true to your 'self'

Time for a quick post, then bed. My head is throbbing - leftovers from being sick - and my coughing picks up quite a bit when it gets late, for whatever reason. Coughing and headaches don't mix well. For the day, as Salad mentioned, Hidden and Stephen came over. What she didn't mention is that we whipped up some fantastic macaroni and cheese using 5 different kinds of cheese. Lots of leftovers for snacking during conference. =D And the commenting on random cute guys was fun, at least for me. I'm fairly secure in my just-looking-mode, so it's just a fun time more than anything else, and really allows a different level of getting to know your friends. :P

So in my philosophy class today we continued our line of thought about the real 'self' versus the walls/masks/fears/coping mechanisms etc that we allow to dictate how we interact with others. Today much of the focus was on how to get through the mire of junk we put around ourselves. If our real 'self' is immutable and happy, and I am my real 'self,' then no external force can affect my internal happiness - but how do I overcome those masks, insecurities, avoidances, etc. that hold me bound? It's a complex question. I'm of the opinion that since each of our 'selves' are unique, and because each of our barriers are unique, that our methods of dispelling those false-selves are going to be different. Everyone has their own path to walk.

A lot of things came up - repeated choices becoming habit and morphing into character, facing our barriers down, coming up with challenges to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, therapy, prayer, recognizing our own inborn value, continued trying and being committed to a goal, giving up self and trusting something else, and service made our list on the board. For me, a part of me knows who my real 'self' is, but one of the most effective ways for me to find my true 'self' is by identifying my barriers and walls and those parts of myself I consider 'fake' and figuring out how to get rid of them. For example, my introversion got on my nerves for a while, so I decided I was going to force myself out of my shell and get to some activities and put myself out there a little bit more. That one wasn't too difficult for me, and it was mostly successful. Sure I'm fairly introverted still, but I know I can break out when I want to, and right now I'm okay with where I am.

I also got to thinking about whether I am being my true 'self' by denying my passions and pursuing a heterosexual relationship. The answer for me is a resounding yes. My self is a child of God that wants desperately to return to His presence and to inherit eternal life, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, pursuing a 'gay lifestyle' would be more like another wall living my life for me than anything else. It wouldn't be what I really want, but rather more like what I think I'm supposed to want given my circumstances. I think that's what a lot of people touting gay rights 'on our behalf' from the outside fail to understand or connect with - what our perception of 'self' is as compared to what they think it should be. And I wonder if it's what kept BYU administration from working with us before - if their expectation of our 'self' is radically different from how we actually see things.

That's not how I envisioned ending my post, so um...we saw Blades of Glory today, and it was very funny. Will Farrell should never go around shirtless, but it was still really funny. That is all.

~drex