Saturday, March 17, 2007

Episode #3: boo, you whore

It's a good thing I already had this next part of our story written because I'm way too pissed off right now to think coherently. I went into work tonight for a grave shift only to find that I was put on the schedule to work 4 extra hours in the morning. No one called and asked me if that was ok or even told me that I was on the schedule...pretty much I'm at the end of my rope and I'm seriously considering quitting.

Today was pretty good overall. Drex and I watched part of the OSU v. Xavier game this morning and my buckeyes won by the skin of their teeth. I was going to be so ticked off if they failed me in another sport *shakes fist at the football team* Then I made coffee cake for brunch and it was bliss. Later we went clothes shopping with Hidden and I was reminded again of how much I *hate* shopping of all kinds...except for when I get to get new kitcheny things. After whirlwind shopping and dinner, Drex and I went to the Concert Choir/Singers concert and were pleasantly surprised at the personality that Singers showed. Usually they're completely void of facial emotion and don't really look like they're having a lot of fun but tonight they were awesome. Then we went and hung out with some friends of ours and ate cookies and had a grand old time, but alas, it had to end and I had to go to work. Mrrrrr.

Back to the story of us:
Through Drex’s cousins I found out that the other girl had been phased out in late April-early May so I decided that I could gradually start coming back around.
While I had started talking to him again, I was still very guarded and I wasn’t as open with him as I had been. Not long before I started talking to him again I had been invited to a teaching interview in the county where his parents live and I really want to teach there someday. I had been talking to his brother one afternoon mulling over whether or not I should go because I couldn’t really afford lodging and a rental car and airline tickets. His brother disappeared for a while and then came back and said that his parents said I could stay with them. I was shocked! I was under the impression that I wasn’t the most popular person around their house, but I really wanted to interview out there, so I took them up on the offer. I hadn’t told Drex about my plans to go out and I will admit that decision was mildly spiteful, but what are you gonna do? His mom came out to visit a couple of weeks later and that was actually the first time I had met her. I can’t tell you how nervous I was, but I had to keep remembering that it’s not like I was “meeting the in-laws” or whatever (oh what I silly girl am I…). I had something I had to do with his cousin while Drex’s mom was in town, so I went over and was greeted at the door by her with a ginormous hug…um, not so much what I was expecting, but it was good. If nothing else, it broke the ice for me. At one point she asked me what the dates were for my visit and I told her and then realized that I still hadn’t mentioned it to Drex. Apparently he’s not the only one who can be a self-centered jerk. Oh well, such is life.

I did end up going out for the interview and staying with his family. It was a little weird at first, but I got over that pretty quickly. I had met both of his parents, individually, but I hadn’t met his brother in person yet. He answered the door when I got there and gave me a hug. I’m not sure what it is, but apparently they’re huggers (at least his mom and his brother). I felt a little awkward just kind of chilling at Drex’s house without him there, but I think it was actually really good. I was able to interact with his family and establish myself as an individual as opposed to the girlfriend, or whatever other label I might have had. His mom was hysterical—completely open and welcoming and did what she could to make me feel at home. I had my interview and afterwards she took me around to a bunch of the schools where she knows people and introduced me to administrators and teachers. It was fun to go around with her and see how she interacts with the people she has worked with. Drex’s brother and I had a ton of fun together. We went to bookstores, out to eat, to a movie, and then he and his dad took me into the city to see the night sites. It ended up being a very fun trip and I’m glad I took the opportunity to go and spend time with Drex’s family. They’re pretty incredible people.

I graduated from BYU that spring and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. That summer was spent working my brains out and trying to figure out what God wanted me to do with my life. I had no desire to stay in Utah, but I wasn’t getting any teaching offers and I REALLY didn’t want to go live in Montana with my family *gags* so I was trying to find other options. August came and I was talking to one of my friends that I had taught with and she suggested going back to school to get an English endorsement. I hadn’t really thought about that, but it would make me significantly more marketable and it would mean that I would get to go back to school. I’m a ridiculous nerd and I actually like being in school—not so much the homework part, but the learning new things part is my favorite part. So I applied to be a Post-Baccalaureate student at BYU to do the course work for the English Teaching minor and then take the test for the endorsement.

At about this same time I went to the Temple and made a deal with God. For the record, that’s not always the smartest thing to do. I was getting really frustrated with the lack of progress in my friendship with Drex and had been praying for quite some time to be able to just let go and get over him. Now, I’m glad God didn’t answer that prayer but at the time I was getting exceedingly frustrated. I was at the Temple and had told God that I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was sick of the emotional struggle and the mental struggle and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I told Him that if Drex didn’t initiate any communication with me within like 3 days (or something ridiculous like that), then I was going to be done. I left the Temple feeling pretty good and knowing that I was on my way to getting over Drex. God likes to laugh at me. I make plans and God laughs. That night I fell asleep while watching a movie and woke up with a start because I had been waiting for a really important phone call and realized that I might have missed it while I was sleeping. I got my phone and found a text from Drex. Coincidence? Maybe, but I doubt it. I hadn’t talked to him for a few days and then he randomly texted me after I had told God that I was done if there was no communication from Drex. I will admit to being fairly ticked off at the time because I was all set to get over him and then God goes and tells me that I’m a fool and there will be no “getting over” going on. Here’s the rub though, I was stupid enough to go and make another deal with God. You’d have thought I would have learned my lesson, but not so much. This time, when I was in the Temple, I told God that if no move was made by the time I was done with my endorsement then I was completely done and I was going to move out of Utah regardless of whether or not I had a teaching job. I thought I was safe when nothing happened immediately, but little did I know what was in store.

A few weeks before school started, Drex started messaging a friend from home on facebook. To most other people the posts seemed fairly innocent, but I knew that he was going to try and pursue her when she came out for school. Unlike my reaction to his pursuit of another girl earlier that year, I was mildly entertained by this one. My prediction wasn’t confirmed for a few weeks until I was talking to Drex’s cousin and he told me that he had something to tell me. I knew he was going to tell me that Drex was pursuing this other girl. He gave me some good advice and let it go at that. When Drex’s brother found out, he was appalled again at the apparent insensitivity that he saw going on. I just shrugged it off because I knew it wouldn’t last. I didn’t disappear this time, rather I stuck around and continued my friendship with Drex hoping that I could at least maintain a friendship. Registration for winter classes came around and Drex, his brother, and I decided to take a class together. I was nervous for what could happen, but decided that it would be fun if I made it so.

Come December I was getting to the point where I was getting overworked (I had many jobs going on at once), burned out at school, and just super stressed out. Drex’s birthday came up and we decided that we were going to go see the MoTab Christmas concert up in SL. I was excited for that and had everything planned for his birthday. Then I found out that the girl he was kind of pursuing was going to come with us because she had some friends coming into town that night and they needed to be picked up at the airport. Let me say here and now, the girl he was pursuing is a very good person and I like her a lot. We’re actually friends and get along really well, so my frustration at her coming had nothing to do with her as a person. I was just frustrated that she was invading an event that I wanted to be able to spend with my best friend. His cousins and brother were coming up with us too, but that didn’t bother me. The fact that she came up made me extremely jealous. I ended up making a complete fool of myself that night because I was overstressed and overworked and underslept and I hadn’t eaten. Those are never good combinations for me and I just, well didn’t handle the situation as well as I could have. As a result of the spectacle I made of myself we ended up missing the concert which I felt really bad about. Drex and I were able to go up the next Sunday and see it, but it was still an overall awful experience.

Not long before this happened Hidden and I had become friends through an English class we were taking. He had mentioned where he served his mission and it happened to be the same mission that Drex served in. I thought that was kind of random, but didn’t really say anything more about it. Hidden and I were talking after class one day and he told me he was gay and how he had struggled a lot and something just clicked in my head. I told him that my best friend also was struggling with that (can I also mention that Drex and I hadn’t talked about his SSA for nearly a year. It was just an unspoken thing between us) and that I didn’t know what to do for him. He mentioned something else about his mission and I ventured to ask him if he knew Drex and lo, and behold, he did. Then I said that Drex was my best friend before I even thought about it and Hidden put two and two together. He gave me his email to give to Drex at that point so that they could communicate with each other. I was terrified to tell Drex that I had the address though because I had just broken a huge trust. I didn’t want Drex to think he couldn’t trust me anymore and that I was a terrible friend and all those things, so I sat on the address for a few months.

I know, I know...i pick the worst places to end off, but it's the best I can do at the moment. There is more coming, I promise.

S.

3 comments:

-L- said...

My wife and I dated for years and there was a point in there where she told me in no uncertain terms that if I weren't going to move forward in the relationship then she didn't want to see me anymore. It was too hard to be "just friends," so we could be more than friends or be nothing at all--it was my choice. I said no. That wasn't one of the options, but I still just did what I had always done.

She was mad. And I'm sorry I caused her that pain during all those years of figuring things out and being uncertain whether our friendship was a colossal waste of time or not, but for not allowing her to say goodbye: I'm not sorry.

salad said...

much as i really wanted to get over drex and just leave because it was too hard, every time i thought about doing it i experienced the most accute heartache i have ever experienced. i guess that's one of the reasons why i stuck around, and i'm eternally gratefully that i did

Boo said...

Interesting to read your story as it has parallels but also differences to my husband's and I's story. I would love to talk to you, but understand the stress of preparing for marriage. I haven't read enough of your stuff to even know when it is, but if you have any questions before or after, please let me know! My husband and I have been married for just over a year, so we are still new at the marriage thing...