Friday, March 9, 2007

my coming out experience

Well, my friend Hidden warned me that integration into the Mohosphere would be quick. :D Hello to all you people randomly dropping in! I shake you warmly by the hand, Willy Wonka-style. I've had a request by someone close to me that I unlink a few things, and other requests to beef up my profile a bit, so I'll be getting on that after this entry gets done.

I finally caught up on some sleep today. Other than that the day was mostly uneventful. Class, work, class, psych stats test (ugh), wretched movie. Scripture study tonight, as Salad mentioned, was very fun, and fairly insightful. I picture Lehi getting ticked off with the river, calling it Laman, then coming up with some warm and fuzzy explanation why when he's confronted on it (no, that's probably not how it happened, but it's funny to contemplate). Then there was "O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running into the fountain of all righteousness!" (1 Ne 2:10) Can you not picture Laman running headfirst into the side of a fountain over and over again? Maybe I was just really tired.

I've been asked to share my coming-out experience. I've been planning to do so, but it's a potentially long story, and I'm potentially long-winded, so you'll have to bear with me. Now that I've told my parents, I'm more or less comfortable with anyone else finding out. I have planned to be completely out for a while now, and with the perspective I am taking into and out of this, I see little reason for people to freak out at me. I'm sure it will happen at some point, but it hasn't happened yet, so the bubble hasn't burst. So anyway, a few days after telling my parents (I came out to them almost two weeks ago) I made sure to record down my feelings about the weekend, to make sure I wouldn't forget. I'll copy some of that (long) entry here:

"After pictures Salad and I drove in my car back to [my parents'] hotel. I told Salad that I wanted to come out to my parents sometime while they were in town. It’s been a desire that’s hit me probably the last 3 times I’ve spent time with them, and it seemed like it would be right, especially in the context of dating Salad. Salad obviously offered as much support as she could give, and I kept thinking about it.

"Before [my brother] and I left to get the food, I told mom and dad that I wanted to talk to them alone at some point while they were visiting. That time came later Saturday evening. We sent Bob home with Salad’s car and orders to meet at our place in the morning, and the kids went to bed, leaving mom, dad, Salad and me. My heart was pounding a thousand times a minute, and Salad was extremely supportive, leaning on me and wrapping her arms around my middle. She was a huge help in getting me to talk. So we sat down, and I was finally able to come out and tell them about my same-sex attraction. It was a nerve-wracking experience, because despite my belief that they’d be understanding, there was always that slim chance that they wouldn’t; I also didn’t know just how well they’d end up taking it, despite my belief in their unconditional love. Mom, always the talker, talked about having lesbian friends who chose the lifestyle, which worried me a bit because I never chose this. She seemed to understand my explanation of how I see things, though, and eventually was more openly supportive of me. Dad didn’t say much, though love always radiated from his eyes, but I must admit that his silence made me very nervous at times. Ultimately he was also very supportive and understanding, and while they both expressed concern for the path I have to travel and the fact that they’d be disappointed if I let it hurt my foundation in the gospel, the fact that I view it all from a gospel perspective won out and they understood me. Having that out in the open has been a great relief to me.

"I had texted Hidden before I talked with mom and dad, to let him know I was planning on talking about it that day if I could get them alone. That was partially because if I had to report to him, I figured I’d get it done. When the night was done (after 1AM), I texted him to let him know that it went well.

"So here I am now....Mom and dad know about my homosexuality, Salad and I are closer than we’ve ever been and I’m seriously contemplating engagement. I want to take it slow, so it won’t happen anytime too soon, but the cards are on the table and I know it’s a distinct possibility. Sometimes I wonder if we weren’t supposed to hook up until now because we would have moved too fast into something we weren’t ready for at the time. I think I’m getting to the point where I could be ready for it. I have to wonder when it’ll click for me, but so far it’s falling into place. I’ve never felt more comfortable, more loved, more safe, and more free in my life. I can see myself living with Salad for the rest of my life. I can’t see life without her – but that’s what I thought about Panda and Psycho before, and we’ve grown apart. It’s not love yet, but I think it’s getting there. I’m just very glad that we’re so open with each other, and that we talk about things. It’s been wonderful, and I hope it only gets better."



Mormon Enigma said...

I'm glad it went well for you when you talked to your parents. Unfortunately, not all parents are as understanding and supportive - consider yourself very lucky indeed.

It sounds like salad is an amazing woman. I hope things work out well between you.

I have planned to be completely out for a while now

Wow! How do you envision yourself 5 years from now? You and salad married, maybe a child or two, and everyone in your ward knows you're gay? What about when your children are a bit older? I can envision the playground conversation:

"my dad's a policeman",
"my dad works for a bank",
"my dad's gay - he likes guys"

Although, I know how you feel about wanting to be completely out, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that step just yet.

My wife knows that I blog. I assure her that I do it anonymously, but she has expressed concern on more than one occasion that I may be leaving enough hints so that someone could piece together the puzzle and figure out my true identity. I try to assure her that won't happen. But, the reality is that she is probably right. But, in truth, I don't really care that much if someone were to find me out. Although, it would be awkward for a while. For one thing, if rumors started to circulate that I'm gay, I would want to talk to my children so that they hear it from me rather than as a rumor.

Kengo Biddles said...

One comment on love.

It comes, and it comes again, and it comes yet again. You will find as you move forward with your dear one that your love grows and changes and you're falling in love over and over again as time moves forward.