other area I served in, to eat with the former branch mission leader. Apparently the little branch in which I started my mission, which had averaged about 30-35 members at sacrament meeting when I got there and had 45-50 when I left was averaging over 70 people a week, and they were considering moving it to another building and breaking its dependence on the English ward. Going back to my old stomping grounds was a huge booster for me - to see that the work had continued forward and that the people that I had worked so hard with were still strong was amazing to me.

day 5 - fremont revisited (monday april 30 2007)

Monday was probably really boring for Salad. For the late morning/early afternoon, we perused Asian stores, bought and ate Chinese pastries and a boba drink, had In-N-Out again, and kept ourselves busy. Around 2:00 we headed off to my favorite member's house for the rest of the day. I had done a lot of music with her and had baptized her three kids. We did a bunch of music (she played, I sang), I showed her a bunch of the recordings I'd done over the past 2 years, and she made my absolute favorite dinner, chinese beef noodles. It was just as good as I remembered. She also had some authentic Taiwanese pastries (brought from Taiwan that weekend by her husband) and some other Asian desserts and such. When we left that night, she sent us off with a box full of treats. From there we headed into San Jose to pick Hidden up from dinner, and we drove back to Utah. It was a very long drive back, but we got back in one piece and without incident.

It was a tiring trip, but so good for me. I loved it, and had a great time, and hope to be able to do something like it again next year. That's about it.

~drex

Brought to Tears

2007-05-08T23:42:00.000-06:00

So I'm supposed to be editing/writing a paper, but this is more important. Don't look at the time stamp Drex!

Drex and I were doing our scripture study tonight which, because of vacations and the fact that we no longer live in the same complex, hasn't been as regular as we would like it to be. We're kind of behind, but this is one time when I find myself extremely grateful for the fact that we haven't been as diligent as we should be. We were reading in Jacob 6 and I found myself overcome by emotion, to the point where I couldn't speak, as we read part of the chapter. Now, you must understand that I have only been brought to tears one other time while reading the scriptures and that was right after Drex and I started dating. The verses we read are as follows

4 And how merciful is our God unto us, for he remembereth the house of Israel, both roots and branches; and he stretches forth his hands unto them all the day long; and they are a stiffnecked and a gainsaying people; but as many as will not harden their hearts shall be saved in the kingdom of God.
5 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you in words of soberness that ye would repent, and cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you. And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts.
6 Yea, today, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts; for why will ye die?

I was touched so deeply by the part that says, "he stretches forth his hand unto them all the day long." Sometimes we are so blinded by the troubles we face that we fail to recognize the fact that we don't have to do everything alone. Someone else is there to take our burden and make the way easier for us.

We went to the Matis FHE last night and Brother Millet talked about the fact that the Lord cares for us enough to take on our burden, all we have to do is let go and let Him take over. Much easier said than done, I know. I've struggled lately with the idea that I don't have to take everything on myself; I can let others help me and I have to let others help me if I'm going to get anywhere--not just in the long run, but in the short run as well. God truly has, and does, stretch His hands out to every one of us...we just have to be willing to look up long enough to realize it.

Ok, I don't think there's much else I can say right now that will even remotely make sense, so off to paper land with me...

vacation: days 1&2 - driving & monterey

2007-05-07T01:37:00.000-06:00

day 1 - driving (thursday 26 april 2007)

We started out as soon as Hidden was done with his last final. We left Provo at around 8:00PM (causing me to miss all of the 2-hour special of American Idol, grr). The drive was fairly uneventful. We cycled through drivers throughout the night/morning. I drove until we crossed the Nevada line, then passed out because I'm extremely adept at sleeping in moving vehicles. We made it through much of Nevada to Reno before I took my turn again, and I drove almost all the way through California before Hidden took over for the last 20 minutes or so (which I also slept through :P). After arriving in San Jose at Hidden's uncle's place (at around 7:00, if I remember correctly), we crashed on their air mattresses and floor and took naps for the rest of the morning. Although before we actually fell asleep, Salad had planted herself downstairs and was reading when Hidden and I heard raucous laughter coming from her direction. Salad, in her lack of sleep, had completely misread a word in her book: underfed. If you read "under-fed," give yourself a gold star. What she read was the past tense of "underf," meaning (now), to misread or mishear something. We were up again at around 12:30. One item of note at this time is that after awakening, Hidden and I were talking in the living room when a bird flew into the living room window. Bonk and a flurry of feathers later, we look out the window and don't see the bird until another bird flies in and starts feverishly pecking at it - it was stuck in the crosshatches of a chair on the porch. So here I am thinking that I'm seeing bird cannibalism before my very eyes, when the trapped bird gets free and I realize that was the point the entire time. Smart birds.

After that we went to In-N-Out for lunch (mmm...), went to Rasputin (a fantastic used CD etc store) and picked up some music and the first season of Duck Tales (woo woo!) on DVD (woohoo!), then headed to the Great Mall to try to find orange sunglasses and orange Converse hi-tops for Hidden (they had neither). We headed into downtown San Jose to pick up Salad's friend Vanessa and went out to Thai food for dinner (amazing). Then we rushed back to Hidden's cousins' high school to see their production of The Wiz. It wasn't bad, but didn't match up to Utah high school standards (I saw Orem High's production of Les Mis a few years back, and it was amazing). We did have a fun time trying to figure out if Hidden's cousin is straight (we don't think so) and making fun of some of the acting, though. After the play, we dropped Salad and Vanessa off (I think Salad was walking dead at that point) and Hidden and I visited one of his old friends from the mission. Hidden procured a car for Sunday and Monday so we could split up, and we went back to his uncle's house to sleep.

day 2 - monterey (friday 27 april 2007)

While we had originally planned to leave at around 6:30 to pick Salad up and head down to Monterey, Hidden's uncle talked us out of it, and we headed off at around 9:00 instead. We had a fairly uneventful trip down to Monterey, driving through some of Hidden's old stomping grounds and seeing all manner of fields of garlic, artichokes, and strawberries. Once in Monterey proper, we parked down aways from the Monterey Bay Aquarium and Cannery Row, then took a walk along the sidewalk for a while. Because Hidden and I had previously been to the Aquarium and hadn't been horribly impressed (either by the things to see or by the exhorbitant price), we skipped out on that. We ended up taking a few minutes at the small beach there, wetting our feet in the extremely cold Pacific and taking a bunch of pictures. Hidden almost had his flip-flops stolen by the ocean, Salad got freezing cold saltwater on freshly shaven legs, and I was mostly boring. At one point Hidden was writing Salad loves Drex in the sand, but the water came and washed it away. Glaring, Hidden spouted off "Boo, you whore!" at the ocean. We laughed. A lot.

We finished up there, picked up some sunscreen so Salad wouldn't burn too bad (haha yeah right) and headed off to 17-mile drive. The drive itself is beautiful enough, but we were also able to see some of the notable things along the way. We went through most of the stuff there, then spit ourselves out at Carmel. In Carmel we grabbed some food to go from a diner, then planted ourselves down along the beach. Two plus hours later we headed back to the car and up to visit one of Hidden's convert families for an authentic Mexican dinner. We also slowly began to realize the power of the California sun, as Hidden got some sweet tan lines, Salad burned all over (we told the family that she was radioactive), and I got the worst sunburn I've ever had on my legs (I don't burn often or easily, but I guess my legs got the brunt of it this time - by now they're finally fading into a tan). Dinner was fantastic (tacos like what), and we headed back to San Jose for boba drinks (smoothies with giant tapioca pearls - they're an Asian thing that's been big in Cali and elsewhere with Asian populations but that are picking up other places, too) with Vanessa. Then we headed off to sleep and prep for the next day: San Fran.

EDIT: Flickr Pictures! http://www.flickr.com/photos/8151244@N05/ (I think that's how it works)

samantha's questions - round:drex

2007-05-02T12:12:00.000-06:00

1. Of course, every person secretly believes that he or she would make a marvelous movie star. If you could be the star in any major movie, which movie (and role) would it be?
Hey wait, I'm in a movie! We just have to make it a major movie. ;) A run on Broadway would be nice, too. Um...it's a toss up. I'd be Shawn Ashmore in X-Men as Bobby Drake/Iceman because I would have sweet ice powers and look hot in a leather uniform, or I'd be Jet Li in Hero, because I'd be the most awesomest martial artist EVER. And be able to fly. Ish.

2. Think of an amazing person you know. You don't necessarily have to have met the person, but you need to have some knowledge of him/her. What three personal traits would you like to borrow from this most amazing person? Why?
The person is Peter Petrelli, and the traits are telekinesis, spontaneous regeneration, and flight. It was a close call between flight and invisibility, but the mobility granted by the later trait would be much fun. The whys should be obvious - I'm one of those guys that from a young age wanted super powers. Telekinesis is just awesome - the idea of moving things with one's mind is really fun. Regeneration, especially of the variety that Peter manifests, would render me essentially invincible.
Oh, is that not what you meant? If we're talking real people, it would be my father for his patience, humility, and ability at dealing with things in general.

3. You wake up one morning to find that you've become a Muppet. Which one are you, and what is the first thing you'll do?
I'm Rowlf the dog, and the first thing I do is find my way over to the nearest out of tune piano (because I, Rowlf, love out of tune pianos) and play me some ragtime music. Drawn by my unparalleled piano prowess and my undeniable performing energy, a group of Muppets quickly materializes around me, and a spur-of-the-moment musical hit is born. We top the Billboard charts for weeks thereafter, and I begin the hit Muppet group "Rowlf's Renegades," who embark on a 7-month tour of the world.

4. As Queen of the Queerosphere I have granted you a hypothetical privelege. You may choose any person from the Queerosphere with whom to spend 12 hours. You must spend the entire time one-on-one. How will you spend your day?
Hmm. I already hang out with a lot of my favorite people in the Queerosphere, so I would probably choose someone I haven't been able to meet in real life. In that case, it would probably be the ever-mysterious -L-, and while I would want to pick his brain about a lot of things before the day was done, it would be far more fun to hit up a big amusement park and go on roller coasters all day. =D

5. There is a rumor that college students subsist on meals largely made up of mac 'n cheese and Ramen Noodles. Suppose that every meal you eat from this day forward must contain Ramen Noodles. How will you spice them up?
Ramen can hardly be considered a real food, but I have made some halfway decent stir-fry meals using Ramen. Oriental chicken salads with crushed Ramen noodles (not cooked) are pretty good, as well. Any pasta dish could probably get away with having Ramen noodles mixed in. I wonder how fruit salad with Ramen noodles would work. Or octopus.

~drex

Samantha's Questions

2007-04-30T09:04:00.000-06:00

1. If you found a crystal ball that was fairly ancient but had just enough energy to answer one question, what one thing would you like to know about the future?

A: Are we going to get rid of money?? Seriously, that stuff ruins my life.

2. If you had a secret weapon that would make you invincible, what would your personal secret weapon be called and how would it work?

A: I think I would choose invisibility. Then I could attack people in their sleep and they’d never know what was going on. That and I could listen in on a whole lot of conversations and learns lots of weird stuff that would lead to me being able to take over the world!

3. Most people have ingested at least one item that is not food (crayons, paper, paste, dirt, etc.) What non-food item have you eaten, how did it taste, and why did you eat it?

A: Hmm….the only “non-food” item I can recall eating is chapstick—usually lipsmackers—but that’s more a result of putting on a whole bunch and licking it off my lips…except for the one time when I made Gimple, GBYUS, Calvin, and Drex try the pink lemonade flavor by having them put it on their fingers and lick it off. I had to do it first so they knew it was ok. Lame, I know, but it works.

4. You die and find out that, indeed, reincarnation does exist. You may come back as any other entity, as long as it's not human. What will you choose?

A: That’s a tough one. I think I’d come back as a book.

5. Suppose you discovered an unlimited cash reserve that you must spend in the next two hours. You may buy one item and only one. What will it be?

A: ONLY ONE?????? Whose stupid idea was that?? Well, if it’s unlimited, I obviously can’t spend it all at once, so I reserve the right to interpret this question in such a way that I can buy multiple things later, but have to buy one super great item in the next two hours. I would buy a library…mmmmmm, yes, a library *covets*

Yay for not Utah!

2007-04-29T23:31:00.000-06:00

California is amazing for many reasons, but the reason at the top of my list is the fact that it's not Utah--yay for that!

Drex pretty much gave the run down until now, but can I just mention again the fact that we got sunburned?? I HATE being sunburned, but I guess my vanity got the better of me...that and the beach was amazing ;) For the record, sunburned shins are not a fun game.

Today was pretty fun. We went to church in one of the wards where Drex served his mission and it was really neat to see how much the people love him. They were all very excited to meet me (one guy told Drex that he was "on the right path" since he found me...) and after asking us when we're getting married, the next question out of their mouths was "does she sing??" I was quite entertained. It's always interesting to get the other side of the story when it comes to a mission. All the members kept telling me how lucky I was to have Drex and other similar comments (as if I didn't already know) and they accepted me as if I had always been a part of their ward family. Overall it was a really great experience and I'm glad I was able to be a part of it.

I'm sure we'll both have more to say when we get back, but I'm going to go put my feet up and go to bed...I can't fit my feet in my shoes for all their swollenness :(

S.

vacation: day 0

2007-04-28T23:20:00.000-06:00

So I've been swamped with papers, finals, work, moving apartments, cleaning the apartment, and now vacationing in California. I've been having a blast in Cali, but there's so much to talk about that I'm just giving a rough outline: 10-12 hour car ride, In-n-Out, Rasputin, trip to Monterey and sunburning on the beach in Carmel, carousing on the streets of San Fran, and whatever the heck I'm going to get accomplished between now and the end of the trip. It's been fantastic and very therapetuic, and tomorrow I get to go to church in the ward that I served 15 months of my mission in, and see a bunch of the people I worked with. I'm really really excited for that.

Sorry I'm going to leave it at that - I figured I ought to let everyone know what the heck was going on, and clue everyone into the fact that I have minimal time to get blogging done. :P Yay California!

~drex

mean girls and ringing

2007-04-22T00:48:00.000-06:00

We finally had that Mean Girls party tonight! I'm glad a bunch of you could make it. And by a bunch, I mean that we peaked at 20 people in that little living room. I had fun! It's really interesting to see how we all interact with each other, and it was fun to meet some new people and introduce some of our new people to the general group.

Also, a bit about ring shopping. Which we've been doing. It's a pretty tedious thing for most guys, and I'm not really an exception to that rule. I won't lie - the first day we did ring shopping, I was not really enjoying myself. We hit up the University Mall and saw all the jewelers there, and mostly it was just depressing for both Salad and me, because everything that looked good was way out of our price range, nothing was very variable, and most of the people weren't all that interested in helping us find something that would work for us. Today we hit up Sierra West, though, and had a much better experience. The sales guy there was very nice, very knowledgable, and extremely helpful. The stuff that they had was much more up our alley, and the prices were much better than in the mall. We'll see where it all goes - I'll keep everyone posted as we figure more stuff out. And if we get a ring from there, there's some sort of incentive for referring people, so if anyone else ends up needing to get a ring, head over there and tell them we sent you. ^_~

That's all. It's late.

~drex

Oh yeah PS brother Bob is going to Hawaii on his mission. God loves this family. First California for me, now Hawaii for him? I don't know where our next brother can go to compare.

Girly rant, please forgive me

2007-04-19T10:07:00.000-06:00

Ok, since Drex did a rant, I’m going to…except mine is no where near as important as his is (and it’s kind of girly).

He already mentioned the fact that we’ve been trying out different flavored lip glosses and stuffs which has been fun, but the acquiring of said lip gloss was irritating in the least. I asked Drex for flavor requests before I went to the store and figured that I would be able to find whatever he asked for in the lipsmackers section of Target. Silly Salad, this is Utah where there’s no selection for anything if it doesn’t relate to the Church :P I searched in vain and couldn’t even find one of the five flavors requested, so I headed to Walmart thinking, “It’s Walmart…they have everything!” Again I was sorely disappointed and getting really ticked off. I was able to find some substitute flavors, but I couldn't figure out why the selection was so crappy and why I couldn’t find what I was looking for when I’d never had any problems before; and then it dawned on me: I grew up really close to the Bonne Bell factory (makers of lipsmackers) and therefore was privileged to have a wide selection to chose from; everything from Cherry Coke to just plain Strawberry, from Mocha to Pina Colada. I still have some friends at home, though my parents have moved, so I called my best friend’s mom and asked for a favor, “will you please find me these flavors and send them to me??” Thank goodness for the amazing mother of my best friend…we will soon have some new flavors to try out ;) But I’m still bitter about the lack of selection here

Ok, there’s my rant. I’ll try and have a substantive post in the near future, assuming my brain doesn’t turn in to scrambled eggs in the next week or so.

rant: judgemental mohos

2007-04-18T11:58:00.000-06:00

Yay for the end of classes! I only have one paper and one test left, then I'm free for spring and summer. Glorious. So for the record, we're experimenting with flavored chapstick/lip gloss/whatever, and it seems to have a positive effect. So that's good news.

Now I want to vent for a little bit. I have been nothing but impressed with the overall open-mindedness, acceptance, and non-judgemental nature of the Moho community, but I've come to a frightening realization. Mohos are just as judgemental of people they feel don't match the poster-boy image they like. Not always, but a lot are.

Those who know us know that Hidden fits quite a few gay stereotypes. He's effeminate, carries around a murse, worries about fashion, flails his hands when he talks (sorry bud =)), and stuff like that. But y'know what? Underneath that exterior, Hidden's just a guy with his own issues, his own strengths, and his own needs. And y'know what? I feel like he's been betrayed by the very people who should understand him the best. Do you know how hard it is to watch your best friend get snubbed and shut out by people you consider your friends? Or at least people who by all accounts ought to at least understand enough not to judge others based on such silly notions. So what if he talks like a gay guy - his ideas are good, his opinions are solidly founded, and he's working his tail off to help people understand not only him but all of us in the Moho community.

We went for a walk late one night last week. Most of you understand what it's like to feel alone and alienated, to feel like those who ought to understand really don't. Most of us have gone through that. Some of what brings us together is that commonality, and many of us have reveled in the seemingly unconditional acceptance by those 'like us.' Many of us feel like we finally belong somewhere, that we're relating with people who can actually understand where we're coming from, and who are friends with us for who we are regardless of orientation or other issues. Hidden still faces a lot of that alienations and loneliness even when spending time with us. Outside our tighter group of friends, the tenseness and sometimes distaste or even dislike are almost palpable. He's been cut out of activities or other things with no explanation. It bugs me to no end to see, and it breaks him apart. He probably wouldn't want me to be blogging about this, but it really irks me that we have such a capacity to speak out of both sides of our mouths. People are people, and if you're going to judge them, do it based on more than just your surface judgement and your distaste for the way they walk.

On the plus side, there are many of you who have not shown that judgemental mentality, and I thank you for it. Our little circle of friends is still growing, and I love every one of you - we have so much fun spending time with you, and it's sad that some of it will be broken up by the coming of spring semester. I hope you all keep in touch on Facebook or whatever as you disappear for a few months.

Sorry I was ranty. I'll hopefully post again tonight - brother Bob is hopefully getting his mission call and opening it tonight, so I'll have to brag about it. ^_^ And talk about going out to sushi. Mmm....

the open book of life, chapter xo: Kissing

2007-04-15T11:38:00.000-06:00

Alright, it’s my turn to weigh in on this aspect of our relationship. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about posting on such personal things, but I hope that what we have to say will benefit those of you who read this. After all, mixed-orientation relationships aren’t something we find a whole lot of research on.

I guess I should back track a little…up until about 2 weeks ago, I was completely fine with the fact that we hadn’t progressed to the kissing stage yet. A lot of people would ask me if Drex was a good kisser and I’d shrug and respond with, “I dunno” and move on with the conversation. His brother even remarked one day, “you really don’t care, do you?” It was true, I didn’t. But for some reason, about 2 weeks ago, the fact that we hadn’t kissed started to affect me. Eight times out of ten I was still ok with the fact that we hadn’t kissed, but those other two times it was all I could do to respect the fact that Drex just wasn’t there yet.

One of the biggest problems for me is that I really do enjoy kissing. I’ve dated a few people and reaped the benefits of being with someone else who loves to kiss as much as I do. It’s hard for me to understand why people wouldn’t enjoy kissing, but at least this situation is a little easier to wrap my mind around ;)

Things came to a head yesterday when I very nearly succumbed to the pressures being placed on both of us. I felt really bad approaching Drex and will admit to being…scared (but that’s not really the right word) when he responded the way he did. Luckily it didn’t do any irreparable damage.

Later that day, another pressure was heaped upon us and in an effort to respect Drex and make sure that he didn’t have to deal with that pressure, I inadvertently made things worse. I felt terrible and even contemplated just giving up on kissing anytime soon altogether. Kissing is something I enjoy and something I feel to be an integral part of a relationship, but I didn’t want to be kissed because he had been pressured into it. I almost decided that if he tried to kiss me last night I wouldn’t let him—I’m glad I didn’t though.

Even though Drex didn’t enjoy kissing as much as he wanted to, I think it was a good experience for both of us. I will admit that I kind of like the fact that he turned the initiation part over to me as it will make things easier on my end. I fully intend on putting my somewhat limited experience to use to coach him through and potentially get to the point where he can enjoy it more.

We’ll see what happens and where this takes us now, but I have high hopes for our future (with some reservations) and I know that everything will work for our good.

relationship progression: kissing

2007-04-15T10:48:00.000-06:00

It makes me sad that my busy-ness has overtaken my blogging. I can't wait for all my papers to be written and my finals to be done - the stress that plagues my mind and the minds of those close to me leave us all on-edge and near the breaking point. Salad and I went to a concert on Friday night, and I was moved to tears. Twice. That doesn't generally happen (except with Whitacre's When David Heard, which is arguably the most soul-wrenching song in existence), but my emotions were so close to the surface, and the feelings were so acute that I couldn't help it. While I don't much enjoy crying in public, it was worth the experience.

I was also going to opine on another subject, but what I have has become so lengthy that I'm going to hold off until tonight or tomorrow. It's something that's weighed about as heavily on my mind recently, so it's important for me to blogbarf on it.

So. Some of you in the know and close to us have been very interested in this aspect of our situation. I'll catch everyone up, because though it's pretty personal, it's not so personal that I won't divulge to inquiring minds. I have a hangup with kissing. First of all, I just don't get it. What's so great about kissing? Maybe I'm just not wired right. Another way for me to be defective. ;) Second, my mind works in odd ways, and I'm fairly certain that progressing to the kissing stage when my mind isn't prepared would be a bad idea, and a psychological setback for me. I know it's supposed to be 'just kissing,' but for some reason I've got great importance attached to it - probably because everyone else likes it so much, and I don't think I understand it. I've done stage kisses for a high school musical, and film kisses for a movie I was in. I've also been smooched by a semi-trashy smoker girl backstage at that same musical, but I've never been in a situation where I've kissed someone romantically. People tell me I'll just 'get it,' but I have my doubts. I think I understand myself better than most people realize.

And that was actually a small point of contention last night. Enough people know about my hangups on this, and want my 'best interests' that they've been trying to get it to just happen, because they think that's best. I had told Salad that without doubt, I wanted to feel like I had overcome my mental blocks and gotten to a point where I was at least comfortable with trying before we did it. She almost got swayed otherwise talking with other people, and it was only my frantic pleadings that talked her out of it. She even prefaced with "You're going to hate me for this, but...." That didn't offend me, but it set the stage for later on in the day, when yet another person made an innocent comment about how she should just lay one on me right then. For some reason that just set me off inside, and I had to isolate myself so I could examine what made me so mad about it. I decided it's because I felt cornered, and that no one was listening to what I was saying - despite telling many people that I needed to overcome this mental hurdle before taking the next step, they were deciding what was in my 'best interests' without regard for my opinion. I know they meant well, but I understand me. My self-analysis is in-depth, very probing, very honest, and typically quite accurate. The mounting pressures to live up to everyone else's expectations for a relationship of which I am a half became to much to want to deal with.

Anyway, I've been working on getting past this for days or even weeks now. It's a logical step in a relationship, even if I don't get it, and I know Salad likes kissing a lot. Last night I finally felt like I'd mentally braced myself enough to take that step. I think my fears were very well founded, and after doing some kissing last night, I can honestly say that I still don't get it. I think I'm just not a kissing kind of guy. It was more enjoyable than any previous stage kiss or whatever that I've had, but it's not something that I'd look forward to all the time, and I certainly don't understand lengthy make-out sessions. Seems like a waste of time for me. Perhaps as I experience it more it'll grow on me, and I hope it does, but for right now I've told Salad that she'll have to initiate anything, and that I won't enjoy it as much as she does, because I just don't understand what's so great about it. I can imagine kissing anyone, girl or guy, and it just really doesn't do anything for me. Oh well. Salad says she's gonna coach me through it. ;)

Although if there are any opinions out there, especially from anyone who's had remotely similar experiences, please share. I'll take everything with a grain of salt, but I will take it. And I'm curious how everyone else falls on the subject.

~drex

historic strides at byu - chapter: dean of students

2007-04-13T12:45:00.000-06:00

I only have about 6 minutes before I have to leave for class, so this will be brief and I'll come back to it later. Hopefully. I'm kinda wiped out right now, so we'll see.

This morning we (8 of us) met with the Dean of Students and his two associate deans. They are involved with anything dealing directly with students, including all groups and clubs as well as the Honor Code office. The meeting was set up by Jan Scharman in conjunction with our meetings with her, and the purpose was for us voice our concerns with a group that deals more directly with the student populace, to pass on any specific grievances with the Honor Code office (execution of the policies set forth in the document) and to discuss possible ways that we can improve BYU's approach to the entire BYU SSA community.

The meeting went very well. While we didn't accomplish everything that we had hoped, or even talk about all the topics that we'd considered, we were able to get through quite a bit. Most importantly, we became people that the administrators know and can turn to, and we can feel like we can take things to them. It was a good atmosphere, some good ideas were brought up, and some options for where to proceed were discussed. We're not sure where to take it, because the whole situation is so dynamic and the range of students that we want to work with is so vast that much more dialogue will need to occur before any concrete changes can be made. They are very open to working with us, though, to understanding our concerns, to starting up whatever groups or whatever are ultimately decided to be beneficial for the community, etc. We walked away feeling like the university is listening, and they walked away happy to see our side of things after dealing with the Soulforce side of things, as well as to get people in their office that want to proactively do something to help them understand. I found them more than reasonable, and while we may not have any hard evidence to show how the meeting went, I would deem it a success, and a step in the right direction. I'm looking forward to further dialogue as we continue addressing our issues with the people in power.

~drex

historic strides at byu - chapter: honor code

2007-04-11T11:20:00.000-06:00

I was able to attend a meeting yesterday in which history was made. For years the honor code section about homosexuality has been unclear and arguably unfair - almost anything could be considered against the honor code, because so much was left open to interpretation. The homosexuality clause could easily be used as an excuse to execute judgment and impose restrictions. A group of individuals approached Jan Scharman, Vice President of Student Life, about Soulforce and homosexual issues within the BYU community. One of the things that was brought up was the verbage of the Honor Code. Upon reviewing it, Jan agreed that it was inadequate and unclear, and said that she would work to get it rectified.

We never knew it would happen so fast.

She invited the group back yesterday (plus me, since I wasn't in the original group), and she made it known that the honor code would be a (the?) key issue in our discussion. When we got there, she basically handed us a fully-approved bureaucracy-conquered new version of that section of the honor code. She wanted us to pass off on it and make sure we were okay with it before it went in, but she'd already gotten through all the red tape. It is an amazing fix, and answers the questions we had. It explains what homosexual behavior is, and what advocacy is, according to the university, and outlines clearly what is allowed. It also makes it clear that we're welcome in the community, and based on what it says, we know that we're allowed to discuss our issues with people without fear of administrative repercussions.

She asked that we not post the text online until she got it up on the website, but I just checked and there it is. So here's the text as found here:

Homosexual behavior or advocacy
Brigham Young University will respond to homosexual behavior rather than to feelings or orientation and welcomes as full members of the university community all whose behavior meets university standards. Members of the university community can remain in good Honor Code standing if they conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code.

One's sexual orientation is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity. Homosexual behavior or advocacy of homosexual behavior are inappropriate and violate the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings. Advocacy includes seeking to influence others to engage in homosexual behavior or promoting homosexual relations as being morally acceptable.
Violations of the Honor Code may result in actions up to and including separation from the University.

Unfortunately I don't have the text of the original (there's only about 12 words that are the same between the two, according to Jan, and that actually seems almost accurate), but among other things it said that any action, explicit or implicit, advocating or implying homosexual behavior was against the honor code. I have the wording wrong, but the idea is there. It was bogged down in legalese, it was unclear in its intent and execution, and generally didn't have a good feel about it. So this is huge. How many people have tried and failed to do what just got done? I feel so lucky to be part of it now, when things are happening, even if I played no role it making this step occur.

We're also planning some meetings with other key administrators that Jan has singled out. She's already cornered them and told them that they ought to meet with us, and what it's about. We're going to be branching out from there. We're pretty stoked.

More blogging later. I had to get this out now, but I have a lot more to say about this and other things.

EDIT: Thanks to Foxx for the text of the original, for comparison purposes:

Homosexual behavior or advocacy
Brigham Young University will respond to student behavior rather than to feelings or orientation. Students can be enrolled at the University and remain in good Honor Code standing if they maintain a current ecclesiastical endorsement and conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code. Advocacy of a homosexual lifestyle (whether implied or explicit) or any behaviors that indicate homosexual conduct, including those not sexual in nature, are inappropriate and violate the Honor Code.
Violations of the Honor Code may result in actions up to and including separation from the University.

~drex

a quick take on moho vs homo

2007-04-09T10:25:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to ring in on the MoHo/HoMo debate that's been going on since Tito's post and from there to other places, including -L-'s blog and Mormon Enigma's. While I believe in the sanctity of terms, I also believe in the evolution of terms, and the fact that the creator's original intent might not endure in the definition as a term becomes more widely used or popularized. Tito states:

I want to clarify its genesis and meaning. Because it *was* created for a specific purpose of clarification that seems to have been a bit muddied in the way some people are using it. And this is important—not just any homo can be a moho. Moho is reserved specifically for those individuals who are active, believing, committed members of the Church.

I like the original meaning, because it fills a vocabular gap and makes a clear distinction using a nifty new coined term. However, it's obvious that the word has evolved in usage and now refers more to individuals who identify as homosexual who also have a Mormon cultural background or standing, regardless of their actual position in regards to or affiliation with the Church. And while I'd like to directly respect Tito's definition, it doesn't seem possible or in good taste.

So where do we go from here, if we want to make the distinction? I personally think that MoHo as a more direct and obvious abbreviation of intent and affiliation works fine. Mormon comes first, Homosexual second. Our cultural brotherhood still gets to keep the Moho title, but a clear term that still fills the void can continue to be used. Of course, it takes more than just one person to make a term real, but that's my take on it.

PS Easter was great! I love good holiday-inspired foods. :D

O Haupt voll Blut und Wunden

2007-04-08T10:16:00.000-06:00

I’m sitting here trying to decide if I’m a bigger fan of Easter or Christmas and I think I just came to the realization that I love them equally for completely different reasons and I'm going to focus on my love for Easter.

Last night, smack in the middle of our really good conversation, Drex asked me why I thought we celebrated Easter. I will admit that my mind was in a completely different universe at that moment, but I pulled back and thought for a minute. I came to the personal conclusion that Easter is the celebration of “the gift.” Most people seem to forget that without Easter, there would be no Christmas. While the birth of Christ was God’s gift to us, the Atonement and Resurrection were Christ’s gifts to us. Far too often we get caught up in the commercialization of our holidays and we forget to examine why we celebrate. It’s obviously not about the Easter bunny and the large amounts of chocolate (though I will admit to enjoying that aspect), but rather about recognizing, as exactly as possible, the unsurpassable gift that the Saviour has given to us. He layed down His life for us that we might have the opportunity to return to Heaven and be in the presence of God again. He made it possible for us to repent of our sins and start anew. Without this marvelous gift, where would we be? I can’t even begin to fathom the eternal ramifications of not having the opportunity to take advantage of the Atonement.

My family is very much addicted to music. Every holiday has its specific music and that’s how I group my holidays. Christmas is always associated with Nat King Cole (long story) and Handel’s Messiah. Easter is associated with Bach’s St. Mathew Passion. Every Easter I would wake up to the beautiful music and I would lie in bed trying to soak up the meaning of the words. The version we always listen to is in German and it is amazing. I know most people hate the sound of German, but I don’t think I could listen to these pieces in any other language. One of my very favorite hymns comes from the Mathew Passion: Oh Saviour, Thou Who Wearest a Crown is one of the most moving pieces of music I have ever listened to, and I find it particularly moving in German. I love singing it in church and wish that more people knew of the amazing power behind the song. Here are the lyrics…it’s hymn #197 in the LDS hymn book for those of you who would like the music as well:

Oh Saviour thou who wearest
A crown of piercing thorn,
The pain thou meekly bearest,
Weigh’d down by grief and scorn.
The soldiers mock and flail thee;
For drink they give thee gall;
Upon the cross they nail thee
To die, oh King of all.

No creature is so lonely,
No sinner so depraved,
But feels thy presence holy
And thru thy love is saved.
Tho craven friends betray thee,
They feely thy love’s embrace;
The very foes who slay thee
Have access to thy grace.

Thy sacrifice transcended
The mortal law’s demand;
Thy mercy is extended
To every time and land.
No more can Satan harm us,
Tho long the fight may be,
Nor fear of death alarm us;
We live, O Lord, thru thee.

What praises can we offer,
To thank thee, Lord most high?
In our place thou didst suffer;
In our place thou didst die.
By heaven’s plan appointed,
To ransom us, our King.
O Jesus, the anointed,
To thee our love we bring.

I love Easter and I love contemplating everything that goes with it. I love the music, the scriptures, the family gatherings, the conversations, the knowledge, and the growth. Now I’m going to go continue basking in the glory of Bach’s musical genius while I get ready for church.

happy easter!

2007-04-08T02:06:00.000-06:00

Looks like yesterday's "Bradley" is now Calvin. Just as a heads-up. (:

I had a fun, relaxing day, and we even got to barbecue at Judith's place. I really miss easy access to a barbecue, so it was a nice change, and good food. I finally got to feed my craving for chocolate chip cookies by making a nice double batch. I had wanted to do it for the Heroes party, but there just wasn't enough time with the papers and homework I had to get done the entire week prior. Salad and I had a nice open discussion tonight as well. I don't know how people can keep relationships afloat without good communication. One of the things that came up are my personal walls and boundaries that keep aspects of me from coming to the surface, but that's really a subject for a future blog entry.

So since it's Easter, I got to thinking about the holiday and what makes it unique. I mean, it's obvious that we're celebrating the resurrection of Christ, but I was curious what made the holiday feel different. I came to the conclusion that everything surrounding the religious aspects and origins of the holiday is connected to hope. It is obvious from passages in the New Testament that the apostles just didn't get that Jesus had to die. Peripheral to that, I'm sure all of Christ's followers were pretty much flummoxed by the turn of events - from unfair trials and unruly mobs to the suffering on Calvary and the burial in the tomb, it must have really torn them up. The man that they believed to be the Son of God had just been killed by the government and ruling religious leaders. Their master and teacher was dead. It must have been an incredibly depressing and downcast few days.

Then suddenly Mary spoke with him. Then he appeared to the apostles. Understanding dawned. He was not dead, but was risen. The plan of God was not foiled, and evil had not triumphed. Better yet and more importantly, the Atonement was complete, and hope was given to a world of sinners and people who fall short of the glory of God. Death was overcome, and repentance made possible. Because Christ died, in Christ we may all be made alive, and be partakers of the gift.

In a world where terror dominates our news channels, where politics supercede religion, where diseases run rampant, crimes and atrocities are committed, and seemingly unbearable trials are faced, shouldered, and carried, we are reminded of the hope that comes through the Savior of the world. Christ lives, and He died for us. And beyond that, he made it possible that we can each be clean from not only the sins of the world but our individual sins as well.

Hope permeates every important aspect of Easter for me. I never really noticed it until I sat down and thought about it today. It's in the Easter hymns and children's songs, in the scriptures, in the Easter stories, and in the works of art. And it's in the spirit of the holiday, and in the Spirit. So at this time when we celebrate both the birth and the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, have hope! There's plenty of it in the Lord.

Shoe and ships and sealing wax

2007-04-07T12:21:00.000-06:00

I echo Drex’s sentiments about meeting those of you who decided to drop by last night. I wish we had gotten to talk more, but it was definitely fun getting to see you. Who new that Heroes could do so much to bring friends together (I’ll bet the pizza helped a little (: )? I’m definitely looking forward to many more activities over the summer.

As Drex mentioned, he talked to his brother Thursday night and things seemed to go pretty well. I’ll admit though, I wondered if his brother was really as ok as he said he was. Turns out that like me when I found out, he’s had a hard time wrapping his mind around everything. It doesn’t really help that he’s trying to synthesize everything at once, but I think he’ll survive. Bob (I hate using pseudonyms sometimes) and I talked for about 45 minutes when I picked him up for the Heroes party and then for an hour and a half after Drex and I got back from dropping off the last of our party friends. Bob continues to prove the fact that he’s a pretty special and unique kid. I wish I could outline our conversations for you so you all could appreciate the kind of person that he is, but as it was uber late and I was uber tired, the details are a bit fuzzy for me.

I’m watching the food network as I’m writing this and I have to say, some of the things they do are just nuts! This chick was using a cake decorator frosting putter-oner (yes, I made up a new label) to put tarragon butter on cucumber sandwiches for kids. First of all, WHAT CHILD WOULD WILLINGLY EAT A CUCUMBER SANDWICH??? Second of all, that’s way too much work for a kid’s meal. Anyway, I digress.

I feel like I should wax spiritual, but I’m just not as good at expressing everything I think and feel as I want to be. I’ll have to think on it and come up with some really good, but short, treatise on something. Alright, I have to go drop my roommate off and then work on not being lazy for the whole day…

heroes and papers

2007-04-07T02:19:00.000-06:00

I've had an eventful two days. Last night I completed the process of coming out to my brother (sup Bob (I think that's the pseudonym I used...)) over dinner at Red Robin. We were originally going to counter a nondescript response with Salad doing a classic double-take punctuated by a loud "What?!" but it didn't work out that way. Rolling with the punches runs in the family, and he took everything in stride, though I'm sure he has a lot boiling under the surface that he hasn't talked with me about.

I spent hours of time and got less than 2 hours of sleep last night en route to finishing an 8-page paper for my philosophy class. I actually rather enjoy the subject matter (defining art), but getting some of the sections of the paper moving took a lot of time, and as a result I'm pretty exhausted right now.

Our Heroes marathon was a wild success. Thanks to everyone who came! I had a blast. We were so crammed in there some of the time, it was awesome. I apologize to everyone that I didn't really get a chance to meet (which is basically everyone). I didn't want to section myself off and only talk to a few people, which meant I spread kinda thin and didn't really meet anyone. Just as a quick recap, we had 23 people attend, including 6 (I think) that we met through the blog. agirlwho, John, Gimple, GBYUS, playasinmar, and the Baker's son all made it for at least some of the time. We also added a new friend to the pile, whom I will try to refer to as Bradley. All in all we had lots of fun, got through all of the last 9 episodes of Heroes, mingled, and watched random and silly videos online. I honestly really enjoyed myself, and we'll definitely have to plan some fun activities for those who will still be around once school is out. We're just too awesome a group of people to pass up on the potential.

I'm literally falling asleep while typing this, so I think I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

~drex

drex, pots, and heroes

2007-04-05T00:12:00.000-06:00

First off, today I explain where the name 'drex' comes from, because a few of you have asked. When I was in sixth grade, some friends and I decided that we were going to make a video game. We created concepts for the world, characters with backstories and subplots, and overarching plot to drive the storyline, a magic system, a battle system, and even went so far as to compose character themes and overworld music. Yes, we were nerds in the greatest sense, attempting to put together an RPG. Of the characters created, we each created a character that were essentially avatars of ourselves. My character was named Drex, a shortened form of a street near where I lived, Drexel Drive. Since that time, I have used Drex as my online moniker everywhere I go. I have a significant presence in some circles, and my name is widely known. In some ways it's a 'risk' attaching it to this blog, but I've determined that the barriers between my many lives or personalities ought to be more blurred than I've kept them. For years I maintained a real life persona, and online persona, and my secret gay persona. There are aspects that I like and value in each of those personalities, and there are aspects that I don't care for all that much. I've been trying to reconcile it all and pick out the best parts and make them mine, so I can be one full me. It seems to be going fairly well, for the most part.

I'm so glad I didn't skip my philosophy class today. My teacher invited an eccentric teacher friend of his to come in and speak to us, showing how philosophy can be more a way of life than a method of thinking. This man was weird, but he was incredible. He's a potter (he's been commissioned by the Church to do pottery for some of the historical sites and such, so the next time you visit a church history site and see pottery up on the walls or a glazed porcelain pitcher on the heavy wood table, think that he might have made it) in addition to being a high school teacher (and he taught at BYU in the 70's), and he brought his pottery wheel to include sort of an object lesson. He spent some time shaping clay, showing us different forms of clay, explaining differences between clays and what has to be done to create something out of clay. He was extremely adept with his hands, did some beautiful work, and ended up making a really spiffy pot with a cobalt glaze along the outside.

One of the things he touched on was the difference between the clay that makes porcelain, stoneware, and earthenware. All three types of clay are formed over ages, with erosion taking off microscopic pieces of granite and accumulating together. Clay cannot be made by man, because we simply can't form pieces of granite a quarter of a micron thick. At least I think that was the measurement he quoted. Anyway, all three types of clay are the same material. The difference is how far they stray from the rock, and therefore how many contaminants are with them. Primary clay, used to make porcelain, remains close to the origin and has few contaminants; the clay that makes stoneware has more contaminants, and the clay that makes earthenware has many contaminants. And I hope I'm spelling that right. Anyway, earthenware is heated to 1800 degrees to bake, stoneware to 2100 degrees, and porcelain to 2400-2700 degrees. If earthenware is heated above 1800 degrees, it melts into a puddle. Likewise, stoneware heated above 2100 degrees melts. The correllation isn't too much of a stretch - as we stray from the rock, our origin, we pick up contaminants, and those impurities means that we cannot withstand greater heat and end up as lesser forms of what we could have been. Porcelain can be heated to lower temperatures, and so celestial beings can minister to lesser beings. Earthenware melts at porcelain temperatures, and so telestial beings cannot withstand the glory of the celestial kingdom.

This wasn't discussed in class, but the beauty of our situation, mirroring the clay example but straying a bit from the strict analogy, is that the Atonement and repentance can rid us of impurities. Christ has made it possible for those of us who stray to be able to pick ourselves up, rid ourselves of our contaminants, and move ourselves back to the source.

That's where the analogy ends and I opine some more along some lines that Hidden talked to me about a few months ago. Sometimes we see SSA as a trial, and other times as a blessing. Another perspective is that it is expanded agency. We are given an entirely different set of choices that the 'normal' person doesn't have. Granted, a faithful Latter-day Saint views the choices that are opened to us as inherently wrong, but the choice is there. Heavenly Father entrusts us with more choices, and it is up to us to choose liberty and eternal life through Christ or captivity and eternal death through the devil. We know what God wants us to do, what He hopes we will choose. We were given the choice because we have the capacity to choose right. And yet we are not compelled to act, and compulsory means are not used to force our hands. We are trusted. It is understood that sometimes we will falter, and occasionally some may fall off the strait and narrow path, but that is the purpose of the Atonement - to lift us up out of the mists of darkness, to dispel the misunderstanding, to clean us off and place us right back on the path of righteousness. The way is simple, though not always easy. We even have an iron rod to remind us where we're supposed to go and to help us put one foot in front of the other. I know I'm mixing some metaphors, but it makes sense to me.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? (2 Nephi 4:26)

Sometimes I need days like today and glimpses into eternity like this to keep me going. I didn't think I needed it today, but if the Lord sees fit to distill some dew and grant me some understanding, however faint, I'll take it.

~drex

PS, we have heard back from a handful of you about our Heroes marathon, and those of you whom we have met and added on Facebook have been invited on there as well. We'd love to see even more of you, so if you have the time to drop in at any point between 4:30 and 1:30, feel free. We've got 14 people for sure coming at some point (I think 5 or 6 of those are only coming for portions), with 2 maybes. If I'm remembering correctly. At any rate, it'll be fun times. We will be starting from episode 10, but we'll preface it with a recap and interpretive dance so anyone who hasn't seen the first 9 can be up to speed.

Come to our Heroes party! details in the post

2007-04-03T14:03:00.000-06:00

Mmmm, the Matis’…what fun we had. I don’t think I’ve ever had that much fun in a social gathering of that size. I’m not the most socially graceful person in the world and I take serious issue with large groups of people. You’ll typically find me on the sidelines looking really uncomfortable and keeping my eye on the nearest escape route, but I felt none of that last night. There were a couple of times when I completely stuck my foot in my mouth, but it happens and I’m sure those instances have been forgotten by the other parties involved.

I had no idea what to expect when we got there, so it was amazing. We had great food (I echo Drex’s sentiments that you Mohos are fantastic cooks), good conversation and much spiritual growth. At one point Drex decided to go downstairs to get some water and didn’t return for several minutes so I texted him to find out where the heck he was (also looking for an excuse to avoid being questioned by a girl that was writing a paper). He texted back saying that the Matis’ were sharing more details about Stuart and I bee-lined it downstairs. As soon as I stepped into the basement I was enfolded in the embrace of the Spirit. It was so cool. We listened to the Matis’ share experiences and another woman share her experiences with her son as well. As I was sitting there I felt so strongly that everything I am doing and have done is completely in line with what the Lord desires of me. Drex and I are both working hard and the Lord recognizes that and is pleased with what we’ve accomplished together. It was the most amazing and all-encompassing feeling I’ve had in a few weeks. I am really grateful that I was able to listen to what they said and feel the spirit that they carry with them.

They also spoke about the support that homosexuals have from the brethren. They listed off several General Authorities that they have talked to personally and the steps that the General Authorities are taking to help break down the walls and prejudices in the Church. It was exciting to me to think that our generation gets to be a part of the change. Not only that, but we are involved in something much greater than ourselves and we have the opportunity to make a huge difference. It’s awe-some to think about.

After the spiritual discussion we sat around with my roommate/Drex’s cousin and several other of our friends (both old and new) and had so much fun talking and laughing. The whole experience was fun and enlightening and I can’t wait to go back next month.

Oh, and a big PS here…we’re having a Heroes party at my apartment this Friday. We’re going to start around 4:30 and I think we might plan on doing pizza or something food-wise (so if you plan on coming and could bring a couple of dollars, my checkbook would be exceedingly grateful ;)). If you’d like to come, feel free to email me or Drex…our email addresses are in our profiles. We’ll probably go until BYU curfew (1:30am) at which point I will have to kick you out or get smitten. We’d love to see many of you there even if you can only stay for a little bit. Let us know!

a merry matis fhe

2007-04-03T00:44:00.000-06:00

Oh man, what a night. First off, work and school were both uneventful, other than getting back a failing grade on my latest psych stats quiz. That was a downer. Everything started looking up after that, though. Although I guess hanging out on the steps of the wilk in the sun and basking in the beautiful weather was pretty awesome, too. Anyway, I rushed home after class to get my fried rice finished up (Salad got everything started and I combined everything to finish it up) so that we'd be ready to go - today was the monthly Monday night visited to the Matis', and it was our first time. So Salad, Hidden, Mulan, Remus, and I all piled into the car and we took off to Lehi.

Brother and Sister Matis are awesome. It was international potluck night, and the turnout was huge. I don't know if it's always that big, but it was pretty packed. We had some fantastic food (dang, you mohos can cook ^_~) and made some new friends. It was good to see Pinetree, El Veneno, and AttemptingThePath again, and it was good to meet John and agirlwho as well. Were any of you other bloggers there? If so, sorry we missed you, and we'll have to catch you next time. Also met a cool new guy, whom I will henceforth refer to as "Xiaobei." He served in the same branch as some of my aunts and my grandmother, and recognized me from all the pictures and stories he was forced to sit through; apparently they were pretty proud of their missionary nephew, and went through great efforts to let the elders know how great I was. ;) So that was fun, and I made a new friend!

It was great to feel so open and able to be myself around so many people all at once. I'm fairly open anyway, but there is a measure of repression that just pervades everything around BYU when you're gay. I guess it's one of those natural byproducts of the environment of the university. Anyway, so the conversation and interactions were really fun for me. Honestly, who wouldn't want to hang out with such an awesome group of people? Socially I had an amazing time. Then there was the spiritual aspect - not everyone was in the right place at the right time, but some of us were downstairs with Brother and Sister Matis when they got on a tangent and started sharing experiences with us. Many of the stories they related don't appear in their book (In Quiet Desperation, for those (very) few of you not in the know (if you haven't heard of it, you're a disgrace and need to go undisgrace yourself by picking up a copy asap :P)) and had to do with Stuart and their interactions and relationship with him; other stories related to interactions with various General Authorities, especially Elder Holland, who is a driving force behind looking at homosexuality within the church. He is working to change homophobia within the church during his lifetime. The Spirit was so strong in that basement as we gathered around to hear Sister Matis relating her experiences. All the side conversations tapered off, and people just paid attention - it was a holy moment, and it was a great experience for me. They are such incredibly amazing and loving people, and I'm glad Sister Matis is a huggy person, because I definitely just wanted to give her a hug when all was said and done.

Another sister came for the first time tonight, and she related the story of her son and his struggles with SSA. She just seemed like a very solid, well-adjusted, and loving mother figure that wanted to help each and every one of us, and offered her name and phone number to anyone who wanted someone for their parents to speak with. Though my parents are coping well, I'm pretty sure my mom could use someone to talk to about everything, because right now I think she only has my dad. So I approached this sister afterwards and asked for her number and such so my mom could contact her. She definitely has a heart of gold. I'm so glad she came and offered her support.

Truly there are major things afoot. The tide is turning, and the Church as an institution is becoming more keenly aware of the plight of its gay members. And at BYU I think we're part of a microcosm of what's going on at large - what we're attempting with the administration deals with policy and governing a school population, and we can safely and unthreateningly work with them to achieve understanding, tolerance (for lack of a better term), and openness - all without attacking the Church or our belief system. From there, I think it will very visibly be an example of what can be accomplished within the Church. Not that the leaders of the church are out of touch - I believe it's quite the contrary - but that things can blossom out from what happens here at BYU. And I think we're right in the thick of it right now, and I'm so excited and happy to be part of it. We're actually in a position to make changes for good, and to show that being Mormon and being gay are not mutually exclusive aspects to one's identity, nor is it irreconcilable.

That's all.

~drex

wee~~ conference =)

2007-03-31T23:52:00.000-06:00

What a mostly great day. :P Seriously, though. We started off the day and Salad came upstairs to make coffee cake. It's one of her family traditions for the morning of Conference - they make homemade coffee cake. So I was a partaker of some fantastic home-baked buttery goodness in the morning. Then that first session of conference...can you say amazing? It was definitely a powerhouse session. Lots of doctrine, lots of uplifting and interesting perspectives and talks, and lots of feeling the Spirit. Although I was very throw off by the fact that they decided to do the sustainings in the first session. We ended up having nine people in my apartment watching it together. And we definitely outnumbered the straight people 5-4.

After the first session, we kicked everyone out of my apartment, drove some people home, and Salad and I headed up to Salt Lake to spend some time with her family before they head home (they're still in SLC for their spring break, but they're leaving Sunday night). I had to drive because Salad was on happy pills for her back - and the fact that she hadn't slept since she woke up at 6:00AM the morning previous didn't help things. Working grave is not a fun thing. Anyway, we got to spend some time before conference with her family (who are a riot, and who I like a lot), then we watched the second session with them. I will admit that all the talking about the Tabernacle, its history, and how great it is didn't really tickle my fancy. I like the place, but I watch conference to be uplifted and instructed, and I'm not talking instructed as in a lecture on a building's history. Luckily, Salad made the whole session more interesting by almost slicing her finger off with a cutco knife while cutting sausage for her brother. And then she almost fainted. Leave it to Salad to spruce up an otherwise boring session. ^_^

We headed back down to Provo after the session so I could get ready and head over to priesthood session. The girls (Salad, her mom and sister, Mulan, and my cousin's wife) all hung out and had a girls' night out. They say they ordered some male strippers, but I think they would have been a bit more bright-eyed afterwards if that were the case. Priesthood session was good - I liked Elder Hales' admonition that we had better prepare ourselves properly or we'll die in a fire, and similarly that we should make sure not to be selectively obedient or we'll die in a fire. That's what I got out of it, at least. Seriously, though, conference today was pretty good. But if the rededication of the Tabernacle is what makes it Historic with a capital H, I might throw something at the apostles who perpetuated that rumor. Or mail something threatening to their offices. (apparently I shouldn't blog when I'm in a weird mood)

Then we watched Matrix Reloaded, because Salad still needs to be indoctrinated. Now she's seen the first 2, and we just have to pump the last one in to her. I love the bit with The Architect, because I'm sure a lot of what he says goes over the casual watcher's head.

Looking forward to tomorrow's sessions! That is all.

~drex

true to your 'self'

2007-03-31T00:50:00.000-06:00

Time for a quick post, then bed. My head is throbbing - leftovers from being sick - and my coughing picks up quite a bit when it gets late, for whatever reason. Coughing and headaches don't mix well. For the day, as Salad mentioned, Hidden and Stephen came over. What she didn't mention is that we whipped up some fantastic macaroni and cheese using 5 different kinds of cheese. Lots of leftovers for snacking during conference. =D And the commenting on random cute guys was fun, at least for me. I'm fairly secure in my just-looking-mode, so it's just a fun time more than anything else, and really allows a different level of getting to know your friends. :P

So in my philosophy class today we continued our line of thought about the real 'self' versus the walls/masks/fears/coping mechanisms etc that we allow to dictate how we interact with others. Today much of the focus was on how to get through the mire of junk we put around ourselves. If our real 'self' is immutable and happy, and I am my real 'self,' then no external force can affect my internal happiness - but how do I overcome those masks, insecurities, avoidances, etc. that hold me bound? It's a complex question. I'm of the opinion that since each of our 'selves' are unique, and because each of our barriers are unique, that our methods of dispelling those false-selves are going to be different. Everyone has their own path to walk.

A lot of things came up - repeated choices becoming habit and morphing into character, facing our barriers down, coming up with challenges to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, therapy, prayer, recognizing our own inborn value, continued trying and being committed to a goal, giving up self and trusting something else, and service made our list on the board. For me, a part of me knows who my real 'self' is, but one of the most effective ways for me to find my true 'self' is by identifying my barriers and walls and those parts of myself I consider 'fake' and figuring out how to get rid of them. For example, my introversion got on my nerves for a while, so I decided I was going to force myself out of my shell and get to some activities and put myself out there a little bit more. That one wasn't too difficult for me, and it was mostly successful. Sure I'm fairly introverted still, but I know I can break out when I want to, and right now I'm okay with where I am.

I also got to thinking about whether I am being my true 'self' by denying my passions and pursuing a heterosexual relationship. The answer for me is a resounding yes. My self is a child of God that wants desperately to return to His presence and to inherit eternal life, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, pursuing a 'gay lifestyle' would be more like another wall living my life for me than anything else. It wouldn't be what I really want, but rather more like what I think I'm supposed to want given my circumstances. I think that's what a lot of people touting gay rights 'on our behalf' from the outside fail to understand or connect with - what our perception of 'self' is as compared to what they think it should be. And I wonder if it's what kept BYU administration from working with us before - if their expectation of our 'self' is radically different from how we actually see things.

That's not how I envisioned ending my post, so um...we saw Blades of Glory today, and it was very funny. Will Farrell should never go around shirtless, but it was still really funny. That is all.

~drex

I'm a fruit fly!

2007-03-30T23:45:00.000-06:00

I had a new experience tonight that I would never have dreamed of participating in, and yet found myself completely un-phased by the event as a whole—ok, well maybe that’s not completely true, or I wouldn’t have thought to blog about it :P

Drex, Hidden, Stephen, and I were sitting around watching various music videos tonight and were commenting on the attractiveness of the male singers in the videos. I didn’t really think much of it until I realized that I was having this discussion with 3 guys…not 3 girls. I found it kind of funny when I actually connected the dots (I’m kinda slow when I get tired), and commented to them that I was thoroughly amused by our line of conversation.

Over the last little bit I have become more and more comfortable around the people from the MoHosphere that Drex and I have hung out with. I love spending time with them and getting to know them and often come away wishing that we could have spent even more time together. I think people who don’t take the time and opportunity to get to know such wonderful people are really cheating themselves out of some of the best friends they could ever have.

You guys (I’m using it as a non-gendered term for those girls who read the blog as well) are great and I’m glad that we get to share a bit of ourselves with you and that we also get to know you in the process. Thanks for sharing your stories and insights. I, for one, am grateful that I get the chance to learn from your experiences, make new friends, and come out a better person
overall.

I’m pretty sure this has been uber rambley, but that’s what you get when you have a tired Salad. Perhaps I will try to clarify later. I’m sure Drex’s post will be much more enlightening and deep, so look forward to that.

let me do the talking.

2007-03-29T23:59:00.000-06:00

I'm looking at 10+ days of being sick, and I'm ready for it to be over. Oh well.

We had an intriguing discussion/activity in my philosophy/first-year writing class yesterday (Wednesday). (for the record, taking a first-year writing class is requisite in the psych major, regardless of whether or not you tested out of the course using AP English credit from high school.) It was about walls and barriers in our lives, and how they speak for us much of the time. Essentially my teacher boiled down the walls in our lives to experiences from our past - finding out we're not the center of the universe when we first go to preschool, realizing we're not incredibly brilliant when we get our first low mark on a test, discovering we're not ultra-talented when we get cut from the team by a coach, etc. When we have experiences like that, we react to them, and begin to form a web of belief that defines how we see the world - those other kids in preschool just aren't cool enough to hang out with me, school sucks and my teacher is stupid and I don't need her to learn, and coach just doesn't see my latent talent and potential, etc. As we formulate those opinions and beliefs, often they get in the way of our communication with others - soon it's our walls speaking, and not us. Somehow who we are gets confused and lost in the cacophony of preconceived notions and skewed perspectives we wrap around ourselves.

It all rang very true for me. I think I escaped a lot of the wall-making, because I tend to take things in stride (of course, my view of myself is likely also skewed by my walls of perception and previous notions of my 'self'), but some walls are definitely there. Walls of belief, coping- and safety-mechanisms, psychological abnormalities, etc. filter what I take in and make me see everything the way I want to see it. At the same time, it defines a lot of what I allow people to perceive me as. Though I am a goody-two-shoes at heart (and possibly because of that), I want people to see me that way - part of my perception of myself that I like to project to others is that I'm in some way morally superior to them. I will go to great lengths to perpetuate this perception, and sometimes when I notice I'm doing it (unconsciously, usually) I get quite irate with myself, because honestly...who am I to determine the moral high ground? My walls of shyness, introversion, and insecurity masked by bravado tend to shine out before the real 'me' inside can get more than five words in - I think a lot of people perceive me as aloof, uncaring, or untouchable because of the way I present myself.

So how do we break down our own personal barriers to let the real 'us' shine? Unfortunately I think that journey's unique for everyone, but for me I'm starting with identifying what my barriers are, and then I'm going to figure out what I personally need to do to counteract them. If I can roll with the punches and adapt as well as I think I can, it should be an exciting exercise.

What does anyone else think about the concept, especially of one's walls doing the talking for them? It seems like those of us who deal with SSA tend to be especially adept at creating walls around ourselves to determine what we say and do, especially in social situations and interactions with other people. I guess another question in our case is whether or not we want to bring those barriers down, because honestly we are safer in Mormon society when we've got some of our barriers up. Is safe enough? I'm guessing the depends uniquely on each individual as well. It's a lot to think about.

~drex

Episode #4: bringing it current

2007-03-26T11:21:00.000-06:00

Ok, as promised, here's the rest of the story:

Right before Christmas and after as well, Drex’s cousins and brother and I had been talking and we’d seen a change in him. We didn’t necessarily feel like it was a change for the better and we began to be worried about him. He seemed more upset and bitter and angry and just overall not in a good mood—EVER. His cousins nominated me to be the one to talk to him and figure out what was going on. That wasn’t really a fair position to put me in but there was logic behind it. They figured that I would be the one person that he would listen to and actually take seriously. I HATE confrontation and contention. Drex and I are very similar that way. I didn’t really want to deal with the issue because I knew that there could only be 2 outcomes: 1. we would remain friends and the friendship would get better or 2. everything would end right there. Because those were the only options I had no desire to deal with it because I tend to psyche myself out for the worst case scenarios. I kept putting it off and putting it off and just trying to ignore what was going on.

At the end of January I was cornered by Drex’s cousin and he had a lot to say. He’s been one of the biggest supporters of me and Drex getting together since the very beginning and this encounter proved to be very stunning. He sat me down and told me that he didn’t want to ever be in the same room with me and Drex together because we have the tendency to verbally play off of each other and it’s not always very nice. He said that we had offended him deeply and that while he didn’t want anything to change the friendship between us, he wasn’t going to make an effort to be around when Drex and I were together. Then he told me that I should just give up on Drex altogether. Maybe at one point we could have worked, but at this point our paths had diverged enough that it just would never be a possibility. I was stunned by this conversation and really didn’t know what to say. When he left I called my mom and bawled on the phone about everything. I told her I couldn’t do it anymore and that I was just going to get over him. There were other things I needed to focus on and I couldn’t waste my time anymore because it obviously wasn’t going to go anywhere.

I finally sucked up my inhibitions and decided that I would talk to Drex about the change in his attitude while his cousins/roommates were out of town on business. We had to see a movie for the class that we are taking together while they were gone, so I just decided that I would do it after that. We walked out of the movie and were on our way to my car and my heart was going a million times a second. I was so nervous. I waited until we got in my car and were headed home and I told him I had a loaded question for him and asked, “what’s up?” I’m sure he didn’t catch my meaning at first, but after some probing he told me that he was really stressed out and since he didn’t have any real music distraction going on he was having a hard time filtering everything out. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really buy that answer, but I let him keep talking. We ended up going up to his apartment to talk since he was by himself and we sat on complete opposite sides of the room. We talked for over an hour and I have no idea what the specifics of that conversation were. Then suddenly he was talking about his SSA in really vague terms and dancing around whatever it was he was trying to say. I looked at him and said, “Why are you dancing around the issue?? You know I know, so stop dancing.” He responded with, “I know, but it still hurts to talk about.” Then, for only the second time since I’ve known him, tears started streaming down his face. I again felt an increase of love for him and knew that he needed something from me, so I opened my arms and said, “Come sit by me.” He moved and I put my arms around him and laid my head on his chest and we just sat there for a while. I felt him take a deep breath and exhale and what came next left me completely shocked. He said, “I need to preface what I’m about to say with, I don’t want to be smothered and I don’t want you to get your hopes up…but I think we should give us a try.” Ok, now place yourself in my shoes and picture my reaction. I had always planned to be spiteful if he ever asked me and just tell him no, but in that moment I felt the most overwhelming peace and contentment fill my heart and mind and I knew it was right. While I was processing that though, I looked up at him with complete disbelief in my eyes. When I gained control over my voice I replied with, “Well, I need to preface my answer with, I’m done with my endorsement in June and I really have no intention of staying here unless there’s something keeping me here…no pressure or anything.” I think he answered back with something along the lines of “Fair enough” but I don’t remember because my brain was on complete overload. We sat there for a long time and he put his arms around me and we talked about many different things. For some reason that I can’t recall at the moment, we decided that it would be a good idea to keep the fact that we were dating from his family until after his cousin got married. Looking back on it, it was quite the silly decision, but whatever. It was at that point that I decided to tell him that I had Hidden’s email address if he wanted it.

I went to bed that night still wondering if I had dreamed the whole event. The whole idea of finally being able to date him was so surreal to me and I hardly dared believe it was true. I had waited for four and a half years and my prayers had finally been answered…and then it dawned on me: I had made a deal with God and once again He had come through for me. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to go making all kinds of deals with God, but it proved to me that He does listen to our hopes and desires, and if we’re patient enough He just might be willing to let us have the ones that will be good for us. When I woke up the next morning I very nearly pinched myself just to make sure I was awake. I decided I didn’t want to deal with the minute pain and waited to see how things would go with Drex that day. To my complete and utter surprise, we were actually dating, I hadn’t dreamed it all.

After about a week and a half and talking with Drex’s cousin’s fiancé, we decided to scrap our original plan of silence and told his family (mine already knew). My roommate/his cousin was ecstatic and demanded the full story while I was in the middle of getting ready to go to class—needless to say, I was a bit late for class. The rest of the family wasn’t really surprised at all and they reacted with “it’s about time” and “we’re really happy for you.” When Drex told his mom though, there wasn’t much of a reaction at all, which made me really nervous. We had established a pretty good relationship when I went out and visited them, or so I thought and the fact that there really wasn’t a reaction from her didn’t seem really uplifting at the time. The whole extended family was coming in to town for Drex’s cousin’s wedding and I will admit to being very intimidated to talk to his family after the lack of reaction. I started stressing out unnecessarily, which I’m wont to do in a lot of situations. Everything went smoothly the first night they were in town which did much to put me at ease. Unfortunately I was still stressing out about the wedding because I was supposed to do the bride’s hair and take care of the kids while everyone was at the Temple and…and…and…yeah, I was stressed out. The morning of the wedding I did the bride’s hair and drove her up to the Temple and then went back to Drex’s parent’s hotel to watch the little ones with his brother. We went back to the Temple for pictures and when I got there, Drex told me that he was considering telling his parents about his SSA while they were in town. I was kind of surprised, but told him that I would support whatever decision he made. We kind of talked about it a little on the way home from the Temple and he made the decision to go for it. Later that afternoon he told his parents that he wanted to talk to them alone at some point. I didn’t think it would happen that day, probably right before they left to go home.

That night was the time. We sent Drex’s brother home with my car and the little ones were in bed. I was sitting next to Drex with my arms around him and my head on his chest but before everything settled in to place I had him lean down and told him that I loved him no matter what happened and I wasn’t going anywhere. I put my head back on his chest and his heart was going about a million beats a second (ok, so that’s exaggerating, but it was going really fast). The wording he chose for telling his parents was quite similar to what he said to me so I experienced a bit of a flashback. They took the news exceedingly well and expressed their love and support for Drex over and over—his dad was quieter than his mom, but you could see the love in his eyes. During the course of the 2 hour conversation we covered a lot of topics, but I was most impressed that they included me in the conversation. Both of his parents asked me how I felt about the situation and how things would work out with us and how my parents would react to the information. It was an amazing conversation and I can only hope and pray that the conversation with my parents is as productive.

The next day we went up to Northern Utah to visit with his extended family and I had an absolute blast. His cousins are way fun and his aunts and uncles are great people. I didn’t interact as much with the adults but I seemed to fit right in with the cousins which isn’t something that normally happens right off the bat for me.

The last night his family was in town Drex and I spent at the hotel hanging out and just being with the family. When it was time to leave Drex’s dad gave me a hug and then his mom gave me a hug and said, “You take care of my boy and let him take care of you.” I felt so loved by them and I don’t think they can ever appreciate how much that meant to me. After being so nervous about them coming out and everything it was a really good point at which to leave off and I felt really good about the situation.

We started the blog not long after they left so I think this might be the end of the recap of the “Drex and Salad Saga.” I feel kind of sad about that, but at least I got it finished. I’m going to end with some personal thoughts and then I can just keep going with the present stuff.

I have known, almost since day one, that Drex and I were more than just mortal friends. I truly and deeply believe that our spirits were friends in the pre-existence. I know that sounds way cheesy and very Saturday’s Warrior but it’s true. The time leading up to us dating and the point where we are right now was painful in a lot of ways, but completely worth it. I know the feelings aren’t 100% reciprocated, but I love Drex more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life and that love grows everyday. I can’t picture my life without him, nor do I ever want to. I know that our road together will be long and hard and occasionally discouraging, but it’s totally worth it. I wouldn’t give up our experiences together for anything in this world.

the easiness of the way

2007-03-25T23:02:00.000-06:00

First off, I apologize if this comes across as preachy to anyone - it's not my intent to make anyone line up directly with my personal beliefs and experiences, but rather I feel like this insight is important enough both to record for my own benefit, and to share with others if they care. This connection has been stewing in my mind for a while now - I've read over the passages in my personal study and in my scripture study with Salad in the last few weeks, and they clicked together the second time through. I've been trying to figure out how to convey the power of the connection I saw. Here are the passages:

...he saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree. (1 Ne 8:30)

What meaneth the rod of iron which [Lehi] saw, that led to the tree?
...it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.(1 Ne 15:23-24)

...and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished. (1 Ne 17:41)

The connection seems obvious, and most people have probably already figured this out, but it really struck me this time through, and I did a small evaluation of my recent life. Before a few weeks ago, though I'd cracked open my scriptures periodically I hadn't established a firm schedule for scripture study, and whenever I tried things would get in the way. I'd easily rationalize missing a day and making it up later (which rarely happened). This time, I've been much more consistent - though I'm only partway through 2 Nephi and though Salad and I only just finished 1 Nephi tonight, there's been a difference. I haven't missed a single day of personal scripture study since I began, and Salad and I have missed two days due to curfew, but made them up the next day in both instances. What really interests me, though, is how much easier it is to face temptation when I've got my scripture study going. I taught that to people all the time, but I guess I never actually internalized it with anything other than my mind. I wasn't convinced it was true. It really is, though.

The words of the Lord as contained in His scriptures have a power in them to change lives and to influence people. A concerted effort to study the scriptures personally allows one an extra layer of protection against the adversary. It's not foolproof, it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card, but it lends you strength and brings you that much closer to the Spirit. How often do we forget in our angsty, internally focused lives and through our trials that we have the words of God available to us? A commonly-used cliche' Mormon concept is that to talk to God we pray, and to listen to God we read our scriptures. On a very simple level, it's true. There's obviously more to listening to God than just reading our scriptures, but it's an important step to finding the will of God and finding the strength to align ourselves to it.

That's about all. PS is anyone else excited for Conference? My psych stats teacher said that two of the Apostles, while reorganizing stakes in the Utah Valley area, said that this Conference will be Historic with a capital H. My stats professor then spread the rumor that they're getting rid of Sunday School and going to a 2-hour block of meetings. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm pretty sure my testimony would be strengthened if that happened. ;)

~drex

Musings

2007-03-25T21:18:00.000-06:00

So my parents are in town for a week and I'm really excited that they're here. Drex mentioned most of what happened yesterday so I won't bore you with a repeat of the story...except to mention that my dad and I played catch for a bit, which was uber fun. I'm a softball fanatic and Drex hasn't learned to appreciate the goodness of the sport so he won't play with me (it might also have something to do with the fact that he doesn't own a mit, but we're not going to talk about that).

My parents have met Drex before, but it wasn't under the bf/gf context so I was interested to hear their impressions after spending some time with us. I texted my dad to thank him for taking us to lunch at Shoots (soooooo good, yum) yesterday and he texted me this morning to say that he got my text. My dad isn't the most text-savvy person in the world so he ended up calling me and we talked for a half an hour. He said that he and my mom are impressed with how Drex treats me and that they're happy that I'm happy. He then proceeded to tell me that he's never seen me so happy, which I guess is a good thing. Since Drex and I have talked about the possibility of getting married I asked my dad what he thought of that scenario and he said, "As long as you're happy it doesn't matter what we think. We trust your judgment and we know that you won't make an eternal decision that will make you unhappy. Your mother and I like Drex a lot and I don't forsee any major problems. Your sister is the more judgmental one, but let's be honest, what does she know?" I laughed at the last statement because it's so true. My sister refuses to have a good opinion of any of my friends. I love her, but she can be the biggest punk sometimes.

After I hung up with my dad I got to thinking about life and how things have really fallen into place for me and us over the past few months. I reflected on something else my dad said, "Heavenly Father opens doors for you when you're headed in the right direction. Make sure that when those doors open you step through them. They won't be open forever and you need to take advantage of it." God really has opened a lot of doors for me recently and I've tried to step through every one of them no matter how scared I am for what's on the other side. It takes a lot of faith and I often feel like I'm unprepared and unable to handle whatever will come next but so far I've been really blessed and haven't been challenged above that which I could bear. I know that life won't always be easy--believe me, I've had my fair share of sucky moments--but I know that everything will turn out for my good and the good of those around me.

Alright, I really need to go write a paper for my Chinese history class...I've put it off for far too long. I promise to continue the "Drex and Salad Saga" sometime soon, I just have to find the time to sit down and write the rest of it.

S.

a weekend in brief

2007-03-25T10:58:00.000-06:00

Man, I missed two nights of posting. The reason why is that my brother has been staying at my apartment to recuperate from getting three fillings and four wisdom teeth removed on Friday afternoon. He's been in a pretty sad state, and I have an extra bed in the apartment. Plus my mom all but commanded me to take care of him. :P At any rate, my brother doesn't know about me yet, and while I have no problems with telling him, I'm waiting until it feels like the right time for him to hear about it. I suspect he already knows, but the fact that he hasn't addressed it and that he's coping with finding out some of our other friends are gay leads me to believe that it still isn't quite time to bring it up. Soon, though.

Salad's family drove into SLC on Friday evening and came down to spend the morning and early afternoon with us yesterday. I made belgian waffles for breakfast (yum yum), Salad's parents and grandpa went to the temple while we went and watched TMNT (good, silly movie), then we trucked over to Shoots, the best Chinese place in town, and had lunch. It was very fun - Salad was impressed that her family made complete fools of themselves and that I took it all in stride. Honestly, I wasn't aware that anyone made fools of themselves. Isn't weird behavior normal for most families?

Also, we have a new Moho friend! We met him briefly at the discussion group with Soulforce on Thursday, and Hidden had a chance to actually spend some time getting to know him. He and Hidden came over last night and we watched The Matrix (edited, because I'm silly like that), since Hidden had seen the last 60% of the movie 10 times or more and Salad had never seen any of it. I don't know how everyone else liked it, but I had fun. We'll have to do more stuff in the future. I'm going to call our new friend Kyle until he comes up with some name for himself.

All the activities and such over the weekend got me to thinking...I really like meeting a lot of you people in real life. What if over the summer we had some sort of monthly get-together? We could all go hang out at a park, maybe bring some food to munch on, maybe see a movie in a theatre or at someone's house, whatever. I know some people are wary of such gatherings, but I think it could be a lot of fun. And even if it doesn't happen, Salad and I are always willing to hang out and have fun (provided we're not swamped with schoolwork at the time). Spending time with Hidden, meeting Pinetree, Kyle, AtP and El Veneno have been some of the highlights of my month.

At that, I suppose I should be getting ready for church or something.

~drex

soulforce visits byu

2007-03-22T23:12:00.000-06:00

Still sick and now with an exceedingly sore throat, but I'll survive. I'm going to try to get everything about Soulforce down in this one post, but if I get too tired or it's taking too long, I reserve the right to start in the middle and finish tomorrow. There's a lot to say.

So last night's discussion group was actually pretty decent. The Equality Riders gave a brief (about 20 minutes or so) presentation about...I forget the term...theological progression? Or something like that. Anyway, I kinda zoned out on most of their points - it's all stuff I've heard from left-wing activists trying to cater their message to a conservative group before. They were knowledgable with their Bibles, but it didn't really align with how the majority of GLBT BYU students feel - at least in my experience. Emily had some really helpful comments about the basis of good dialogue and forward progression and understanding being based in creating relationships. Sorta reminded me of the whole BRT step on the mission - building relationships of trust (sup now-defunct purple handbook). Truly, though, that was the only thing that a Soulforce member said that actually resonated with me and allowed me to feel the Spirit. Nowadays with stuff like this I largely follow my feelings, because I have a closeness to the Spirit when it comes to discerning the truth of things. I'm pretty sure it's one of my spiritual gifts. So though the Soulforce people intended well, they just weren't getting the picture.

After they took off, though, we were left with only one Soulforce guy - Mike, a former BYU student and current member of the Church. He obviously understood us better, and with 'our people' guiding the discussion, progress was made, and things felt better. They talked about submitting lists of grievances to the administration (a semi-futile approach, as I see it, and one that ended today with two Soulforce people being arrested in order to make a point), the fear that pervades the everyday lives of GLBT BYU students (I mostly just like putting all those letters in a row :D), the stereotypes that fly around, the misconceptions that the majority of the student populace has about us, and what we'd like to see changed in the Honor Code. The grievances bit, while good in principle, was attacked in entirely the wrong way. School administrators anywhere don't like to be pushed around, and a list of things we think are wrong is less than likely to be entertained, plus having Soulforce members 'march' the list on campus (their words) when they've been warned to stay off or be arrested...not so much a good idea. That was a big loss in my eyes. The talk of fear, stereotypes, and misconceptions was pretty good stuff. I personally haven't felt afraid of being myself on campus, but a lot of that is because of my personality and the feeling of invincibility I get when I think I'm in the right. I'm not going to be advocating public displays of homosexual affection on campus - I advocate open communication between all people about the subject and attempts to increase understanding and love amongst all students. So the fear has never really been a factor for me. Stereotypes of any kind bother me, and more so gay Mormon stereotypes, because they're close to home. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm promiscuous, doesn't mean I whore myself out, doesn't mean I'm going to go limp-wristed and lispy (and if I did, who are you to judge me for it?), and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not trying to live the gospel just as much as the next guy, or more so. It's myths like that that we're trying to dispel. As for the Honor Code, we just want clarity. We don't want a 6-page expose' on what homosexual activities are permissible or not - we want first of all to be able to discuss the issues in our lives without fear of ecclesiastical and administrative punishment. We want other people to hear and understand our stories, and perhaps feel compassion for our struggles and lend support. What do the scriptures say about dealing with people who are struggling?

...willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort... (Mosiah 18:8-9)
...lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees. (D&C 81:5, out of context)

If we are able to have more discussions like that amongst the common BYU populace, we'll be partway to a more understanding campus.

Then, there was today. I didn't get to take part in the walls of Jericho march (sickness and work kept me away), Hidden did, and he told me that it was more good than bad. His interactions with Soulforce members was very positive, and he helped some of them catch a glimpse of the typical gay Mormon at BYU outlook. Some issues arose when the pro-same-sex temple sealings people started to pass around literature. It's people like them that give a horrible slant to our community and who lead Soulforce to believe that they can change Church doctrine. More on that in a moment.

We did, however, skip our history class to attend the rally at Kiwanis Park. It was not as well-attended as I had expected (I think it was about 50-50 or 40-60 Equality Riders to people who showed up on their own), but it started out great. Haven, a lesbian who organized the Soulforce visit last year, kicked it off (as far as I can tell, since we got there 5-10 minutes late) and was actually fairly well-spoken and fair. Then a "straight ally" current BYU student spoke to us about his experiences (he has a lesbian sister who left the church and thus his family has spoken about it), his findings (largely dealing with controversial electro-shock therapy used by a BYU professor in the 70's in an attempt to 'cure' homosexuality, a topic addressed in Carol Lynn Pearson's book, I think called No More Goodbyes (but I'm not positive, since I haven't read it)), and his opinion on what needs to happen. He also pulled some relavent quotes from his ancestor (from the time of Joseph Smith) and some stuff from Joseph Smith himself. It was good. Then a current BYU student who identifies as lesbian spoke, and was also very good. She talked about the pervasive fear on campus, her testimony of her trials and struggles, and how talking with others and being open allowed her to love herself again.

Unfortunately, the good stopped there. The next guy up was an older guy named Clay. He started out trying to lull us into his speaking style and getting us to trust his opinions by citing scriptures and faith that BYU would change its policy. Then he went off basically on church policy, saying that the 'rewards' to GLBT members of the church were unjust in the context of the scriptures, claiming that we have to take a stand against current powerful church leaders, and completely taking scriptures out of context to support his claims. It was a gross misrepresentation of what the majority of us stand for at BYU, and I don't think he should have been allowed to speak. It's people with stances like his that make Soulforce's visits unwelcome to many, and make me feel like they're less of a help to us than an inhibitor to actual dialogue. And as bad as Clay was, the next guy was worse. I didn't catch his name, but he said that we should call on church leaders to repent. He cited "Dollin" Oaks fearing that the Church would no longer be able to limit gays, he twisted I Am A Child of God, and generally was horribly creepy, and again, completely unrepresentative of what we stand for. I was horribly disappointed by how it ended up.

I didn't get to attend tonight's discussion group, but Hidden did, and he said it was phenomenal. Four of the six individuals who talked with Jan Scharman a few weeks ago were there, and only a couple of Soulforce members. They (Hidden and Pinetree, among others) were able to actually bring home our stance as gay Mormons - that to most of us (at least the ones in our circles), it's more important to be Mormon than to be gay. Basically that our goal isn't for BYU or the Church to allow us to 'act out' our sexual preferences, but that we want to be understood and free to talk about who we are and how we live, what we struggle with and how we can strengthen each other.

Tonight Soulforce is gone. They've stirred the pot, for sure. People are thinking about things, at least in part. We know that administration won't want to do anything that seems reactionary to Soulforce's visit, but we also know that they're open to discussing things behind closed doors, and profess to be open to creating something in the open as well. It's up to those of us who are in a position to do something to righteously and tactfully apply pressure to get things done, to speak when it is appropriate to speak and to make our voices heard. That's the only way we'll get anywhere before Soulforce returns again next year.

End of high horse. Sorry about long post.

~drex

Soulforce and other such stuffs

2007-03-22T23:01:00.000-06:00

Wonder of wonders, I'm actually posting...

This won't be terribly long because I really need to get to bed, but there are some things that I wanted to get down before I totally forgot. And sorry for those of you waiting anxiously for the continuation of our story...I'm still working on it :P

Soulforce--what can I say? I will fully admit to having anti-Soulforce sentiments previous to this week. I'm still not entirely sure as to where I stand with regards to them, but I'm not as anti- as I was before. We went to a discussion night last night that was much more successful than I was expecting. There were over 60 people there and it ended up being a fairly good dialogue with the exception of a few people who had no idea what they were talking about. I feel like the Soulforce people were starting to understand the point-of-view of the LGBT community here at BYU.

After the Soulforce people left we stuck around and talked for at least another hour. I am really glad we went and I got to learn more about everything. There were only 2 parts that I didn't enjoy: I was super tired and had a hard time focusing, and I was sitting in the same position for way too long which made my back super cranky.

Today we went to the rally and I was actually really impressed by the first 3 speakers and then by the "musical number." They had some really great things to say and I felt like they were speaking with inspiration and a real desire to make the situation at BYU better. The next 2 people that spoke totally killed any good feelings I had felt. They took scripture out of context, took Church history out of context, advocated a complete change in Church doctrine and encouraged people to "stand up in the face of oppressive Church leaders." It's no wonder Soulforce feels like they need to change the doctrine of the Church in order to make things better. With people like that as their contact people they couldn't gain anything but a skewed view of the Church and where people stand. I was really frustrated with the end of the rally, but I have to admit that I was impressed by the overall experience. Hopefully things will be even better next year and the communication between the university and Soulforce will actually be productive.

After the rally Drex and I went back to my place to make dinner and generally veg around...well, I had homework to do, so it wasn't all relaxation. Poor Drex is so sick. We pretty much just sat and watched the Pitt v. UCLA and OSU v. Tenn games. Thankfully my Bucks pulled through for me again, but they had me nervous for a while.

I will blog about other things and continue our story later, but I'm going to head to bed now so I don't catch what Drex has and die this weekend.

S.

PS: my family is coming in to town this weekend and I'm super excited...I'll let you know how everything goes

prologue: soulforce

2007-03-22T00:22:00.000-06:00

This entry is more a reminder to myself of what I want to touch on later. I'm exhausted, burnt out, and incredibly sick, so tonight isn't going to happen. However, here're the basics (and keep in mind that prior to going I was fairly anti-Soulforce, but am typically open to giving people a second chance to make an impression):

We had 60+ people at the in-home discussion group that started at 8:30. There were 5 Soulforce peoples there, the most persuasive/knowledgable of whom was a lesbian gal from upper Michigan (and now from Washington) who has family members who are LDS. She grew up the daughter of a Lutheran minister (hey, I baptized one of those!). There were also fellows from Presbyterian and Southern Baptist roots, and I can't remember the other two (the bookends on the couch - anyone remember?). Their message was okay, but you could tell that underneath the cheery exterior they wanted to change church doctrines more than anything else. Which is okay, because they don't really understand us or our culture. Emily (the cool chick) said the one thing by a Soulforce rep that actually resonated with me, about relationships being the foundation for understanding within the community.

After the Soulforce peeps took off, we continued the discussion for another hour and a half. We got some questions from straight individuals trying to understand where we're coming from, a lot of talk about suggestions for Honor Code changes at BYU, some interesting discussion about stereotypes and common misconceptions, and got to tell everyone about Hidden (he'll get a blog someday soon :P) and Pinetree's meeting with the VP of student life at BYU and the strides that are being made from within. While some comments were a bit off-base, for the most part a lot of honest interaction and real learning went on, and I deem the meeting a success. Even if my body ACHED sitting there the whole time. Sitting in one place for a thing like that for three and a half hours when you're achy and sick isn't very fun, but it was definitely worth it.

Now we just have to convince our teacher to let us off class so we can go to the Kiwanis Park thingie tomorrow....

~drex

the good and the blah

2007-03-21T00:47:00.000-06:00

Oh so busy. Honestly, there isn't enough time in the day for me to do all the things that I feel I have to do. On the plus side, I had a great (though incredibly hectic) day at work. I was not only amazingly busy, but very effective in using my time. I ended up making a sale (yay extra $200 this month! :D), plus I was told that my commission structure would be changing to be centered on training rather than sales, since all my time is taken up training people, and especially people that other guys sell onto our program. (we do online construction management software) So that means perpetually more money coming in. Which is really good, since I have a bunch of furniture to buy for the new apartment, a car to pay back to my parents, double rent in the month of April, and a trip to Cali to save up for.

Have to balance the good with not-so-good, right? I'm definitely getting sick, but I'm trying to stave it off with vitamin C, ibuprofen (to combat the abysmal ache-all-over feeling), ginger tea, and sleep. We'll see how I feel in the morning, but I definitely sound froggy with my itchy throat right now.

At that, I'm going to sign off. Gotta get some semblance of a night's rest, right? :P

~drex

meeting new people

2007-03-20T00:09:00.000-06:00

So tired today, but it was a good day. Work and classes and all that jazz, but basically all day I was just pumped to go up to see the Joseph Smith movie again. What made it even better was that AttemptingThePath and El Veneno decided to join us. And just as I suspected, they're really cool and we had a good time. I wish we could have had more time to just talk or hang out or something, but I guess that'll have to happen some other time. Seriously. Plus, this time watching the movie I set a new record - I only used 4 tissues! But I think my sinuses were kinda clogged, 'cuz I got a nice sinus headache on the drive home. Wee!

I'm trying to figure out why I'm in such a good mood. I guess I just had fun, and it was good to meet new people that I could be open with, and who were the type that I would actually enjoy being friends with. It takes a certain type of person to be friends with me, so even seeing friend potential leaves a happy feeling. Plus it was an incredibly beautiful day today, and despite my brief bout of extreme pissed-offedness in the car (o road rage u), the sun kept me happy all day. I'm so shallow sometimes. I love it. ^_^

And now, to bed.

~drex

historical: first encounters

2007-03-18T23:42:00.000-06:00

Pretty fantastic day today. I got to sleep in, it was gorgeous outside, church was abidable, we had an incredibly fun dinner at my aunt's house, and we hung out with Hidden and heard his hilarious performance of assignments from a class he took. We're pretty much all patched up now (to the relief of Salad) and the three of us are going up to Salt Lake to see the Joseph Smith movie tomorrow night. Incidentally, I bet we could get away with taking one (or squeezing, two) more if there's anyone from Provo/Orem that wants to come. I haven't cleared it with either Salad or Hidden, but odds are they'd be okay with it, and if not you'll just have to deal with the rejection. (: I'm excited, though. And I have to remember to bring a box of tissues, because I've definitely used at least 6 every time I've seen it, and I'm not anticipating it being any easier this time around. What can I say; I'm like a faucet.

Ok, so I'm flipping through my journal for fun historical insights into who I am. One entry made me giggle. I went to a school dance (girls' choice) my freshman year of high school at age 13. The girl I went with "was in Mathcounts and is way smart, essentially a girl version of me." PS, a year later she came out as a lesbian. xD Sorry, looking back that just cracks me up.

I guess I never recorded anything about the next few major milestones in my self-discovery, so this will be the first record. By my sophomore year of high school and at the age of 14 and 15, I'd come to terms with my SSA and had realized that it wasn't something that was likely to go away. I was still trying to figure out where I stood on it, and while I was nursing an interesting crush on a girl (I have yet to figure that one out, because I wasn't physically attracted to her - it might have just been a weird best friends thing, but I'm not certain), I was having a plethora of crushes on guys. That year the strongest crush was a senior kid that was in choir with me. It was very juvenile, but hey, I was just 15.

The next year was much more hazardous - I'm fully confident that only the intervention of the Lord kept me from ruining my chances at a mission and possibly facing other ecclesiastical repercussions [as a side note, I've toned this down some. This is a very vivid memory, and some aspects of that week would be just a bit too graphic for my taste]. With the old seniors graduated and the new senior tenors not really stepping up, I basically headed up the Tenor I section in the auditioned choir and the hand-picked madrigal choir at school. Among the Tenor IIs we had some decent strength, but a big boon for the section came in the form of a sophomore kid named Dylan who transferred back up to our school from New York City, where he'd been in a boys' choir boarding school something-or-other. The kid was openly bisexual, and extremely cute. So I silently crushed on him. A few months after my 16th birthday, the orchestra and choir went on a competition trip to Virginia Beach. I was in both the orchestra and the choir, and I had friends in the orchestra, but I wanted to make more friends in the choir. I'm sure secretly I wanted to room with Dylan and that that influenced my decision, but my memory on that point is pretty hazy. In the end, though, I did room with Dylan and two other tenors from the choir. Turns out one guy was also openly bi (and extremely disgusting - picture 400 pounds and unshaven, age 17, in lounging clothes on the bed eating vienna sausages out of the tin off of his stomach, and you can picture this guy), and the other guy was loosely closeted bi. What a situation for a stalwart LDS SSA youth to be in!

Two things saved me that week. One was my incredible naivete, and the other was what I see as intervention from God but what could have just been a series of unfortunate circumstances. I'll skip most of the filler. At one point Dylan and I had a pillow fight in our PJs (his consisting of boxers and an undershirt), and we ended up on the bed with his legs wrapped around me. If I had half a brain for the whole sexual undertones/overtones/tones thing, this would have been an obvious come-on. Luckily I was completely ignorant. If he had walked up to me and asked me to do something scandalous with him, I probably would have dropped everything and done it, but instead even his most obvious machinations didn't do anything to me. He would put a towel on, drop his boxers, and leave them in the room with me while he went to take a shower. He talked about not getting any on the trip. Seriously...how much more obvious could he get? We even talked about his lifestyle some of the time in the bus. But I was blissfully unaware of any interest from him.

The last day of the trip, I had basically decided I was going to go after an encounter with Dylan. Which was mildly amusing, because the night before he'd been talking about how he thinks everyone in the world is bisexual and just doesn't realized it, then decided that I was the only straight guy on the planet (probably because I didn't react to his flirtations) and that all supposedly straight guys should be as cool and accepting as me. Anyway, since I didn't understand flirting I was just going to be incredibly forward, and my excuse for doing it, or the circumstances I wanted to create to set it up, was another pillow fight. Shortly before I was going to put my plan into effect, one of the jerks in the choir basically threatened Dylan and said that he was going to tell Dylan's older sister about his orientation (how his family didn't know I will never fathom), which threw Dylan into such a funk that he wasn't in the mood to play or anything. I honestly feel like I was unwittingly moving into a temptation that would have been beyond my capacity to bear, and that God all but plucked me out of the situation in order to keep that promise that we won't be tempted above that we are able. In the end nothing happened between us, Dylan and I chatted and emailed for the rest of the school year and he loved being able to educate me about his lifestlye and the terminology and such. To this day the smell of the cologne that he wore reminds me of him, but I'm incredibly glad that nothing happened between us and that God had His eye on me. Even if I wasn't committed to a path following the gospel, he was a player and I would have been a fling, but since I was on the path to serve a mission it means that much more to me. Especially looking back and seeing just how treacherous the path I was treading was. God's a good guy.

~drex

lazy days

2007-03-18T01:04:00.000-06:00

Lazy days are *so* therapeutic. Especially lazy days where it's over 70 degrees outside and blessedly sunny. Oh man. Salad basically mentioned most everything fun that happened today. I had a choir rehearsal this morning, cut my hair, got my shorts, we watched some basketball, hung out with Hidden, went to a concert and ate some cookies at our friends' house.

I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to blog about - it's a combination of too many ideas and too tired. I guess something that's been piquing my interest is holding grudges. I used to be able to hold a grudge really well and really long. At one point I held a grudge against my best friend - for years it lasted, until one day, years after he moved to another state, I had a dream that he said he was sorry. Only then, like 6 years later, was I able to forgive him and move on. So I find it really interesting that I can't really hold a grudge anymore. Or rather, I suppose I could, but I don't see the point to myself. One aspect of my logical side that remains intact is my ability to reason out of (some) emotions. If I'm feeling something that doesn't make sense or has no benefit, my logical side can sometimes flush it out. This extends to whenever I'm angry at friends - for better or for worse. I can't stay mad at friends, and can't hold a grudge against them. Not like I used to.

I suppose that relates to another curious thing that I've pondered recently - the logical vs. emotional dual aspect of personality. Before my mission I was almost purely logical. I think that at some point I subconsciously decided that the best way to not feel SSA-related emotions was to try to kill all my emotions. Of course very few people are able to completely pull that off, but I did okay at it. At some point on my mission, though, I switched to a largely emotion-driven individual. I think that was part of striving to be in touch with the Spirit. My testimony gained a more obviously personal aspect because I felt it myself rather than just learning it myself. I was able to discern the needs of those around me and how I could help them best. Some of that carried over after the mission, but I find myself sometimes wishing my logical side was as strong as before.

And I'm apparently rambling again. Man, I have to get more sleep. And maybe blog sometime earlier than 1:45 in the morning. Brilliant.

~drex

Episode #3: boo, you whore

2007-03-17T23:55:00.000-06:00

It's a good thing I already had this next part of our story written because I'm way too pissed off right now to think coherently. I went into work tonight for a grave shift only to find that I was put on the schedule to work 4 extra hours in the morning. No one called and asked me if that was ok or even told me that I was on the schedule...pretty much I'm at the end of my rope and I'm seriously considering quitting.

Today was pretty good overall. Drex and I watched part of the OSU v. Xavier game this morning and my buckeyes won by the skin of their teeth. I was going to be so ticked off if they failed me in another sport *shakes fist at the football team* Then I made coffee cake for brunch and it was bliss. Later we went clothes shopping with Hidden and I was reminded again of how much I *hate* shopping of all kinds...except for when I get to get new kitcheny things. After whirlwind shopping and dinner, Drex and I went to the Concert Choir/Singers concert and were pleasantly surprised at the personality that Singers showed. Usually they're completely void of facial emotion and don't really look like they're having a lot of fun but tonight they were awesome. Then we went and hung out with some friends of ours and ate cookies and had a grand old time, but alas, it had to end and I had to go to work. Mrrrrr.

Back to the story of us:
Through Drex’s cousins I found out that the other girl had been phased out in late April-early May so I decided that I could gradually start coming back around. While I had started talking to him again, I was still very guarded and I wasn’t as open with him as I had been. Not long before I started talking to him again I had been invited to a teaching interview in the county where his parents live and I really want to teach there someday. I had been talking to his brother one afternoon mulling over whether or not I should go because I couldn’t really afford lodging and a rental car and airline tickets. His brother disappeared for a while and then came back and said that his parents said I could stay with them. I was shocked! I was under the impression that I wasn’t the most popular person around their house, but I really wanted to interview out there, so I took them up on the offer. I hadn’t told Drex about my plans to go out and I will admit that decision was mildly spiteful, but what are you gonna do? His mom came out to visit a couple of weeks later and that was actually the first time I had met her. I can’t tell you how nervous I was, but I had to keep remembering that it’s not like I was “meeting the in-laws” or whatever (oh what I silly girl am I…). I had something I had to do with his cousin while Drex’s mom was in town, so I went over and was greeted at the door by her with a ginormous hug…um, not so much what I was expecting, but it was good. If nothing else, it broke the ice for me. At one point she asked me what the dates were for my visit and I told her and then realized that I still hadn’t mentioned it to Drex. Apparently he’s not the only one who can be a self-centered jerk. Oh well, such is life.

I did end up going out for the interview and staying with his family. It was a little weird at first, but I got over that pretty quickly. I had met both of his parents, individually, but I hadn’t met his brother in person yet. He answered the door when I got there and gave me a hug. I’m not sure what it is, but apparently they’re huggers (at least his mom and his brother). I felt a little awkward just kind of chilling at Drex’s house without him there, but I think it was actually really good. I was able to interact with his family and establish myself as an individual as opposed to the girlfriend, or whatever other label I might have had. His mom was hysterical—completely open and welcoming and did what she could to make me feel at home. I had my interview and afterwards she took me around to a bunch of the schools where she knows people and introduced me to administrators and teachers. It was fun to go around with her and see how she interacts with the people she has worked with. Drex’s brother and I had a ton of fun together. We went to bookstores, out to eat, to a movie, and then he and his dad took me into the city to see the night sites. It ended up being a very fun trip and I’m glad I took the opportunity to go and spend time with Drex’s family. They’re pretty incredible people.

I graduated from BYU that spring and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. That summer was spent working my brains out and trying to figure out what God wanted me to do with my life. I had no desire to stay in Utah, but I wasn’t getting any teaching offers and I REALLY didn’t want to go live in Montana with my family *gags* so I was trying to find other options. August came and I was talking to one of my friends that I had taught with and she suggested going back to school to get an English endorsement. I hadn’t really thought about that, but it would make me significantly more marketable and it would mean that I would get to go back to school. I’m a ridiculous nerd and I actually like being in school—not so much the homework part, but the learning new things part is my favorite part. So I applied to be a Post-Baccalaureate student at BYU to do the course work for the English Teaching minor and then take the test for the endorsement.

At about this same time I went to the Temple and made a deal with God. For the record, that’s not always the smartest thing to do. I was getting really frustrated with the lack of progress in my friendship with Drex and had been praying for quite some time to be able to just let go and get over him. Now, I’m glad God didn’t answer that prayer but at the time I was getting exceedingly frustrated. I was at the Temple and had told God that I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was sick of the emotional struggle and the mental struggle and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I told Him that if Drex didn’t initiate any communication with me within like 3 days (or something ridiculous like that), then I was going to be done. I left the Temple feeling pretty good and knowing that I was on my way to getting over Drex. God likes to laugh at me. I make plans and God laughs. That night I fell asleep while watching a movie and woke up with a start because I had been waiting for a really important phone call and realized that I might have missed it while I was sleeping. I got my phone and found a text from Drex. Coincidence? Maybe, but I doubt it. I hadn’t talked to him for a few days and then he randomly texted me after I had told God that I was done if there was no communication from Drex. I will admit to being fairly ticked off at the time because I was all set to get over him and then God goes and tells me that I’m a fool and there will be no “getting over” going on. Here’s the rub though, I was stupid enough to go and make another deal with God. You’d have thought I would have learned my lesson, but not so much. This time, when I was in the Temple, I told God that if no move was made by the time I was done with my endorsement then I was completely done and I was going to move out of Utah regardless of whether or not I had a teaching job. I thought I was safe when nothing happened immediately, but little did I know what was in store.

A few weeks before school started, Drex started messaging a friend from home on facebook. To most other people the posts seemed fairly innocent, but I knew that he was going to try and pursue her when she came out for school. Unlike my reaction to his pursuit of another girl earlier that year, I was mildly entertained by this one. My prediction wasn’t confirmed for a few weeks until I was talking to Drex’s cousin and he told me that he had something to tell me. I knew he was going to tell me that Drex was pursuing this other girl. He gave me some good advice and let it go at that. When Drex’s brother found out, he was appalled again at the apparent insensitivity that he saw going on. I just shrugged it off because I knew it wouldn’t last. I didn’t disappear this time, rather I stuck around and continued my friendship with Drex hoping that I could at least maintain a friendship. Registration for winter classes came around and Drex, his brother, and I decided to take a class together. I was nervous for what could happen, but decided that it would be fun if I made it so.

Come December I was getting to the point where I was getting overworked (I had many jobs going on at once), burned out at school, and just super stressed out. Drex’s birthday came up and we decided that we were going to go see the MoTab Christmas concert up in SL. I was excited for that and had everything planned for his birthday. Then I found out that the girl he was kind of pursuing was going to come with us because she had some friends coming into town that night and they needed to be picked up at the airport. Let me say here and now, the girl he was pursuing is a very good person and I like her a lot. We’re actually friends and get along really well, so my frustration at her coming had nothing to do with her as a person. I was just frustrated that she was invading an event that I wanted to be able to spend with my best friend. His cousins and brother were coming up with us too, but that didn’t bother me. The fact that she came up made me extremely jealous. I ended up making a complete fool of myself that night because I was overstressed and overworked and underslept and I hadn’t eaten. Those are never good combinations for me and I just, well didn’t handle the situation as well as I could have. As a result of the spectacle I made of myself we ended up missing the concert which I felt really bad about. Drex and I were able to go up the next Sunday and see it, but it was still an overall awful experience.

Not long before this happened Hidden and I had become friends through an English class we were taking. He had mentioned where he served his mission and it happened to be the same mission that Drex served in. I thought that was kind of random, but didn’t really say anything more about it. Hidden and I were talking after class one day and he told me he was gay and how he had struggled a lot and something just clicked in my head. I told him that my best friend also was struggling with that (can I also mention that Drex and I hadn’t talked about his SSA for nearly a year. It was just an unspoken thing between us) and that I didn’t know what to do for him. He mentioned something else about his mission and I ventured to ask him if he knew Drex and lo, and behold, he did. Then I said that Drex was my best friend before I even thought about it and Hidden put two and two together. He gave me his email to give to Drex at that point so that they could communicate with each other. I was terrified to tell Drex that I had the address though because I had just broken a huge trust. I didn’t want Drex to think he couldn’t trust me anymore and that I was a terrible friend and all those things, so I sat on the address for a few months.

I know, I know...i pick the worst places to end off, but it's the best I can do at the moment. There is more coming, I promise.

S.

emotional roller coaster

2007-03-17T01:58:00.000-06:00

I guess you all were right, to an extent.

Today was a roller coaster of emotion, but at least a roller coaster has ups. We had a panel on Black families in my cross-cultural families class, which was very insightful - we had a girl from the Ivory Coast, a girl from Uganda, and two guys from Ghana answering questions and such. Though the teacher is boring and not too adept at what he claims to specialize in (his knowledge is good, but his common sense, for lack of a better term, leaves room for improvement), the panels we organize have been immensely educational.

So after my MFHD class I typically hang out with my friend, and Salad joins us occasionally on Fridays. We checked all his normal spots, but no luck. By this point, the rather acute heartache got the better of me and I decided to skip my philosophy class. Unless I took part in a very lively discussion, my thoughts would inevitably turn to trying to figure out how to patch things up, and I'd be useless anyway. Nine text messages, 2 emails, and 2 voicemails later (I think), my friend shows up at Salad's door for our Heroes marathon. I was immensely relieved to see him, but he seemed determined to pretend like nothing was wrong/had happened and to just watch the show. I had essentially determined that if he was going to walk in with that attitude, I would have to quietly excuse myself, go upstairs, and essentially cry myself to sleep at 5PM. Luckily I'd already expressed that to Salad, and she got him talking and explaining his position. Eventually we worked things out to the point where at least it wasn't tense and we were able to enjoy the show (9 straight episodes of Heroes like what! we'll have to finish the rest, though). I don't know where on the spectrum of angry he's at right now, but it looks like time will heal the rift. I certainly hope it will. All night long I really wanted to just hug him because I still feel so awful that everything went down the way it did, but I didn't want to mess things up any more than I already had. I guess I'll just have to be more cautious in how I approach things - I honestly don't know if I could handle another bout of emotional rejection like that. I don't generally invest too much emotion into situations or relationships, but my close friends get as much of my heart as I have to give, which puts me at risk of being very hurt. I certainly contemplated cutting off all emotion, but I think that's a swing in the wrong direction as well.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to go get me some shorts that I can enjoy wearing tomorrow. I hate shorts and Salad and I both hate shopping, but the end result might be worth it. The only shorts I have are a slew of khaki shorts that were handed down from my uncle - comfortable, but hardly stylish. We'll see if I can find anything slightly more fun.

~drex

insecurity

2007-03-16T00:20:00.000-06:00

I'm not a very insecure person. I'm typically quite sure of myself, quite confident in my abilities, quite certain that I can handle whatever life throws my way. There are a few select circumstances under which I tend to buckle more readily. The one of which I am most keenly aware is friends. My friends are few and far between, and I haven't had a guy best friend for since I moved away from New York in 2000. The last time I added a new guy friend to my list of close friends was probably sixth grade, back in 1994-95 or whenever the heck I was in sixth grade. I share this because I thought I had a guy best friend again, and it had been nice. My insecurity comes in the fact that because I hold my friends close, make few of them, and don't like people being mad at me, I'm always afraid that I'll do something to offend a friend or chase them off.

Sorta like I did last night.

I should have been more considerate, or chosen my words more carefully, or kept my mouth shut altogether. At any rate, apparently I've chased off a friend that I think I needed, and it's left me lower than I've felt in a long time. More because I don't know what I can do to patch things up or if it's even patchable than anything else. I want to play the optimist and say that it will all work itself out in the end and we'll be closer for it or some trite drivel like that, but my insecure side won't let me process things that way.

I think that's it. Not really in the mood to say anything more.

~drex

i'm a self-centered jerk sometimes, i admit it

2007-03-14T23:58:00.000-06:00

Can I start by saying that I'm loving the weather? Seriously, it's been so incredibly nice outside. I spent a nice hour of my afternoon basking in the sun, reading a book on Chinese women in traditional China, and I actually enjoyed myself. It's too bad I've been so incredibly exhausted recently or I'd be able to enjoy it more. And stay awake in my classes.

I sorta want to blogbarf about a few things that have been running through my head. After the two posts by Mormon Enigma, I have given additional thought to the concept of SSA as a proverbial 'talent.' I know that not everyone views things the way I do, but I honestly believe I've been blessed with the trial of SSA so that I can help others and gain a level of empathy that others can't reach. Couple that with some of the spiritual gifts that I have, and I'm fairly certain pursuing a career in counseling is a good move for me. Something that we can all work on (myself most DEFINITELY included) is making sure we see things through multiple perspectives before we decide on a course of action or where we want to anchor ourselves. To do otherwise increases the risk of misplaced faith, slipping off the path, or flat-out stupidity. I take little issue with people who disagree with me - though I may come across as self-righteous, that's never my intent, and as far as it goes in my mind, it's never reflective of my actual state of mind, either. It's hard when you see people you know deciding on the course of their lives after being swayed by one individual's life view, though. I dunno. I'm babbling.

I also want to apologize now, either after having messed things up or in advance of when I surely will mess things up. I am confident in my perspectives, I am confident in myself, and I am confident in my ability to work my gifts/talents in such a way that I can help others. That means that I come across strong sometimes, and despite my good intentions I will butt heads with people. I wish people could see into my heart when that happens, because I hate contention (that seems silly). I'm always well-intentioned, I just tend to come across wrong and mess things up periodically. I guess I need to work on balancing my life a bit more than I thought.

It's a really interesting predicament to be in. I'm simultaneously having some of the best and hardest days recently. Things with Salad are progressing slowly but surely. I wish I could pick up the pace, but I'm a faithful realist, and I'm content 'knowing' that it will work out but not putting a timeframe on it. At the same time, school is kicking my butt from time to time, and I seem to be offending the people I love and care about, and I feel more or less inept at being able to help them. Maybe I should be less worried about helping them and more worried about shutting up. Only that tactic hasn't worked well in my relationship with my brother. Despite our proximity and recent interactions, I think I feel farther from him than ever before. And Salad assures me that I shouldn't come out to him right now due to circumstances that she's not at liberty to share with me. *sigh* Can't life ever be straightforward?

(PS I bumped Salad's very good continued post on our history down, so don't miss it!)

~drex

Episode #2: and so it continues

2007-03-14T23:13:00.000-06:00

Before I jump back into our story I wanted to comment on today. It went fairly well until I started going to my classes and realized that while my brain was fried after Midterm-Monday, it probably wasn't terribly brilliant to take 2 days off of doing homework. That and just forgetting you have stuff due isn't ever fun either. After my classes I fell asleep on a bench on campus while I was enjoying the amazing weather and consequently my back has been growling at me since then.

American Idol was kind of disappointing tonight. I can't fathom why Sanjaya is still on there. He is not talented at all and just needs to get off the show. I'm really surprised that Haley didn't make it into the bottom 3, but oh well...it's not like either of them will make it too much further given their apparent lack of talent (in my opinion).

Ok, back to us now....
There’s not much to say about the time while Drex was gone on the mission…a lot of stuff happened that I don’t think is particularly relevant. Except I did manage to injure my back in a big way and I still suffer from it. I didn’t tell Drex about it until after I had had surgery and stuff. I did write him every week except for, like, 4…and he was pretty regular with the letters as well. There were so many times when what he wrote to me seemed like he was reading my mind and anticipating what was going on in my life. His letters got me through some pretty rough times.

When Drex got home from the mission and moved out to Utah, I’ll admit I was pretty overt in my intentions and I think I pushed him further away than I intended. I was convinced through much of his mission that he would come home and we would get married pretty quickly and that it would be happily ever after. Um, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I wanted it so badly and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t responding to me and feeling the same way. I got really frustrated and wasn’t super nice, but then I thought that if I were a bit more subtle, maybe that would help. Drex’s cousin kept trying to give me advice on how to approach the situation and what I should and shouldn’t do. It was a lot harder to follow his advice than I thought it would be and I was far from successful a lot of the time.

As I mentioned before, I screwed up my back pretty badly while Drex was on his mission and I had planned to have a second surgery the June after he got home. I was in pretty constant, excruciating pain and was looking forward to the surgery, hoping that it would eliminate that pain. I was taking classes that spring term and had arranged to take my finals early so that I could have surgery and my mom had made plans to come down and stay with me for a few days so everything was set…or so I thought. About a week before the surgery, my mom called me and told me that they (my parents) didn’t think that I should have the surgery at that point. They aren’t the biggest fans of my back surgeon given the fact that the first surgery didn’t hold. I was with Drex and his cousin when I got that phone call and I was so angry and frustrated and had a whirlwind of emotions. We were grocery shopping at the time and I had driven, so they went into the store while I tried to collect myself in the car. I was so upset that I couldn’t calm down at that point. When they came out of the store I stormed out of the car and literally chucked my keys at Drex and yelled, “YOU DRIVE HOME!” and fully intended on walking the 2+ miles back to my apartment by myself. Drex and his cousin managed to stop me on the side of the road not more than 100 yards from the store and his cousin walked with me down the street to where Drex had parked my car. When we got there, Drex put his arms around me and just let me bawl everything out for at least 10 minutes. I have no idea what was going through his head at that point, but I’m willing to bet that he was kind of worried that I was going to turn into Psycho. He has no idea how much it meant to me that he responded to my frustration and anger by just holding me and letting me cry. After that fun little incident, I was a little wary of him and I think he was trying to be really careful around me as well.

That next fall I started teaching at an Alternative High School for my internship and it was an incredibly rough experience for the first semester. I spent a lot of time venting and crying and feeling completely inadequate. Mostly I vented to Drex because his cousins avoided me. They don’t deal well with emotional beings and I needed emotional support, so I turned to Drex. That November his cousin wrote me an email telling that he couldn’t handle me and didn’t really want to be around me until I changed. That hit me really hard and completely out of the blue. I had no idea what to do because they were my best friends and they all live together and I can’t really avoid one without avoiding them all. It was difficult, but we ended up patching things up. The second semester of teaching ended up going much more smoothly with fewer emotional break downs.

Christmas came and went and then February hit. Historically February is a terrible month for me. I get really sick every year (since my freshman year of high school), like nigh unto death sick. I managed to get sick at the beginning of the month and then over President’s Day weekend my back went into severe spasms and Drex’s cousin took me to the ER to get meds and general relief. We all had Monday off to observe President’s Day and Drex called me to invite me over for dinner. He and his cousin came to pick me up since I was heavily drugged for the spasms. Drex ended up driving me home later that night and as he tried to drop me off, he told me that he was going to try dating someone else and that they had gone on their first date the previous Friday. I was stunned. I had no response. Drex decided to pull into my parking garage and we sat there. I was hurt and dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember saying a whole lot, but I do remember what he said. He looked at me and said, “I’ve tried so hard to fall in love with you, but I can’t. I’m not saying it will never happen, but I just can’t do it right now.” Then there was a pretty big lull in the conversation. After a few minutes I looked at him and said, “You know, I love you more than I’ve ever loved any one before. We connect on such a ridiculously deep level, sometimes it’s scary. I guess I just don’t really know what else to say.” Again there was a long pause in the conversation. He kept looking at me like he wanted to tell me something but kept chickening out. In a slightly pouty and defensive, yet still loving voice I said, “what?” He took a deep breath and said, “Most people only know about 5% of me. The other 90% I keep to myself.” I was puzzled by that statement, but pushed him for more of an explanation with, “Ok, well, what’s the other 90%?” More hemming and hawing ensued until I saw a tear escape his eye and then he said, “I’m more attracted to guys than girls.” He didn’t look at me after he said that but sat there with his eyes closed and tears streaming down his face. After a moment of contemplation (I was amazed that I didn’t feel shocked, or stunned, or appalled, or any of the feelings that I felt I should have been feeling. Rather I felt my love for him intensify exponentially. I can’t explain it and I don’t know as I would if I could. It was a very revelatory moment for me) I looked at him and said, “Do you think that changes how I feel about you?” After I told him that I reached across the seat and put my arms around him. He buried his face in my shoulder and we sat like that for a few minutes. Then he collected himself and helped me out of the car and up to my apartment (I was still in pretty intense pain from the spasms in my back). He hugged me at my door and I went into my apartment still stunned. My roommate knew something was up and came and sat by me. It was so hard not to tell her, but I couldn’t fathom how much trust it took for Drex to tell me something so personal, so I told her I would be fine and retreated to my room to ponder on the events of the night. I shed numerous tears praying for guidance and direction and finally settled on writing Drex an email. I told him that I loved him dearly and that I would support him no matter what. Then I told him that I wouldn’t be coming around much because of his decision to pursue a relationship with a different girl. I didn’t tell him at the time, but I was devastated. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him knowing that he was with someone else. At the end of the email I quoted some lyrics from Wicked: The Musical. Pretty much it was the entirety of the song “For Good.” For those of you who haven’t heard the music I say “sssshhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn.” You really should go check it out. Anyway, for better or worse, I chose to kind of drop off the face of the planet until the “other girl” disappeared.

The next day I got a call from Drex’s brother who I had become pretty good friends with over the previous 4 years. He said that he had heard what happened and wanted to know if I wanted to talk. I told him that I would be fine, but one of the problems with becoming really good friends with someone is that they can always tell when you’re lying, even over the phone. He started crying before I even said something and was upset that “[Drex] could do something like that to me. He’s such an idiot!” I was touched that I had made such and impression on his younger brother. It’s especially interesting when you consider that he and I hadn’t met face to face at that point. Our entire friendship had been cultivated online. Apparently the other cousins were also kind of appalled that Drex would even contemplate dating someone else. I just did my best to avoid the whole situation.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t realize how potentially devastating my reaction would be to Drex. I dropped off the face of the earth in an effort to protect myself from being hurt by the fact that he wasn’t dating me, but I didn’t take into account the fact that he would wonder if I dropped off because he told me about his SSA. In my defense, he hit me with both situations and I did tell him that I wasn’t going to come around because of the dating thing, nevertheless, it was still a stupid thing to do.

During my self-imposed exile I took the time to do further research on SSA. I read almost everything I could get my hands on: General Conference talks, websites, blogs (which I admit I really wasn’t impressed with at the time), The Miracle of Forgiveness, Our Search for Happiness, and myriad other things. Looking back now I realize that I had barely scratched the surface, but I was making an effort to try and better understand what my best friend was facing and how best to support him.

And as with last night, there's still more to go. I haven't gotten as far with the next installment so it might take a few days to get more.

meeting with the bishop

2007-03-14T00:12:00.000-06:00

It's been an interesting day, to be sure. Started off the day bailing out my brother, who had a dentist's appointment but failed to nail down a way to get to the dentist's office. Needless to say, I was 20 minutes late to work and had to drive Salad's car home, and my brother had to go pick her up from the office when she was done with work. It was pretty silly. Had my voice lesson today, as well as rehearsal for the men's ensemble I'm in. Let me tell you - music is SO therapeutic for me, and not being in Men's Chorus this year (I was in it for two and a half years before) has been really sad for me, but it didn't fit my schedule and I'm kinda glad because it would have added almost as much stress as it expunged.

So Salad and I went in to talk with my bishop tonight. I have to preface this by saying that I love my bishop and trust him completely. He's a very spiritually in-touch person, he's very open, I love his philosophy on running the ward (we're ecclesiastical leaders, not matchmakers!), and he's not afraid to admit when he doesn't understand something. Tonight was one of those times he didn't understand, and he was very open about it. It's apparent that he's had people from the ward talk with him about SSA issues in the past, but that he had little experience with it and hadn't really 'done his homework,' so to speak. When I told him I had dealt with same-sex attraction for a long time, he was floored. He masked it relatively well, but he was flabbergasted. I don't think it helped that Salad was in the room with us, or that I was his executive secretary for a year or so, or that I've been such an upstanding member of the ward. I think in his mind gay people are supposed to be obvious about it and have some sort of distinguishing characteristic that makes it obvious for everyone else to identify. I guess I never displayed that particular marker.

At any rate, he tried really hard to keep a grip on the situation and spouted off some questions and some advice, but I was really there for the blessing. I have my situation under control, I'm not dealing with depression or anxiety stemming from my 'issues,' I haven't committed any grevious sins, I maintain a gospel perspective about the way I approach my life and my trials...I just wanted some insight as to what God wanted me to do/had in store for me/whatever He felt like sharing through an ordained conduit.

The blessing was nice.

Nice isn't the best adjective, though. I'll admit it, I was hoping for something a little more earth-shaking than what I got, but my expectations weren't ridiculous. I mostly wanted clarity, and I didn't really gain much. Some of the things that were said really spoke to me and I feel like overall it was a good experience and I needed to go through it. However, there were some aspects of the experience that didn't work out quite so well. Those of you priesthood holders out there know that sometimes while you're giving a blessing, there's a pause between bouts of inspiration. Some people just stand there silently, waiting for the promptings to come, and some people fill the void with things that they think the person wants/needs to hear. About 50% of the blessing was vamping. I don't fault my bishop for it, because I've known a lot of people who've vamped in blessing like that. I've been blessed with a fairly keen sensitivity to the Spirit if I'm living my life right, though, and I could tell when he was vamping. Oh, well. I got some of the blessing that I was looking for.

I will admit, though, that I was a little put off or even mildly offended that at the end (after a great and much more natural blessing given to Salad) the bishop expressed that he wanted to talk with me every couple of weeks. That privilege is generally reserved for people on the edge or who are actively dealing with a major sin or something. Not someone who's living his life about as righteously as he ever has since his mission, who really has control over his temptations and trials, and came to gain clarity on what God willed. Still, I love the man and really enjoy talking with him, so it won't be a chore or anything. It just kinda hurt that his lack of understanding runs so deep, I guess. I fully intend to help him understand a little bit more, and to offer to talk with anyone who comes through his office that's dealing with the same thing. We'll see if he thinks that I'm just trying to find a boyfriend or something. Oi. The other comfort I have is that my personal scripture study and personal prayer has been pretty powerful, and the inspiration I've received is keeping me aware of my path almost as well as a blessing could.

If you missed it, go down and read Salad's latest post. She's working on outlining our history to this point. It will help you understand where we're coming from, though I'll have to fill in gaps that show my side of the story. So far she's gotten it right. ;)

~drex

Episode #1: [insert catchy title here]

2007-03-13T23:56:00.000-06:00

I was going to try and do this all in one post, but it’s turning out to be way longer than I anticipated…so here’s installment #1 to be continued tomorrow night…

This is going to be the post of all posts…at least for me, but before I dive into the back story and everything that implies, I have a few other comments to make.

We went and talked to Drex’s bishop tonight and it was really good. I didn’t say much, Drex talked the whole time (which is as it should have been), but I was able to get a blessing from the bishop and I was very much intrigued by the fact that much of what he said was lifted directly from my patriarchal blessing. It was a great strength to me and I hope I can remember what he said and keep on keepin’ on.

Yesterday was an academic day from hell, but my midterms and big papers are done for the moment and I can breathe for a few days before the barrage starts again, hence the post.

The moment you’ve been waiting for: the story of us...(Drex will most likely be appalled at the detail I remember ;) )
So we started almost 5 years ago when I was a freshman at BYU and he a sophomore. The first time I ever saw him was a little awkward for me. It was my first week in the dorms and I had come into my dorm after midnight on a Friday and he was sitting there talking to one of my roommates and another friend. Keep in mind that I didn’t know that BYU curfew was extended on Friday nights, so I was slightly appalled that he was there, but one of my other roommates quickly quelled my fears and I went to bed.

That first impression kind of made me feel intimidated after that because I felt kind of stupid for freaking out. Drex, his cousin, and two of my roommates started a scripture study group in the first couple weeks of school and I really wanted to be a part of it, but was too intimidated to ask if I could join in. Eventually my roommate invited me to join in with them and that’s pretty much where the friendship got its start.

Bit of an aside…keep in mind that Drex had dated my roommate (who he refers to as Psycho) the previous year and she was still chasing him while he was completely disinterested and occasionally annoyed by her behavior.

So I start developing a pretty big crush on Drex, but not wanting to cross lines with my roommate I just kind of kept it on friendship level for a while and that was my plan…until Preference (BYU girl’s choice dance) comes along and Psycho convinces me to ask Drex and that she’s totally fine with it. I waffled for a few days, but then decided to go for it. He said yes after I filled his dorm room with balloons and it was pretty much over after that for me.

We started spending ridiculous amounts of time together and discovered that we were essentially the same person. At that point I think it was more on a superficial level, but I think deep down we knew it went deeper. We struck up a pretty tight friendship in pretty short time. And as Drex has said before, he doesn’t make friends super easily…and I don’t either. Though neither of us acknowledged it out loud at that time, we were best friends and would continue that friendship through his mission.

My roommate (aka Psycho) really did go psycho right before Christmas. She was jealous that I was spending so much time with Drex and his cousin and told me that they were no longer welcome at our house. Yeah, that didn’t last for long. I got really angry and pretty much decided that she was not going to dictate anything for me.

The semester ended and I realized that Drex was going on his mission and it scared me because I didn’t want our friendship to end. We were leaving to go home on the same day, but I was leaving before he was, so he came down to say goodbye to me and drop some stuff off for me to store while he was on the mission. My feelings didn’t hit me until I got off the plane and saw my parents. I walked into my mother’s arms in tears, not because I was excited to see them, but because I had said goodbye to my best friend and I didn’t know if I was going to see him again. I know it sounds really melodramatic, but the feelings were real.

He went into the MTC at the end of January and I was able to go to the MTC with him and literally send him off. It was hard, but I managed not to cry (I get points for that one). Three days later I was smacked in the face with the reality of how long 2 years is and ended up bawling on the phone to my mom for a while. Then I decided to pick myself up and get through the next 2 years.

TO BE CONTINUED...

S.

historical: first inklings

2007-03-13T00:03:00.000-06:00

First off, the day. I actually had a really good day once it got going. Getting two and a half hours of sleep doesn't make for the best start to the day, but work was good and then I got to school. Had a midterm in my cross-cultural family class, which I dozed off in. I swear, that class kills me. I dozed off 3 times during the first test earlier in the semester. This time wasn't quite so bad, but ugh. Anyway, finished pretty fast and ran off to find Hidden. We hung out for a while, basking in the sun, and then Salad skipped her class to join us and we all stayed out in the sun for almost an hour and a half. It was awesome. I skipped the rest of my classes for the day so I could take a much-needed nap. Salad, Hidden and I skipped around the mall for a while then came back and mostly just vegged and ate dinner. Probably one of the most laid-back, fun evenings I've had in a while, and very appreciated. I don't know how I'd deal with life and the stresses I've got if it weren't for the unwavering support and love of Salad and the aid of good friends. Or friend, since that's about where I'm at these days. :P

Before I get into the first of my 'historical' posts, I just want to emphasize what a great blessing good friends are. I don't make good friends easily, because I'm fairly insular and introverted, and if I sense any untrustworthiness or flightiness, I'm slow to trust. It's been immensely beneficial to have trusted friends whom I can talk with, and it's really reminded me that I have to make sure I'm the type of person people can trust as a friend, so I can be that pillar of strength if the need arises.

Okay, so I intend on having a series of 'historical' posts - basically blasts from my past giving insight into who I am. I've never been much of a journal-er. Blogs, online journals, and the like are typically more cathartic for me because I crave the feedback, but there were the situations where my journal was just the escape I needed. I'm sure all you Mohos out there (I agree with whoever said that reminds them of a sickly sweet treat, but it's a good descriptive term) who kept journals have looked back and seen the tell-tale signs. Some of my tell-tale signs are quite pronounced, in part because I've always been fairly honest with myself and came to terms with my SSA early on in my high school years.

The earliest, most vivid memory I have of SSA happened after I moved in the middle of third grade. I was not too much older than 8. We moved to a new state, and I started at a new school. There was a boy that I became friends with not too long thereafter, and once while running around playing tag during recess, I had the thought pop in to my head "I really want to kiss him." Considering we were all in the phase of kissing-is-gross, that was a really weird thought, and I dismissed it.

The next strong indication of what I would be dealing with came in sixth grade. Multiple elementary schools funnelled into one middle school, and we were put with kids from different areas that we hadn't met. One of those new kids was another member of the church (this was upstate New York, so members were few and far between) from across town that I developed a crush on. In fact, that crush continues to this day, and if I see him on campus (he's married now) I still get a little flutter inside. Awkward. Anyway, here's an entry from my journal, dated Sunday, August 11, 1996:

"Yesterday I got back from an international camp near Watertown. I had a strange feeling when I helped Tyler [name changed] stay above water in the watermelon sprawl [we were chasing a buttered-up watermelon in knee-deep water on the side of a lake, and Tyler was wrestling with the watermelon and a bunch of guys while I made sure he didn't drown], and I can't explain it, but I've felt it before."

Nearly every entry from that point onward documents whether I'd felt that recently, and under what circumstances it would occur. Eventually I figured out that I was experiencing crushes, but it took a while. Looking back, I wish I'd kept a better journal, but what I've got provides some fairly decent insight into how the journey has been. Some of it is still only floating around in my head, so I hope I'll be able to get it down in here. We'll see how brutally honest I can be about myself.

~drex

just a quick post

2007-03-12T01:20:00.000-06:00

It's getting kinda late and I'm not even really close to getting my assignment done, and it's due tomorrow. Plus I'm studying and prepping for a midterm that I have to take tomorrow afternoon in another class, so I'm going to keep this a brief overview of my day.

First off, I suppose, is that I didn't get to talk to my bishop. The time he had available didn't work for me and I didn't get the voicemail from the executive secretary until too late. The after church the bishop was swamped with ecclesiastical endorsement interviews. I'm going to try to make it over to talk with him between the end of my class and the beginning of my choir rehearsal on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to it.

Salad and I went to her ward for sacrament meeting, then boogied over to my ward for my sacrament meeting. Both meetings were pretty good with a few boring spots. Better than some other recent meetings, for sure.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep so I can wake up early to get this stupid assignment done. I'm planning an interesting post when I have time for it, and it looks like tomorrow might be the day, so keep an eye out. I want to thank those of you who've commented on this blog so far - it's great to be able to jump into a new community of individuals and be accepted into the circle so readily. Some of the ideas brought up in discussion have really sparked some lines of thought for me, as well. I'm liking the intellectual/emotional stimulation.

~drex

joseph smith movie is so sad

2007-03-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

I'm tired to the point of almost falling over right now, so I'm going to keep this brief and without major aside. Salad had a job interview for a teaching position this morning, so we went up and I worked on homework in the car while she was interviewing. Afterwards we went to lunch, then headed up to Salt Lake to watch the Joseph Smith movie. Can I just say...I consider myself a fairly sensitive guy, but I don't often cry in movies. This movie is three for three in making me bawl, though. Not only does it have emotionally manipulative down, but there's honestly a lot of Spirit in it and a lot of power that transcends mere emotion. I love the movie. It's sad, but so sweet.

I'm really looking forward to talking with my bishop tomorrow. He's a fantastic guy that I trust completely. I've been in this ward for two years, and my cousins have been here for over three. Our bishop is like family. Salad and I are both going to go talk with him and let him know our situation, and I really want a priesthood blessing from a person who knows the story and what's going on, and who can hopefully be a conduit for God to directly address what I've been going through.

And now I really am literally too tired to keep my eyes open. While I'm typing. It's to the level of ridiculous, which means I have to shelf my desire to keep posting about interesting things and give it up for some future time.

~drex

desperate to catch up

2007-03-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a complete slacker and I feel like I'm falling way behind. There are so many things to say and I'm going to say them all soon. Midterms and papers are currently eating my face, but as soon as I have a free second there's going to be a major blog dump. Look forward to it ;) Here's a preview: back story on us, my side of Drex's coming out to me and his parents, my thoughts and feelings on some of the issues that he has touched on (ie our future relationship etc.) and I'm sure there will be much more. I thought I should just make it clear that I'm not dead yet, although this weekend may end up killing me...we shall see. Anyway, be excited about the impending post that I'll tentatively schedule for sometime early next week...after midterms.

S.

pieces of an ideal future

2007-03-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

I have to start out by saying that until this afternoon, it had been FAR too long since I'd had sushi. Far too long. Provo has this fantastic all-you-can-eat sushi place called Asuka (it's next to the Olive Garden by the Movies 8), and we typically hit it up once every two months. I guess it's only been somewhere between 3 and 4 months since we last went, but I've been craving the stuff for a while now. Gorging myself on blessed bundles of rice and seaweed made my day. =D

Checked out The Illusionist tonight. Salad borrowed the DVD from one of her coworkers. It was pretty good - the feel of the film was quite unique, and the cinematography was strong. I have to say that I expected most of what happened at the end right from the start. I dunno, maybe I've seen too many movies, but the end seemed pretty obvious - it was just the minutae of getting there that was mildly fuzzy. Oh well. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I recommend it.

Last night I checked out the report of the Evergreen conference from last year. I have to say that overall I really wasn't impressed. Maybe they just need an editor for their newsletters that can put the right kind of spin on what they say, but a lot of the statements made in there honestly offended me, if only mildly. Some of the time it was just poor word choice, but some of the time it's a lack of understanding of how I, at least, care to go about 'dealing with' SSA. The address by Elder Pinegar was okay, though, and the Chairman's Message at the end seemed pretty spot-on for the most part. I dunno. It seems like though they're shooting for a broader perspective on the issues, they're not thinking broad enough. I'll keep looking into the organization and what they stand for, but it will be with a more wary eye than I had anticipated using before.

Mormon Enigma commented on my last blog post, and I want to post in response to that. He wrote:

Wow! How do you envision yourself 5 years from now? You and salad married, maybe a child or two, and everyone in your ward knows you're gay? What about when your children are a bit older? I can envision the playground conversation:

"my dad's a policeman",
"my dad works for a bank",
"my dad's gay - he likes guys"

Salad and I haven't discussed this (although I'm sensing it might come up sooner rather than later, now :P), but here're my thoughts. Part of the issue is that if everything goes according to my intended plan, part of my future will be spent counseling with youth (probably high school to college age) who struggle with SSA in the Church. In order to do that kind of counseling in the way that I envision it, I have to be out and honest about who I am - both to make sure that anyone connected is aware of where I stand, and to assure those I work with that I have at least some understanding of where they're coming from. Plus there's the fact that SSA is a part of who I am, for sure, but it doesn't define me. It's not the first thing that comes to mind when someone asks who I am. Heck, ethnicity pops into my head first, and I'm born and raised in the States. There's also the fact that who I am beyond all else is a child of God who's found His true church on the earth, and I don't want anything to jeopardize that - I'll try to remember to post a more in-depth expose' on how deep my commitment to the Church runs, but let's just say that Satan's going to have to get some pretty heavy leverage to knock me off this ship. And because of my personality and the way I interact with people, I can generally get them to understand my worldview and perspective, so at least they don't jump down my throat. So do I see myself out to everyone around me? Yeah. I'm almost there now, after just a few weeks - after telling Salad and my parents, there's not really anyone whose opinion would effect me enough to throw me into bouts of depression or anything like that. If people find out about me now, I'm okay with it.

The kids thing is a bit more complicated, because I can see some serious issues stemming from it. It bears a lot of thinking about, because kids don't understand wider perspectives when they're really young. I think I'll have to do a lot more research on child development and the like before I come to my own conclusion about that.

my coming out experience

2007-03-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

Well, my friend Hidden warned me that integration into the Mohosphere would be quick. :D Hello to all you people randomly dropping in! I shake you warmly by the hand, Willy Wonka-style. I've had a request by someone close to me that I unlink a few things, and other requests to beef up my profile a bit, so I'll be getting on that after this entry gets done.

I finally caught up on some sleep today. Other than that the day was mostly uneventful. Class, work, class, psych stats test (ugh), wretched movie. Scripture study tonight, as Salad mentioned, was very fun, and fairly insightful. I picture Lehi getting ticked off with the river, calling it Laman, then coming up with some warm and fuzzy explanation why when he's confronted on it (no, that's probably not how it happened, but it's funny to contemplate). Then there was "O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running into the fountain of all righteousness!" (1 Ne 2:10) Can you not picture Laman running headfirst into the side of a fountain over and over again? Maybe I was just really tired.

I've been asked to share my coming-out experience. I've been planning to do so, but it's a potentially long story, and I'm potentially long-winded, so you'll have to bear with me. Now that I've told my parents, I'm more or less comfortable with anyone else finding out. I have planned to be completely out for a while now, and with the perspective I am taking into and out of this, I see little reason for people to freak out at me. I'm sure it will happen at some point, but it hasn't happened yet, so the bubble hasn't burst. So anyway, a few days after telling my parents (I came out to them almost two weeks ago) I made sure to record down my feelings about the weekend, to make sure I wouldn't forget. I'll copy some of that (long) entry here:

"After pictures Salad and I drove in my car back to [my parents'] hotel. I told Salad that I wanted to come out to my parents sometime while they were in town. It’s been a desire that’s hit me probably the last 3 times I’ve spent time with them, and it seemed like it would be right, especially in the context of dating Salad. Salad obviously offered as much support as she could give, and I kept thinking about it.

"Before [my brother] and I left to get the food, I told mom and dad that I wanted to talk to them alone at some point while they were visiting. That time came later Saturday evening. We sent Bob home with Salad’s car and orders to meet at our place in the morning, and the kids went to bed, leaving mom, dad, Salad and me. My heart was pounding a thousand times a minute, and Salad was extremely supportive, leaning on me and wrapping her arms around my middle. She was a huge help in getting me to talk. So we sat down, and I was finally able to come out and tell them about my same-sex attraction. It was a nerve-wracking experience, because despite my belief that they’d be understanding, there was always that slim chance that they wouldn’t; I also didn’t know just how well they’d end up taking it, despite my belief in their unconditional love. Mom, always the talker, talked about having lesbian friends who chose the lifestyle, which worried me a bit because I never chose this. She seemed to understand my explanation of how I see things, though, and eventually was more openly supportive of me. Dad didn’t say much, though love always radiated from his eyes, but I must admit that his silence made me very nervous at times. Ultimately he was also very supportive and understanding, and while they both expressed concern for the path I have to travel and the fact that they’d be disappointed if I let it hurt my foundation in the gospel, the fact that I view it all from a gospel perspective won out and they understood me. Having that out in the open has been a great relief to me.

"I had texted Hidden before I talked with mom and dad, to let him know I was planning on talking about it that day if I could get them alone. That was partially because if I had to report to him, I figured I’d get it done. When the night was done (after 1AM), I texted him to let him know that it went well.

"So here I am now....Mom and dad know about my homosexuality, Salad and I are closer than we’ve ever been and I’m seriously contemplating engagement. I want to take it slow, so it won’t happen anytime too soon, but the cards are on the table and I know it’s a distinct possibility. Sometimes I wonder if we weren’t supposed to hook up until now because we would have moved too fast into something we weren’t ready for at the time. I think I’m getting to the point where I could be ready for it. I have to wonder when it’ll click for me, but so far it’s falling into place. I’ve never felt more comfortable, more loved, more safe, and more free in my life. I can see myself living with Salad for the rest of my life. I can’t see life without her – but that’s what I thought about Panda and Psycho before, and we’ve grown apart. It’s not love yet, but I think it’s getting there. I’m just very glad that we’re so open with each other, and that we talk about things. It’s been wonderful, and I hope it only gets better."

~drex

just a dip in the pond

2007-03-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, well Drex has posted thrice and I have made a relatively poor showing—in my defense, I’ve only been a part of the blog since last night. I think that buys me a little forgiveness :P

My posts will mostly likely be significantly less in number as I’m not a very good journal writer and by the time I get around to even thinking about it, I’m already in bed nodding off to whatever brain candy happens to follow my scripture study.

Speaking of scripture study, we had our second session tonight which ended up being quite a bit more rowdy than last night, but we still felt “uplifted and edified.” We were reading about how Lehi names the river and the valley after Laman and Lemuel and laughed at the wording and some of the mental images that came as a result of the fact that we haven’t gotten very much sleep in the last…too long to even think about. We also discussed the idea that “dwelling in a tent” can be synonymous with communing with God. I’d never thought of it in that vein before, but it makes complete sense. Studying the scriptures with someone, not your family, who you deeply care about is an amazing experience and one I recommend to all.

Drex, his brother, and I are all taking a class in Asian history together and we had to watch this movie for it tonight. Pretty much I’m never going to get those 3 hours back. The last line of the movie was “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!” which is exactly what I felt like screaming when it was over. It was completely pointless and I have no idea why Murdock’s daughter thinks it’s so great.

I’m not as cool and insightful as Drex, but give me time and sleep and I’m sure I can come up with some worthwhile things to say. I also have comments I want to add about a few of his posts, but I’m far too incoherent to make them now—I’ll save them for the next post.

god networks

2007-03-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

A long and exhausting day punctuated by some brilliant flashes of light. Work was work, but my cross-cultural families class was not typical fare. We had a panel of two individuals from the Middle East - a Greek Orthodox guy from Jordan and a Sunni Muslim gal from Egypt. I don't have much respect for my teacher in terms of understanding culture and knowing how to phrase probing questions, but the panel was fantastic. I learned a lot from the answers they gave for our many questions, and while I realized I didn't understand the Islamic viewpoint, it was made abundantly clear how much I don't know. American Idol was really good, and Melinda Doolittle was AMAZING, as always. I would seriously buy her CD right now, and as soon as her eventual CD comes out, I will buy it the first day. Speaking of which, Elliott Yamin's first CD comes out on the 20th of this month....

Salad and I had our first scripture study session tonight. We're reading through the Book of Mormon, and I, at least, am focusing on highlighting and studying verses focusing on covenants and obedience. In my personal study I'm working on language and prayer, so it's looking to be pretty fun. We had an interesting time looking into what "overcome by the Spirit" means. We came to the conclusion (based mostly on reading from the footnotes for that particular phrase) that much of the time being overcome by the Spirit is an experience attached to being transfigured in order to see the face of God. Such is the case with Daniel, Moses, and Lehi. Other times we felt are likely just very spiritually-charged experiences that leave you feeling drained afterwards. I suppose it's possible that Ammon was so in-tune with the Spirit that meeting his brethren caused a transfigurative experience, but I doubt it.

So I've decided that God's a pretty smart guy (this in reference to the title of this entry). One of the things that Salad and I were marvelling over yesterday, and that I've continued to ponder since, is how intricately woven the web of our lives is, and just how much God sees and orchestrates ahead of time. It's testimony to me when I see how so many lines have come together right now, and to see the way that things are playing out. Seriously, looking at my life and the people and situations that are falling into it right now, you'd think that I am the main character in an exceedingly complex and coincidence-ridden novel. The timing is perfect - and here's a basic timeline:

Novemberish 2005, I decide to pursue someone other than Salad, leading to me coming out to her. From that point on, Salad does research into SSA, trying to understand everything. Over the summer of 2006, I finally get the answer of what I should study in school - psychology, with the express impression that I will be doing something to help fellow gay members of the church understand what they're feeling and how they can survive in what seems like an impossible condition to deal with. Then recently: Salad makes a deal with God - nothing's holding her here, so why stick around? Out of the blue, I tell Salad I want to give our relationship a shot - it felt right. Shortly thereafter, Salad gives me Hidden's email address, and we get together and talk. Hidden and I knew each other superficially from the mission, but aside from the casual greeting in the hallways of the JFSB and waving during Men's Chorus concerts, had little interaction. Hidden and I become instant friends, and I quickly become comfortable talking about things that I've understood about myself for years. Then my parents are in town for Joe's wedding, creating the opportune moment to come out to them. I decide to take it, enhancing my comfort level and opening up a new level of communication. Meanwhile Mulan is having some issues of her own, because a friend has come out to her. Just as Salad's getting pretty tired of not having anyone who can relate to her, Mulan tells her what's going on. Salad and I talk, I talk to Mulan that night and come out to her, and offer whatever meager suggestions, advice, and insight I can. Now Salad and Mulan each have someone with whom they can talk about the unique issues they face. Honestly, everything's falling into place in such an organized way - there's no doubt there's a force behind it. And I don't doubt that that force is God. It's nice to realize that I'm doing the right thing, and I have been so reassured by the Spirit recently. There's no silence from the heavens for me right now - I haven't felt the Spirit this often since the mission. It's a wonderfully liberating experience.

gospel perspective

2007-03-07T01:59:00.000-07:00

It was a long day. Operating on less than three hours of sleep made things interesting, and the way the night is looking now I might not be in much of a better position tomorrow. I did get my history midterm finished, I had a productive voice lesson and an even more productive choir rehearsal, I hung out with Salad, Bob, Mulan, Judith, Romulus, and Remus (gosh I love coming up with pseudonyms =D), and Salad and I had a nice, long talk. About two hours long, and it had to happen in the car because it was too late to happen in one of our apartments. It was a good discussion, though, and was beneficial for both of us.

So I've found myself talking about gospel perspective a lot. I think it's the main thing that people lack when they become disenchanted with the church and when they choose to do things contrary to God's will. Part of who I am is that everything I do is done with the gospel in mind. Even when I do something wrong, it is knowing that there will be inevitable consequences for my actions. The gospel allows us to glimpse the eventual end of things. How much easier is it to deal with mortal life when you can honestly keep in your mind's eye the prospect of eternal life? Mortal life is insignificant when compared to the vast course that our eternal lives can take. Things we deal with in this life can be horrible, can be difficult, can be debilitating, and can just plain suck - but a gospel perspective allows us to see past it all. Gospel perspective helps us to see through the lies of the adversary as he attempts to subdue us. It helps us to push through temptation and reach towards righteous goals. It keeps us on the path that God has laid out for us. Gospel perspective is what keeps me safe day to day.

It hurts so much to see people struggling through hard times in life without maintaining a gospel perspective. God loves us and wants us to be happy and to fulfill the measure of our creation.

...with great mercies will I gather thee....with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord they Redeemer....For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.
3 Nephi 22:7-10

How long can rolling waters remain impure? What power shall stay the heavens? As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in it decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints.
D&C 121:33

and so it begins

2007-03-06T02:36:00.001-07:00

I'm wondering if perhaps blogging would be a good outlet for some of my feelings. It's an interesting conundrum, because at one point I considered myself a decent writer. Those days have since passed, but I still enjoy the act of writing and getting my ideas out of my head and down somewhere more concrete. Helps me sort them out and figure out what's actually happening to me instead of just hypothesizing.

Then there's the fact that my journal-keeping has been sporadic at best, and non-existant at worst. We're definitely on the non-existant side right now, though I did write a long journal entry for memories' sake last week. I'll have to network out a bit to provide myself some outside source of motivation to get things written down. For some reason that tends to keep me going.

As this is my first entry, it will be a bit out of order with no backstory, but here's the thrust of what happened today. Omitting all boring details of everyday life, Heroes was fantastic despite the horrible cliffhanger and being informed that we have to wait until late April to watch more. The big stuff happened late tonight. Salad got to work, got online, and let me know that Mulan's friend also deals with SSA, and that Mulan's been researching. It seemed right to go talk to her tonight (and the Spirit confirmed it), so I went down and we talked for a while. About an hour and a half, actually. It was a good talk, and it helped me put some things into perspective. I hope it leads to additional talks in the future, because I feed off of interactions like that, where I can be myself and help someone at the same time. The give-and-take that happens calms me down, helps me know that I'm where I need to be, and gives me a healthy feeling of self-importance and self-worth that carries me through the more troublesome times that surely crop up.

It's times like this that I hope I can find the opportunity in life to be a counselor for youths dealing with SSA. I feel like I could be a great help to many, providing a dash of outside perspective and an understanding ear to people who feel like they have no where to turn and no where to go. It's a sad and lonely road for far too many of us, and I'm not sure that the whole road has to be that way. There are assuredly some stretches which must be traversed with only God by our side, but much of the way can be walked with friends and family supporting and encouraging us, relieving our burdens and reaching out to help when we need it. Too many have fallen off the path because they have attempted it alone. The gospel teaches us that we never need be alone. Even when performing individual ordinances for ourselves there are others involved in guiding our way - the comforting arms of the priesthood holder performing the baptism, the circle of priesthood holders bestowing the gift of the Holy Ghost, the escort guiding the way through the endowment ceremony, and ultimately, for those lucky enough to experience it, kneeling across an altar with one's soon-to-be-spouse in the sealing ceremony - every step is accompanied. Trodden alone (except for the sealing), but accompanied. Why do we barricade ourselves into our fortresses of self-doubt and pity, when we could be enjoying life with our friends? Sometimes I forget.