life update

It occurs to me that we haven't really blogged about how things are going in general. Salad's sick, as mentioned before - our boss will send us home with so much as a headache, sniffle, or cough - and yet he came in for three straight days with bronchitis and pneumonia. Despite Salad confronting him on it, and despite the fact that our coworker has a newborn at home. In fact, the boss sat at that coworkers desk and used his phone while he was sick. At any rate, Salad went to the doctor and found out she has bronchitis and pneumonia. Sound familiar? When I confronted our boss about it, he said "That's too bad. Tell her sorry. I won't be here!" (he's going on vacation) Jerk.

Wedding preparations are still under way. Salad's had her showers with her family and her female friends - all that's left is the one with my family (silly aunts) and the moho shower. Gifts have begun trickling in, and one gift was a big surprise - a Wii with an extra remote. We've been enjoying the fun that's associated with having a Wii in the home, and some of our friends have been partakers as well. Once we're moved in and everything, we'll have to pick up 2 more controllers and have parties at our new place.

New place! We finalized everything and got the keys for our new apartment yesterday. We'll start moving random things over there probably today, but we have to wait on the big furniture-y stuff until we have access to a truck. We hope to be all moved in before we head out to DC for the wedding.

And lastly, Kengo's suggestions for Salad's icon/avatar/whatever were pretty good! I don't know what Salad thinks, but I've attached my top 12 choices (in no particular order, numbered for easy reference). Any opinions?

~drex

vacation: days 1&2 - driving & monterey

day 1 - driving (thursday 26 april 2007)

We started out as soon as Hidden was done with his last final. We left Provo at around 8:00PM (causing me to miss all of the 2-hour special of American Idol, grr). The drive was fairly uneventful. We cycled through drivers throughout the night/morning. I drove until we crossed the Nevada line, then passed out because I'm extremely adept at sleeping in moving vehicles. We made it through much of Nevada to Reno before I took my turn again, and I drove almost all the way through California before Hidden took over for the last 20 minutes or so (which I also slept through :P). After arriving in San Jose at Hidden's uncle's place (at around 7:00, if I remember correctly), we crashed on their air mattresses and floor and took naps for the rest of the morning. Although before we actually fell asleep, Salad had planted herself downstairs and was reading when Hidden and I heard raucous laughter coming from her direction. Salad, in her lack of sleep, had completely misread a word in her book: underfed. If you read "under-fed," give yourself a gold star. What she read was the past tense of "underf," meaning (now), to misread or mishear something. We were up again at around 12:30. One item of note at this time is that after awakening, Hidden and I were talking in the living room when a bird flew into the living room window. Bonk and a flurry of feathers later, we look out the window and don't see the bird until another bird flies in and starts feverishly pecking at it - it was stuck in the crosshatches of a chair on the porch. So here I am thinking that I'm seeing bird cannibalism before my very eyes, when the trapped bird gets free and I realize that was the point the entire time. Smart birds.

After that we went to In-N-Out for lunch (mmm...), went to Rasputin (a fantastic used CD etc store) and picked up some music and the first season of Duck Tales (woo woo!) on DVD (woohoo!), then headed to the Great Mall to try to find orange sunglasses and orange Converse hi-tops for Hidden (they had neither). We headed into downtown San Jose to pick up Salad's friend Vanessa and went out to Thai food for dinner (amazing). Then we rushed back to Hidden's cousins' high school to see their production of The Wiz. It wasn't bad, but didn't match up to Utah high school standards (I saw Orem High's production of Les Mis a few years back, and it was amazing). We did have a fun time trying to figure out if Hidden's cousin is straight (we don't think so) and making fun of some of the acting, though. After the play, we dropped Salad and Vanessa off (I think Salad was walking dead at that point) and Hidden and I visited one of his old friends from the mission. Hidden procured a car for Sunday and Monday so we could split up, and we went back to his uncle's house to sleep.

day 2 - monterey (friday 27 april 2007)

While we had originally planned to leave at around 6:30 to pick Salad up and head down to Monterey, Hidden's uncle talked us out of it, and we headed off at around 9:00 instead. We had a fairly uneventful trip down to Monterey, driving through some of Hidden's old stomping grounds and seeing all manner of fields of garlic, artichokes, and strawberries. Once in Monterey proper, we parked down aways from the Monterey Bay Aquarium and Cannery Row, then took a walk along the sidewalk for a while. Because Hidden and I had previously been to the Aquarium and hadn't been horribly impressed (either by the things to see or by the exhorbitant price), we skipped out on that. We ended up taking a few minutes at the small beach there, wetting our feet in the extremely cold Pacific and taking a bunch of pictures. Hidden almost had his flip-flops stolen by the ocean, Salad got freezing cold saltwater on freshly shaven legs, and I was mostly boring. At one point Hidden was writing Salad loves Drex in the sand, but the water came and washed it away. Glaring, Hidden spouted off "Boo, you whore!" at the ocean. We laughed. A lot.

We finished up there, picked up some sunscreen so Salad wouldn't burn too bad (haha yeah right) and headed off to 17-mile drive. The drive itself is beautiful enough, but we were also able to see some of the notable things along the way. We went through most of the stuff there, then spit ourselves out at Carmel. In Carmel we grabbed some food to go from a diner, then planted ourselves down along the beach. Two plus hours later we headed back to the car and up to visit one of Hidden's convert families for an authentic Mexican dinner. We also slowly began to realize the power of the California sun, as Hidden got some sweet tan lines, Salad burned all over (we told the family that she was radioactive), and I got the worst sunburn I've ever had on my legs (I don't burn often or easily, but I guess my legs got the brunt of it this time - by now they're finally fading into a tan). Dinner was fantastic (tacos like what), and we headed back to San Jose for boba drinks (smoothies with giant tapioca pearls - they're an Asian thing that's been big in Cali and elsewhere with Asian populations but that are picking up other places, too) with Vanessa. Then we headed off to sleep and prep for the next day: San Fran.

EDIT: Flickr Pictures! http://www.flickr.com/photos/8151244@N05/ (I think that's how it works)

happy easter!

Looks like yesterday's "Bradley" is now Calvin. Just as a heads-up. (:

I had a fun, relaxing day, and we even got to barbecue at Judith's place. I really miss easy access to a barbecue, so it was a nice change, and good food. I finally got to feed my craving for chocolate chip cookies by making a nice double batch. I had wanted to do it for the Heroes party, but there just wasn't enough time with the papers and homework I had to get done the entire week prior. Salad and I had a nice open discussion tonight as well. I don't know how people can keep relationships afloat without good communication. One of the things that came up are my personal walls and boundaries that keep aspects of me from coming to the surface, but that's really a subject for a future blog entry.

So since it's Easter, I got to thinking about the holiday and what makes it unique. I mean, it's obvious that we're celebrating the resurrection of Christ, but I was curious what made the holiday feel different. I came to the conclusion that everything surrounding the religious aspects and origins of the holiday is connected to hope. It is obvious from passages in the New Testament that the apostles just didn't get that Jesus had to die. Peripheral to that, I'm sure all of Christ's followers were pretty much flummoxed by the turn of events - from unfair trials and unruly mobs to the suffering on Calvary and the burial in the tomb, it must have really torn them up. The man that they believed to be the Son of God had just been killed by the government and ruling religious leaders. Their master and teacher was dead. It must have been an incredibly depressing and downcast few days.

Then suddenly Mary spoke with him. Then he appeared to the apostles. Understanding dawned. He was not dead, but was risen. The plan of God was not foiled, and evil had not triumphed. Better yet and more importantly, the Atonement was complete, and hope was given to a world of sinners and people who fall short of the glory of God. Death was overcome, and repentance made possible. Because Christ died, in Christ we may all be made alive, and be partakers of the gift.

In a world where terror dominates our news channels, where politics supercede religion, where diseases run rampant, crimes and atrocities are committed, and seemingly unbearable trials are faced, shouldered, and carried, we are reminded of the hope that comes through the Savior of the world. Christ lives, and He died for us. And beyond that, he made it possible that we can each be clean from not only the sins of the world but our individual sins as well.

Hope permeates every important aspect of Easter for me. I never really noticed it until I sat down and thought about it today. It's in the Easter hymns and children's songs, in the scriptures, in the Easter stories, and in the works of art. And it's in the spirit of the holiday, and in the Spirit. So at this time when we celebrate both the birth and the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, have hope! There's plenty of it in the Lord.

heroes and papers

I've had an eventful two days. Last night I completed the process of coming out to my brother (sup Bob (I think that's the pseudonym I used...)) over dinner at Red Robin. We were originally going to counter a nondescript response with Salad doing a classic double-take punctuated by a loud "What?!" but it didn't work out that way. Rolling with the punches runs in the family, and he took everything in stride, though I'm sure he has a lot boiling under the surface that he hasn't talked with me about.

I spent hours of time and got less than 2 hours of sleep last night en route to finishing an 8-page paper for my philosophy class. I actually rather enjoy the subject matter (defining art), but getting some of the sections of the paper moving took a lot of time, and as a result I'm pretty exhausted right now.

Our Heroes marathon was a wild success. Thanks to everyone who came! I had a blast. We were so crammed in there some of the time, it was awesome. I apologize to everyone that I didn't really get a chance to meet (which is basically everyone). I didn't want to section myself off and only talk to a few people, which meant I spread kinda thin and didn't really meet anyone. Just as a quick recap, we had 23 people attend, including 6 (I think) that we met through the blog. agirlwho, John, Gimple, GBYUS, playasinmar, and the Baker's son all made it for at least some of the time. We also added a new friend to the pile, whom I will try to refer to as Bradley. All in all we had lots of fun, got through all of the last 9 episodes of Heroes, mingled, and watched random and silly videos online. I honestly really enjoyed myself, and we'll definitely have to plan some fun activities for those who will still be around once school is out. We're just too awesome a group of people to pass up on the potential.

I'm literally falling asleep while typing this, so I think I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

~drex

drex, pots, and heroes

First off, today I explain where the name 'drex' comes from, because a few of you have asked. When I was in sixth grade, some friends and I decided that we were going to make a video game. We created concepts for the world, characters with backstories and subplots, and overarching plot to drive the storyline, a magic system, a battle system, and even went so far as to compose character themes and overworld music. Yes, we were nerds in the greatest sense, attempting to put together an RPG. Of the characters created, we each created a character that were essentially avatars of ourselves. My character was named Drex, a shortened form of a street near where I lived, Drexel Drive. Since that time, I have used Drex as my online moniker everywhere I go. I have a significant presence in some circles, and my name is widely known. In some ways it's a 'risk' attaching it to this blog, but I've determined that the barriers between my many lives or personalities ought to be more blurred than I've kept them. For years I maintained a real life persona, and online persona, and my secret gay persona. There are aspects that I like and value in each of those personalities, and there are aspects that I don't care for all that much. I've been trying to reconcile it all and pick out the best parts and make them mine, so I can be one full me. It seems to be going fairly well, for the most part.

I'm so glad I didn't skip my philosophy class today. My teacher invited an eccentric teacher friend of his to come in and speak to us, showing how philosophy can be more a way of life than a method of thinking. This man was weird, but he was incredible. He's a potter (he's been commissioned by the Church to do pottery for some of the historical sites and such, so the next time you visit a church history site and see pottery up on the walls or a glazed porcelain pitcher on the heavy wood table, think that he might have made it) in addition to being a high school teacher (and he taught at BYU in the 70's), and he brought his pottery wheel to include sort of an object lesson. He spent some time shaping clay, showing us different forms of clay, explaining differences between clays and what has to be done to create something out of clay. He was extremely adept with his hands, did some beautiful work, and ended up making a really spiffy pot with a cobalt glaze along the outside.

One of the things he touched on was the difference between the clay that makes porcelain, stoneware, and earthenware. All three types of clay are formed over ages, with erosion taking off microscopic pieces of granite and accumulating together. Clay cannot be made by man, because we simply can't form pieces of granite a quarter of a micron thick. At least I think that was the measurement he quoted. Anyway, all three types of clay are the same material. The difference is how far they stray from the rock, and therefore how many contaminants are with them. Primary clay, used to make porcelain, remains close to the origin and has few contaminants; the clay that makes stoneware has more contaminants, and the clay that makes earthenware has many contaminants. And I hope I'm spelling that right. Anyway, earthenware is heated to 1800 degrees to bake, stoneware to 2100 degrees, and porcelain to 2400-2700 degrees. If earthenware is heated above 1800 degrees, it melts into a puddle. Likewise, stoneware heated above 2100 degrees melts. The correllation isn't too much of a stretch - as we stray from the rock, our origin, we pick up contaminants, and those impurities means that we cannot withstand greater heat and end up as lesser forms of what we could have been. Porcelain can be heated to lower temperatures, and so celestial beings can minister to lesser beings. Earthenware melts at porcelain temperatures, and so telestial beings cannot withstand the glory of the celestial kingdom.

This wasn't discussed in class, but the beauty of our situation, mirroring the clay example but straying a bit from the strict analogy, is that the Atonement and repentance can rid us of impurities. Christ has made it possible for those of us who stray to be able to pick ourselves up, rid ourselves of our contaminants, and move ourselves back to the source.

That's where the analogy ends and I opine some more along some lines that Hidden talked to me about a few months ago. Sometimes we see SSA as a trial, and other times as a blessing. Another perspective is that it is expanded agency. We are given an entirely different set of choices that the 'normal' person doesn't have. Granted, a faithful Latter-day Saint views the choices that are opened to us as inherently wrong, but the choice is there. Heavenly Father entrusts us with more choices, and it is up to us to choose liberty and eternal life through Christ or captivity and eternal death through the devil. We know what God wants us to do, what He hopes we will choose. We were given the choice because we have the capacity to choose right. And yet we are not compelled to act, and compulsory means are not used to force our hands. We are trusted. It is understood that sometimes we will falter, and occasionally some may fall off the strait and narrow path, but that is the purpose of the Atonement - to lift us up out of the mists of darkness, to dispel the misunderstanding, to clean us off and place us right back on the path of righteousness. The way is simple, though not always easy. We even have an iron rod to remind us where we're supposed to go and to help us put one foot in front of the other. I know I'm mixing some metaphors, but it makes sense to me.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? (2 Nephi 4:26)

Sometimes I need days like today and glimpses into eternity like this to keep me going. I didn't think I needed it today, but if the Lord sees fit to distill some dew and grant me some understanding, however faint, I'll take it.

~drex

PS, we have heard back from a handful of you about our Heroes marathon, and those of you whom we have met and added on Facebook have been invited on there as well. We'd love to see even more of you, so if you have the time to drop in at any point between 4:30 and 1:30, feel free. We've got 14 people for sure coming at some point (I think 5 or 6 of those are only coming for portions), with 2 maybes. If I'm remembering correctly. At any rate, it'll be fun times. We will be starting from episode 10, but we'll preface it with a recap and interpretive dance so anyone who hasn't seen the first 9 can be up to speed.

a merry matis fhe

Oh man, what a night. First off, work and school were both uneventful, other than getting back a failing grade on my latest psych stats quiz. That was a downer. Everything started looking up after that, though. Although I guess hanging out on the steps of the wilk in the sun and basking in the beautiful weather was pretty awesome, too. Anyway, I rushed home after class to get my fried rice finished up (Salad got everything started and I combined everything to finish it up) so that we'd be ready to go - today was the monthly Monday night visited to the Matis', and it was our first time. So Salad, Hidden, Mulan, Remus, and I all piled into the car and we took off to Lehi.

Brother and Sister Matis are awesome. It was international potluck night, and the turnout was huge. I don't know if it's always that big, but it was pretty packed. We had some fantastic food (dang, you mohos can cook ^_~) and made some new friends. It was good to see Pinetree, El Veneno, and AttemptingThePath again, and it was good to meet John and agirlwho as well. Were any of you other bloggers there? If so, sorry we missed you, and we'll have to catch you next time. Also met a cool new guy, whom I will henceforth refer to as "Xiaobei." He served in the same branch as some of my aunts and my grandmother, and recognized me from all the pictures and stories he was forced to sit through; apparently they were pretty proud of their missionary nephew, and went through great efforts to let the elders know how great I was. ;) So that was fun, and I made a new friend!

It was great to feel so open and able to be myself around so many people all at once. I'm fairly open anyway, but there is a measure of repression that just pervades everything around BYU when you're gay. I guess it's one of those natural byproducts of the environment of the university. Anyway, so the conversation and interactions were really fun for me. Honestly, who wouldn't want to hang out with such an awesome group of people? Socially I had an amazing time. Then there was the spiritual aspect - not everyone was in the right place at the right time, but some of us were downstairs with Brother and Sister Matis when they got on a tangent and started sharing experiences with us. Many of the stories they related don't appear in their book (In Quiet Desperation, for those (very) few of you not in the know (if you haven't heard of it, you're a disgrace and need to go undisgrace yourself by picking up a copy asap :P)) and had to do with Stuart and their interactions and relationship with him; other stories related to interactions with various General Authorities, especially Elder Holland, who is a driving force behind looking at homosexuality within the church. He is working to change homophobia within the church during his lifetime. The Spirit was so strong in that basement as we gathered around to hear Sister Matis relating her experiences. All the side conversations tapered off, and people just paid attention - it was a holy moment, and it was a great experience for me. They are such incredibly amazing and loving people, and I'm glad Sister Matis is a huggy person, because I definitely just wanted to give her a hug when all was said and done.

Another sister came for the first time tonight, and she related the story of her son and his struggles with SSA. She just seemed like a very solid, well-adjusted, and loving mother figure that wanted to help each and every one of us, and offered her name and phone number to anyone who wanted someone for their parents to speak with. Though my parents are coping well, I'm pretty sure my mom could use someone to talk to about everything, because right now I think she only has my dad. So I approached this sister afterwards and asked for her number and such so my mom could contact her. She definitely has a heart of gold. I'm so glad she came and offered her support.

Truly there are major things afoot. The tide is turning, and the Church as an institution is becoming more keenly aware of the plight of its gay members. And at BYU I think we're part of a microcosm of what's going on at large - what we're attempting with the administration deals with policy and governing a school population, and we can safely and unthreateningly work with them to achieve understanding, tolerance (for lack of a better term), and openness - all without attacking the Church or our belief system. From there, I think it will very visibly be an example of what can be accomplished within the Church. Not that the leaders of the church are out of touch - I believe it's quite the contrary - but that things can blossom out from what happens here at BYU. And I think we're right in the thick of it right now, and I'm so excited and happy to be part of it. We're actually in a position to make changes for good, and to show that being Mormon and being gay are not mutually exclusive aspects to one's identity, nor is it irreconcilable.

That's all.

~drex

wee~~ conference =)

What a mostly great day. :P Seriously, though. We started off the day and Salad came upstairs to make coffee cake. It's one of her family traditions for the morning of Conference - they make homemade coffee cake. So I was a partaker of some fantastic home-baked buttery goodness in the morning. Then that first session of conference...can you say amazing? It was definitely a powerhouse session. Lots of doctrine, lots of uplifting and interesting perspectives and talks, and lots of feeling the Spirit. Although I was very throw off by the fact that they decided to do the sustainings in the first session. We ended up having nine people in my apartment watching it together. And we definitely outnumbered the straight people 5-4.

After the first session, we kicked everyone out of my apartment, drove some people home, and Salad and I headed up to Salt Lake to spend some time with her family before they head home (they're still in SLC for their spring break, but they're leaving Sunday night). I had to drive because Salad was on happy pills for her back - and the fact that she hadn't slept since she woke up at 6:00AM the morning previous didn't help things. Working grave is not a fun thing. Anyway, we got to spend some time before conference with her family (who are a riot, and who I like a lot), then we watched the second session with them. I will admit that all the talking about the Tabernacle, its history, and how great it is didn't really tickle my fancy. I like the place, but I watch conference to be uplifted and instructed, and I'm not talking instructed as in a lecture on a building's history. Luckily, Salad made the whole session more interesting by almost slicing her finger off with a cutco knife while cutting sausage for her brother. And then she almost fainted. Leave it to Salad to spruce up an otherwise boring session. ^_^

We headed back down to Provo after the session so I could get ready and head over to priesthood session. The girls (Salad, her mom and sister, Mulan, and my cousin's wife) all hung out and had a girls' night out. They say they ordered some male strippers, but I think they would have been a bit more bright-eyed afterwards if that were the case. Priesthood session was good - I liked Elder Hales' admonition that we had better prepare ourselves properly or we'll die in a fire, and similarly that we should make sure not to be selectively obedient or we'll die in a fire. That's what I got out of it, at least. Seriously, though, conference today was pretty good. But if the rededication of the Tabernacle is what makes it Historic with a capital H, I might throw something at the apostles who perpetuated that rumor. Or mail something threatening to their offices. (apparently I shouldn't blog when I'm in a weird mood)

Then we watched Matrix Reloaded, because Salad still needs to be indoctrinated. Now she's seen the first 2, and we just have to pump the last one in to her. I love the bit with The Architect, because I'm sure a lot of what he says goes over the casual watcher's head.

Looking forward to tomorrow's sessions! That is all.

~drex

true to your 'self'

Time for a quick post, then bed. My head is throbbing - leftovers from being sick - and my coughing picks up quite a bit when it gets late, for whatever reason. Coughing and headaches don't mix well. For the day, as Salad mentioned, Hidden and Stephen came over. What she didn't mention is that we whipped up some fantastic macaroni and cheese using 5 different kinds of cheese. Lots of leftovers for snacking during conference. =D And the commenting on random cute guys was fun, at least for me. I'm fairly secure in my just-looking-mode, so it's just a fun time more than anything else, and really allows a different level of getting to know your friends. :P

So in my philosophy class today we continued our line of thought about the real 'self' versus the walls/masks/fears/coping mechanisms etc that we allow to dictate how we interact with others. Today much of the focus was on how to get through the mire of junk we put around ourselves. If our real 'self' is immutable and happy, and I am my real 'self,' then no external force can affect my internal happiness - but how do I overcome those masks, insecurities, avoidances, etc. that hold me bound? It's a complex question. I'm of the opinion that since each of our 'selves' are unique, and because each of our barriers are unique, that our methods of dispelling those false-selves are going to be different. Everyone has their own path to walk.

A lot of things came up - repeated choices becoming habit and morphing into character, facing our barriers down, coming up with challenges to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, therapy, prayer, recognizing our own inborn value, continued trying and being committed to a goal, giving up self and trusting something else, and service made our list on the board. For me, a part of me knows who my real 'self' is, but one of the most effective ways for me to find my true 'self' is by identifying my barriers and walls and those parts of myself I consider 'fake' and figuring out how to get rid of them. For example, my introversion got on my nerves for a while, so I decided I was going to force myself out of my shell and get to some activities and put myself out there a little bit more. That one wasn't too difficult for me, and it was mostly successful. Sure I'm fairly introverted still, but I know I can break out when I want to, and right now I'm okay with where I am.

I also got to thinking about whether I am being my true 'self' by denying my passions and pursuing a heterosexual relationship. The answer for me is a resounding yes. My self is a child of God that wants desperately to return to His presence and to inherit eternal life, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, pursuing a 'gay lifestyle' would be more like another wall living my life for me than anything else. It wouldn't be what I really want, but rather more like what I think I'm supposed to want given my circumstances. I think that's what a lot of people touting gay rights 'on our behalf' from the outside fail to understand or connect with - what our perception of 'self' is as compared to what they think it should be. And I wonder if it's what kept BYU administration from working with us before - if their expectation of our 'self' is radically different from how we actually see things.

That's not how I envisioned ending my post, so um...we saw Blades of Glory today, and it was very funny. Will Farrell should never go around shirtless, but it was still really funny. That is all.

~drex

soulforce visits byu

Still sick and now with an exceedingly sore throat, but I'll survive. I'm going to try to get everything about Soulforce down in this one post, but if I get too tired or it's taking too long, I reserve the right to start in the middle and finish tomorrow. There's a lot to say.

So last night's discussion group was actually pretty decent. The Equality Riders gave a brief (about 20 minutes or so) presentation about...I forget the term...theological progression? Or something like that. Anyway, I kinda zoned out on most of their points - it's all stuff I've heard from left-wing activists trying to cater their message to a conservative group before. They were knowledgable with their Bibles, but it didn't really align with how the majority of GLBT BYU students feel - at least in my experience. Emily had some really helpful comments about the basis of good dialogue and forward progression and understanding being based in creating relationships. Sorta reminded me of the whole BRT step on the mission - building relationships of trust (sup now-defunct purple handbook). Truly, though, that was the only thing that a Soulforce member said that actually resonated with me and allowed me to feel the Spirit. Nowadays with stuff like this I largely follow my feelings, because I have a closeness to the Spirit when it comes to discerning the truth of things. I'm pretty sure it's one of my spiritual gifts. So though the Soulforce people intended well, they just weren't getting the picture.

After they took off, though, we were left with only one Soulforce guy - Mike, a former BYU student and current member of the Church. He obviously understood us better, and with 'our people' guiding the discussion, progress was made, and things felt better. They talked about submitting lists of grievances to the administration (a semi-futile approach, as I see it, and one that ended today with two Soulforce people being arrested in order to make a point), the fear that pervades the everyday lives of GLBT BYU students (I mostly just like putting all those letters in a row :D), the stereotypes that fly around, the misconceptions that the majority of the student populace has about us, and what we'd like to see changed in the Honor Code. The grievances bit, while good in principle, was attacked in entirely the wrong way. School administrators anywhere don't like to be pushed around, and a list of things we think are wrong is less than likely to be entertained, plus having Soulforce members 'march' the list on campus (their words) when they've been warned to stay off or be arrested...not so much a good idea. That was a big loss in my eyes. The talk of fear, stereotypes, and misconceptions was pretty good stuff. I personally haven't felt afraid of being myself on campus, but a lot of that is because of my personality and the feeling of invincibility I get when I think I'm in the right. I'm not going to be advocating public displays of homosexual affection on campus - I advocate open communication between all people about the subject and attempts to increase understanding and love amongst all students. So the fear has never really been a factor for me. Stereotypes of any kind bother me, and more so gay Mormon stereotypes, because they're close to home. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm promiscuous, doesn't mean I whore myself out, doesn't mean I'm going to go limp-wristed and lispy (and if I did, who are you to judge me for it?), and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not trying to live the gospel just as much as the next guy, or more so. It's myths like that that we're trying to dispel. As for the Honor Code, we just want clarity. We don't want a 6-page expose' on what homosexual activities are permissible or not - we want first of all to be able to discuss the issues in our lives without fear of ecclesiastical and administrative punishment. We want other people to hear and understand our stories, and perhaps feel compassion for our struggles and lend support. What do the scriptures say about dealing with people who are struggling?

...willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort... (Mosiah 18:8-9)
...lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees. (D&C 81:5, out of context)

If we are able to have more discussions like that amongst the common BYU populace, we'll be partway to a more understanding campus.


Then, there was today. I didn't get to take part in the walls of Jericho march (sickness and work kept me away), Hidden did, and he told me that it was more good than bad. His interactions with Soulforce members was very positive, and he helped some of them catch a glimpse of the typical gay Mormon at BYU outlook. Some issues arose when the pro-same-sex temple sealings people started to pass around literature. It's people like them that give a horrible slant to our community and who lead Soulforce to believe that they can change Church doctrine. More on that in a moment.

We did, however, skip our history class to attend the rally at Kiwanis Park. It was not as well-attended as I had expected (I think it was about 50-50 or 40-60 Equality Riders to people who showed up on their own), but it started out great. Haven, a lesbian who organized the Soulforce visit last year, kicked it off (as far as I can tell, since we got there 5-10 minutes late) and was actually fairly well-spoken and fair. Then a "straight ally" current BYU student spoke to us about his experiences (he has a lesbian sister who left the church and thus his family has spoken about it), his findings (largely dealing with controversial electro-shock therapy used by a BYU professor in the 70's in an attempt to 'cure' homosexuality, a topic addressed in Carol Lynn Pearson's book, I think called No More Goodbyes (but I'm not positive, since I haven't read it)), and his opinion on what needs to happen. He also pulled some relavent quotes from his ancestor (from the time of Joseph Smith) and some stuff from Joseph Smith himself. It was good. Then a current BYU student who identifies as lesbian spoke, and was also very good. She talked about the pervasive fear on campus, her testimony of her trials and struggles, and how talking with others and being open allowed her to love herself again.

Unfortunately, the good stopped there. The next guy up was an older guy named Clay. He started out trying to lull us into his speaking style and getting us to trust his opinions by citing scriptures and faith that BYU would change its policy. Then he went off basically on church policy, saying that the 'rewards' to GLBT members of the church were unjust in the context of the scriptures, claiming that we have to take a stand against current powerful church leaders, and completely taking scriptures out of context to support his claims. It was a gross misrepresentation of what the majority of us stand for at BYU, and I don't think he should have been allowed to speak. It's people with stances like his that make Soulforce's visits unwelcome to many, and make me feel like they're less of a help to us than an inhibitor to actual dialogue. And as bad as Clay was, the next guy was worse. I didn't catch his name, but he said that we should call on church leaders to repent. He cited "Dollin" Oaks fearing that the Church would no longer be able to limit gays, he twisted I Am A Child of God, and generally was horribly creepy, and again, completely unrepresentative of what we stand for. I was horribly disappointed by how it ended up.

I didn't get to attend tonight's discussion group, but Hidden did, and he said it was phenomenal. Four of the six individuals who talked with Jan Scharman a few weeks ago were there, and only a couple of Soulforce members. They (Hidden and Pinetree, among others) were able to actually bring home our stance as gay Mormons - that to most of us (at least the ones in our circles), it's more important to be Mormon than to be gay. Basically that our goal isn't for BYU or the Church to allow us to 'act out' our sexual preferences, but that we want to be understood and free to talk about who we are and how we live, what we struggle with and how we can strengthen each other.

Tonight Soulforce is gone. They've stirred the pot, for sure. People are thinking about things, at least in part. We know that administration won't want to do anything that seems reactionary to Soulforce's visit, but we also know that they're open to discussing things behind closed doors, and profess to be open to creating something in the open as well. It's up to those of us who are in a position to do something to righteously and tactfully apply pressure to get things done, to speak when it is appropriate to speak and to make our voices heard. That's the only way we'll get anywhere before Soulforce returns again next year.

End of high horse. Sorry about long post.

~drex

prologue: soulforce

This entry is more a reminder to myself of what I want to touch on later. I'm exhausted, burnt out, and incredibly sick, so tonight isn't going to happen. However, here're the basics (and keep in mind that prior to going I was fairly anti-Soulforce, but am typically open to giving people a second chance to make an impression):

We had 60+ people at the in-home discussion group that started at 8:30. There were 5 Soulforce peoples there, the most persuasive/knowledgable of whom was a lesbian gal from upper Michigan (and now from Washington) who has family members who are LDS. She grew up the daughter of a Lutheran minister (hey, I baptized one of those!). There were also fellows from Presbyterian and Southern Baptist roots, and I can't remember the other two (the bookends on the couch - anyone remember?). Their message was okay, but you could tell that underneath the cheery exterior they wanted to change church doctrines more than anything else. Which is okay, because they don't really understand us or our culture. Emily (the cool chick) said the one thing by a Soulforce rep that actually resonated with me, about relationships being the foundation for understanding within the community.

After the Soulforce peeps took off, we continued the discussion for another hour and a half. We got some questions from straight individuals trying to understand where we're coming from, a lot of talk about suggestions for Honor Code changes at BYU, some interesting discussion about stereotypes and common misconceptions, and got to tell everyone about Hidden (he'll get a blog someday soon :P) and Pinetree's meeting with the VP of student life at BYU and the strides that are being made from within. While some comments were a bit off-base, for the most part a lot of honest interaction and real learning went on, and I deem the meeting a success. Even if my body ACHED sitting there the whole time. Sitting in one place for a thing like that for three and a half hours when you're achy and sick isn't very fun, but it was definitely worth it.

Now we just have to convince our teacher to let us off class so we can go to the Kiwanis Park thingie tomorrow....

~drex

the good and the blah

Oh so busy. Honestly, there isn't enough time in the day for me to do all the things that I feel I have to do. On the plus side, I had a great (though incredibly hectic) day at work. I was not only amazingly busy, but very effective in using my time. I ended up making a sale (yay extra $200 this month! :D), plus I was told that my commission structure would be changing to be centered on training rather than sales, since all my time is taken up training people, and especially people that other guys sell onto our program. (we do online construction management software) So that means perpetually more money coming in. Which is really good, since I have a bunch of furniture to buy for the new apartment, a car to pay back to my parents, double rent in the month of April, and a trip to Cali to save up for.

Have to balance the good with not-so-good, right? I'm definitely getting sick, but I'm trying to stave it off with vitamin C, ibuprofen (to combat the abysmal ache-all-over feeling), ginger tea, and sleep. We'll see how I feel in the morning, but I definitely sound froggy with my itchy throat right now.

At that, I'm going to sign off. Gotta get some semblance of a night's rest, right? :P

~drex

meeting new people

So tired today, but it was a good day. Work and classes and all that jazz, but basically all day I was just pumped to go up to see the Joseph Smith movie again. What made it even better was that AttemptingThePath and El Veneno decided to join us. And just as I suspected, they're really cool and we had a good time. I wish we could have had more time to just talk or hang out or something, but I guess that'll have to happen some other time. Seriously. Plus, this time watching the movie I set a new record - I only used 4 tissues! But I think my sinuses were kinda clogged, 'cuz I got a nice sinus headache on the drive home. Wee!

I'm trying to figure out why I'm in such a good mood. I guess I just had fun, and it was good to meet new people that I could be open with, and who were the type that I would actually enjoy being friends with. It takes a certain type of person to be friends with me, so even seeing friend potential leaves a happy feeling. Plus it was an incredibly beautiful day today, and despite my brief bout of extreme pissed-offedness in the car (o road rage u), the sun kept me happy all day. I'm so shallow sometimes. I love it. ^_^

And now, to bed.

~drex

historical: first encounters

Pretty fantastic day today. I got to sleep in, it was gorgeous outside, church was abidable, we had an incredibly fun dinner at my aunt's house, and we hung out with Hidden and heard his hilarious performance of assignments from a class he took. We're pretty much all patched up now (to the relief of Salad) and the three of us are going up to Salt Lake to see the Joseph Smith movie tomorrow night. Incidentally, I bet we could get away with taking one (or squeezing, two) more if there's anyone from Provo/Orem that wants to come. I haven't cleared it with either Salad or Hidden, but odds are they'd be okay with it, and if not you'll just have to deal with the rejection. (: I'm excited, though. And I have to remember to bring a box of tissues, because I've definitely used at least 6 every time I've seen it, and I'm not anticipating it being any easier this time around. What can I say; I'm like a faucet.

Ok, so I'm flipping through my journal for fun historical insights into who I am. One entry made me giggle. I went to a school dance (girls' choice) my freshman year of high school at age 13. The girl I went with "was in Mathcounts and is way smart, essentially a girl version of me." PS, a year later she came out as a lesbian. xD Sorry, looking back that just cracks me up.

I guess I never recorded anything about the next few major milestones in my self-discovery, so this will be the first record. By my sophomore year of high school and at the age of 14 and 15, I'd come to terms with my SSA and had realized that it wasn't something that was likely to go away. I was still trying to figure out where I stood on it, and while I was nursing an interesting crush on a girl (I have yet to figure that one out, because I wasn't physically attracted to her - it might have just been a weird best friends thing, but I'm not certain), I was having a plethora of crushes on guys. That year the strongest crush was a senior kid that was in choir with me. It was very juvenile, but hey, I was just 15.

The next year was much more hazardous - I'm fully confident that only the intervention of the Lord kept me from ruining my chances at a mission and possibly facing other ecclesiastical repercussions [as a side note, I've toned this down some. This is a very vivid memory, and some aspects of that week would be just a bit too graphic for my taste]. With the old seniors graduated and the new senior tenors not really stepping up, I basically headed up the Tenor I section in the auditioned choir and the hand-picked madrigal choir at school. Among the Tenor IIs we had some decent strength, but a big boon for the section came in the form of a sophomore kid named Dylan who transferred back up to our school from New York City, where he'd been in a boys' choir boarding school something-or-other. The kid was openly bisexual, and extremely cute. So I silently crushed on him. A few months after my 16th birthday, the orchestra and choir went on a competition trip to Virginia Beach. I was in both the orchestra and the choir, and I had friends in the orchestra, but I wanted to make more friends in the choir. I'm sure secretly I wanted to room with Dylan and that that influenced my decision, but my memory on that point is pretty hazy. In the end, though, I did room with Dylan and two other tenors from the choir. Turns out one guy was also openly bi (and extremely disgusting - picture 400 pounds and unshaven, age 17, in lounging clothes on the bed eating vienna sausages out of the tin off of his stomach, and you can picture this guy), and the other guy was loosely closeted bi. What a situation for a stalwart LDS SSA youth to be in!

Two things saved me that week. One was my incredible naivete, and the other was what I see as intervention from God but what could have just been a series of unfortunate circumstances. I'll skip most of the filler. At one point Dylan and I had a pillow fight in our PJs (his consisting of boxers and an undershirt), and we ended up on the bed with his legs wrapped around me. If I had half a brain for the whole sexual undertones/overtones/tones thing, this would have been an obvious come-on. Luckily I was completely ignorant. If he had walked up to me and asked me to do something scandalous with him, I probably would have dropped everything and done it, but instead even his most obvious machinations didn't do anything to me. He would put a towel on, drop his boxers, and leave them in the room with me while he went to take a shower. He talked about not getting any on the trip. Seriously...how much more obvious could he get? We even talked about his lifestyle some of the time in the bus. But I was blissfully unaware of any interest from him.

The last day of the trip, I had basically decided I was going to go after an encounter with Dylan. Which was mildly amusing, because the night before he'd been talking about how he thinks everyone in the world is bisexual and just doesn't realized it, then decided that I was the only straight guy on the planet (probably because I didn't react to his flirtations) and that all supposedly straight guys should be as cool and accepting as me. Anyway, since I didn't understand flirting I was just going to be incredibly forward, and my excuse for doing it, or the circumstances I wanted to create to set it up, was another pillow fight. Shortly before I was going to put my plan into effect, one of the jerks in the choir basically threatened Dylan and said that he was going to tell Dylan's older sister about his orientation (how his family didn't know I will never fathom), which threw Dylan into such a funk that he wasn't in the mood to play or anything. I honestly feel like I was unwittingly moving into a temptation that would have been beyond my capacity to bear, and that God all but plucked me out of the situation in order to keep that promise that we won't be tempted above that we are able. In the end nothing happened between us, Dylan and I chatted and emailed for the rest of the school year and he loved being able to educate me about his lifestlye and the terminology and such. To this day the smell of the cologne that he wore reminds me of him, but I'm incredibly glad that nothing happened between us and that God had His eye on me. Even if I wasn't committed to a path following the gospel, he was a player and I would have been a fling, but since I was on the path to serve a mission it means that much more to me. Especially looking back and seeing just how treacherous the path I was treading was. God's a good guy.

~drex

emotional roller coaster

I guess you all were right, to an extent.

Today was a roller coaster of emotion, but at least a roller coaster has ups. We had a panel on Black families in my cross-cultural families class, which was very insightful - we had a girl from the Ivory Coast, a girl from Uganda, and two guys from Ghana answering questions and such. Though the teacher is boring and not too adept at what he claims to specialize in (his knowledge is good, but his common sense, for lack of a better term, leaves room for improvement), the panels we organize have been immensely educational.

So after my MFHD class I typically hang out with my friend, and Salad joins us occasionally on Fridays. We checked all his normal spots, but no luck. By this point, the rather acute heartache got the better of me and I decided to skip my philosophy class. Unless I took part in a very lively discussion, my thoughts would inevitably turn to trying to figure out how to patch things up, and I'd be useless anyway. Nine text messages, 2 emails, and 2 voicemails later (I think), my friend shows up at Salad's door for our Heroes marathon. I was immensely relieved to see him, but he seemed determined to pretend like nothing was wrong/had happened and to just watch the show. I had essentially determined that if he was going to walk in with that attitude, I would have to quietly excuse myself, go upstairs, and essentially cry myself to sleep at 5PM. Luckily I'd already expressed that to Salad, and she got him talking and explaining his position. Eventually we worked things out to the point where at least it wasn't tense and we were able to enjoy the show (9 straight episodes of Heroes like what! we'll have to finish the rest, though). I don't know where on the spectrum of angry he's at right now, but it looks like time will heal the rift. I certainly hope it will. All night long I really wanted to just hug him because I still feel so awful that everything went down the way it did, but I didn't want to mess things up any more than I already had. I guess I'll just have to be more cautious in how I approach things - I honestly don't know if I could handle another bout of emotional rejection like that. I don't generally invest too much emotion into situations or relationships, but my close friends get as much of my heart as I have to give, which puts me at risk of being very hurt. I certainly contemplated cutting off all emotion, but I think that's a swing in the wrong direction as well.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to go get me some shorts that I can enjoy wearing tomorrow. I hate shorts and Salad and I both hate shopping, but the end result might be worth it. The only shorts I have are a slew of khaki shorts that were handed down from my uncle - comfortable, but hardly stylish. We'll see if I can find anything slightly more fun.

~drex

meeting with the bishop

It's been an interesting day, to be sure. Started off the day bailing out my brother, who had a dentist's appointment but failed to nail down a way to get to the dentist's office. Needless to say, I was 20 minutes late to work and had to drive Salad's car home, and my brother had to go pick her up from the office when she was done with work. It was pretty silly. Had my voice lesson today, as well as rehearsal for the men's ensemble I'm in. Let me tell you - music is SO therapeutic for me, and not being in Men's Chorus this year (I was in it for two and a half years before) has been really sad for me, but it didn't fit my schedule and I'm kinda glad because it would have added almost as much stress as it expunged.

So Salad and I went in to talk with my bishop tonight. I have to preface this by saying that I love my bishop and trust him completely. He's a very spiritually in-touch person, he's very open, I love his philosophy on running the ward (we're ecclesiastical leaders, not matchmakers!), and he's not afraid to admit when he doesn't understand something. Tonight was one of those times he didn't understand, and he was very open about it. It's apparent that he's had people from the ward talk with him about SSA issues in the past, but that he had little experience with it and hadn't really 'done his homework,' so to speak. When I told him I had dealt with same-sex attraction for a long time, he was floored. He masked it relatively well, but he was flabbergasted. I don't think it helped that Salad was in the room with us, or that I was his executive secretary for a year or so, or that I've been such an upstanding member of the ward. I think in his mind gay people are supposed to be obvious about it and have some sort of distinguishing characteristic that makes it obvious for everyone else to identify. I guess I never displayed that particular marker.

At any rate, he tried really hard to keep a grip on the situation and spouted off some questions and some advice, but I was really there for the blessing. I have my situation under control, I'm not dealing with depression or anxiety stemming from my 'issues,' I haven't committed any grevious sins, I maintain a gospel perspective about the way I approach my life and my trials...I just wanted some insight as to what God wanted me to do/had in store for me/whatever He felt like sharing through an ordained conduit.

The blessing was nice.

Nice isn't the best adjective, though. I'll admit it, I was hoping for something a little more earth-shaking than what I got, but my expectations weren't ridiculous. I mostly wanted clarity, and I didn't really gain much. Some of the things that were said really spoke to me and I feel like overall it was a good experience and I needed to go through it. However, there were some aspects of the experience that didn't work out quite so well. Those of you priesthood holders out there know that sometimes while you're giving a blessing, there's a pause between bouts of inspiration. Some people just stand there silently, waiting for the promptings to come, and some people fill the void with things that they think the person wants/needs to hear. About 50% of the blessing was vamping. I don't fault my bishop for it, because I've known a lot of people who've vamped in blessing like that. I've been blessed with a fairly keen sensitivity to the Spirit if I'm living my life right, though, and I could tell when he was vamping. Oh, well. I got some of the blessing that I was looking for.

I will admit, though, that I was a little put off or even mildly offended that at the end (after a great and much more natural blessing given to Salad) the bishop expressed that he wanted to talk with me every couple of weeks. That privilege is generally reserved for people on the edge or who are actively dealing with a major sin or something. Not someone who's living his life about as righteously as he ever has since his mission, who really has control over his temptations and trials, and came to gain clarity on what God willed. Still, I love the man and really enjoy talking with him, so it won't be a chore or anything. It just kinda hurt that his lack of understanding runs so deep, I guess. I fully intend to help him understand a little bit more, and to offer to talk with anyone who comes through his office that's dealing with the same thing. We'll see if he thinks that I'm just trying to find a boyfriend or something. Oi. The other comfort I have is that my personal scripture study and personal prayer has been pretty powerful, and the inspiration I've received is keeping me aware of my path almost as well as a blessing could.

If you missed it, go down and read Salad's latest post. She's working on outlining our history to this point. It will help you understand where we're coming from, though I'll have to fill in gaps that show my side of the story. So far she's gotten it right. ;)

~drex

historical: first inklings

First off, the day. I actually had a really good day once it got going. Getting two and a half hours of sleep doesn't make for the best start to the day, but work was good and then I got to school. Had a midterm in my cross-cultural family class, which I dozed off in. I swear, that class kills me. I dozed off 3 times during the first test earlier in the semester. This time wasn't quite so bad, but ugh. Anyway, finished pretty fast and ran off to find Hidden. We hung out for a while, basking in the sun, and then Salad skipped her class to join us and we all stayed out in the sun for almost an hour and a half. It was awesome. I skipped the rest of my classes for the day so I could take a much-needed nap. Salad, Hidden and I skipped around the mall for a while then came back and mostly just vegged and ate dinner. Probably one of the most laid-back, fun evenings I've had in a while, and very appreciated. I don't know how I'd deal with life and the stresses I've got if it weren't for the unwavering support and love of Salad and the aid of good friends. Or friend, since that's about where I'm at these days. :P

Before I get into the first of my 'historical' posts, I just want to emphasize what a great blessing good friends are. I don't make good friends easily, because I'm fairly insular and introverted, and if I sense any untrustworthiness or flightiness, I'm slow to trust. It's been immensely beneficial to have trusted friends whom I can talk with, and it's really reminded me that I have to make sure I'm the type of person people can trust as a friend, so I can be that pillar of strength if the need arises.

Okay, so I intend on having a series of 'historical' posts - basically blasts from my past giving insight into who I am. I've never been much of a journal-er. Blogs, online journals, and the like are typically more cathartic for me because I crave the feedback, but there were the situations where my journal was just the escape I needed. I'm sure all you Mohos out there (I agree with whoever said that reminds them of a sickly sweet treat, but it's a good descriptive term) who kept journals have looked back and seen the tell-tale signs. Some of my tell-tale signs are quite pronounced, in part because I've always been fairly honest with myself and came to terms with my SSA early on in my high school years.

The earliest, most vivid memory I have of SSA happened after I moved in the middle of third grade. I was not too much older than 8. We moved to a new state, and I started at a new school. There was a boy that I became friends with not too long thereafter, and once while running around playing tag during recess, I had the thought pop in to my head "I really want to kiss him." Considering we were all in the phase of kissing-is-gross, that was a really weird thought, and I dismissed it.

The next strong indication of what I would be dealing with came in sixth grade. Multiple elementary schools funnelled into one middle school, and we were put with kids from different areas that we hadn't met. One of those new kids was another member of the church (this was upstate New York, so members were few and far between) from across town that I developed a crush on. In fact, that crush continues to this day, and if I see him on campus (he's married now) I still get a little flutter inside. Awkward. Anyway, here's an entry from my journal, dated Sunday, August 11, 1996:

"Yesterday I got back from an international camp near Watertown. I had a strange feeling when I helped Tyler [name changed] stay above water in the watermelon sprawl [we were chasing a buttered-up watermelon in knee-deep water on the side of a lake, and Tyler was wrestling with the watermelon and a bunch of guys while I made sure he didn't drown], and I can't explain it, but I've felt it before."

Nearly every entry from that point onward documents whether I'd felt that recently, and under what circumstances it would occur. Eventually I figured out that I was experiencing crushes, but it took a while. Looking back, I wish I'd kept a better journal, but what I've got provides some fairly decent insight into how the journey has been. Some of it is still only floating around in my head, so I hope I'll be able to get it down in here. We'll see how brutally honest I can be about myself.

~drex

just a quick post

It's getting kinda late and I'm not even really close to getting my assignment done, and it's due tomorrow. Plus I'm studying and prepping for a midterm that I have to take tomorrow afternoon in another class, so I'm going to keep this a brief overview of my day.

First off, I suppose, is that I didn't get to talk to my bishop. The time he had available didn't work for me and I didn't get the voicemail from the executive secretary until too late. The after church the bishop was swamped with ecclesiastical endorsement interviews. I'm going to try to make it over to talk with him between the end of my class and the beginning of my choir rehearsal on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to it.

Salad and I went to her ward for sacrament meeting, then boogied over to my ward for my sacrament meeting. Both meetings were pretty good with a few boring spots. Better than some other recent meetings, for sure.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep so I can wake up early to get this stupid assignment done. I'm planning an interesting post when I have time for it, and it looks like tomorrow might be the day, so keep an eye out. I want to thank those of you who've commented on this blog so far - it's great to be able to jump into a new community of individuals and be accepted into the circle so readily. Some of the ideas brought up in discussion have really sparked some lines of thought for me, as well. I'm liking the intellectual/emotional stimulation.

~drex

joseph smith movie is so sad

I'm tired to the point of almost falling over right now, so I'm going to keep this brief and without major aside. Salad had a job interview for a teaching position this morning, so we went up and I worked on homework in the car while she was interviewing. Afterwards we went to lunch, then headed up to Salt Lake to watch the Joseph Smith movie. Can I just say...I consider myself a fairly sensitive guy, but I don't often cry in movies. This movie is three for three in making me bawl, though. Not only does it have emotionally manipulative down, but there's honestly a lot of Spirit in it and a lot of power that transcends mere emotion. I love the movie. It's sad, but so sweet.

I'm really looking forward to talking with my bishop tomorrow. He's a fantastic guy that I trust completely. I've been in this ward for two years, and my cousins have been here for over three. Our bishop is like family. Salad and I are both going to go talk with him and let him know our situation, and I really want a priesthood blessing from a person who knows the story and what's going on, and who can hopefully be a conduit for God to directly address what I've been going through.

And now I really am literally too tired to keep my eyes open. While I'm typing. It's to the level of ridiculous, which means I have to shelf my desire to keep posting about interesting things and give it up for some future time.

~drex

pieces of an ideal future

I have to start out by saying that until this afternoon, it had been FAR too long since I'd had sushi. Far too long. Provo has this fantastic all-you-can-eat sushi place called Asuka (it's next to the Olive Garden by the Movies 8), and we typically hit it up once every two months. I guess it's only been somewhere between 3 and 4 months since we last went, but I've been craving the stuff for a while now. Gorging myself on blessed bundles of rice and seaweed made my day. =D

Checked out The Illusionist tonight. Salad borrowed the DVD from one of her coworkers. It was pretty good - the feel of the film was quite unique, and the cinematography was strong. I have to say that I expected most of what happened at the end right from the start. I dunno, maybe I've seen too many movies, but the end seemed pretty obvious - it was just the minutae of getting there that was mildly fuzzy. Oh well. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I recommend it.

Last night I checked out the report of the Evergreen conference from last year. I have to say that overall I really wasn't impressed. Maybe they just need an editor for their newsletters that can put the right kind of spin on what they say, but a lot of the statements made in there honestly offended me, if only mildly. Some of the time it was just poor word choice, but some of the time it's a lack of understanding of how I, at least, care to go about 'dealing with' SSA. The address by Elder Pinegar was okay, though, and the Chairman's Message at the end seemed pretty spot-on for the most part. I dunno. It seems like though they're shooting for a broader perspective on the issues, they're not thinking broad enough. I'll keep looking into the organization and what they stand for, but it will be with a more wary eye than I had anticipated using before.

Mormon Enigma commented on my last blog post, and I want to post in response to that. He wrote:

Wow! How do you envision yourself 5 years from now? You and salad married, maybe a child or two, and everyone in your ward knows you're gay? What about when your children are a bit older? I can envision the playground conversation:

"my dad's a policeman",
"my dad works for a bank",
"my dad's gay - he likes guys"

Salad and I haven't discussed this (although I'm sensing it might come up sooner rather than later, now :P), but here're my thoughts. Part of the issue is that if everything goes according to my intended plan, part of my future will be spent counseling with youth (probably high school to college age) who struggle with SSA in the Church. In order to do that kind of counseling in the way that I envision it, I have to be out and honest about who I am - both to make sure that anyone connected is aware of where I stand, and to assure those I work with that I have at least some understanding of where they're coming from. Plus there's the fact that SSA is a part of who I am, for sure, but it doesn't define me. It's not the first thing that comes to mind when someone asks who I am. Heck, ethnicity pops into my head first, and I'm born and raised in the States. There's also the fact that who I am beyond all else is a child of God who's found His true church on the earth, and I don't want anything to jeopardize that - I'll try to remember to post a more in-depth expose' on how deep my commitment to the Church runs, but let's just say that Satan's going to have to get some pretty heavy leverage to knock me off this ship. And because of my personality and the way I interact with people, I can generally get them to understand my worldview and perspective, so at least they don't jump down my throat. So do I see myself out to everyone around me? Yeah. I'm almost there now, after just a few weeks - after telling Salad and my parents, there's not really anyone whose opinion would effect me enough to throw me into bouts of depression or anything like that. If people find out about me now, I'm okay with it.

The kids thing is a bit more complicated, because I can see some serious issues stemming from it. It bears a lot of thinking about, because kids don't understand wider perspectives when they're really young. I think I'll have to do a lot more research on child development and the like before I come to my own conclusion about that.

my coming out experience

Well, my friend Hidden warned me that integration into the Mohosphere would be quick. :D Hello to all you people randomly dropping in! I shake you warmly by the hand, Willy Wonka-style. I've had a request by someone close to me that I unlink a few things, and other requests to beef up my profile a bit, so I'll be getting on that after this entry gets done.

I finally caught up on some sleep today. Other than that the day was mostly uneventful. Class, work, class, psych stats test (ugh), wretched movie. Scripture study tonight, as Salad mentioned, was very fun, and fairly insightful. I picture Lehi getting ticked off with the river, calling it Laman, then coming up with some warm and fuzzy explanation why when he's confronted on it (no, that's probably not how it happened, but it's funny to contemplate). Then there was "O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running into the fountain of all righteousness!" (1 Ne 2:10) Can you not picture Laman running headfirst into the side of a fountain over and over again? Maybe I was just really tired.

I've been asked to share my coming-out experience. I've been planning to do so, but it's a potentially long story, and I'm potentially long-winded, so you'll have to bear with me. Now that I've told my parents, I'm more or less comfortable with anyone else finding out. I have planned to be completely out for a while now, and with the perspective I am taking into and out of this, I see little reason for people to freak out at me. I'm sure it will happen at some point, but it hasn't happened yet, so the bubble hasn't burst. So anyway, a few days after telling my parents (I came out to them almost two weeks ago) I made sure to record down my feelings about the weekend, to make sure I wouldn't forget. I'll copy some of that (long) entry here:

"After pictures Salad and I drove in my car back to [my parents'] hotel. I told Salad that I wanted to come out to my parents sometime while they were in town. It’s been a desire that’s hit me probably the last 3 times I’ve spent time with them, and it seemed like it would be right, especially in the context of dating Salad. Salad obviously offered as much support as she could give, and I kept thinking about it.

"Before [my brother] and I left to get the food, I told mom and dad that I wanted to talk to them alone at some point while they were visiting. That time came later Saturday evening. We sent Bob home with Salad’s car and orders to meet at our place in the morning, and the kids went to bed, leaving mom, dad, Salad and me. My heart was pounding a thousand times a minute, and Salad was extremely supportive, leaning on me and wrapping her arms around my middle. She was a huge help in getting me to talk. So we sat down, and I was finally able to come out and tell them about my same-sex attraction. It was a nerve-wracking experience, because despite my belief that they’d be understanding, there was always that slim chance that they wouldn’t; I also didn’t know just how well they’d end up taking it, despite my belief in their unconditional love. Mom, always the talker, talked about having lesbian friends who chose the lifestyle, which worried me a bit because I never chose this. She seemed to understand my explanation of how I see things, though, and eventually was more openly supportive of me. Dad didn’t say much, though love always radiated from his eyes, but I must admit that his silence made me very nervous at times. Ultimately he was also very supportive and understanding, and while they both expressed concern for the path I have to travel and the fact that they’d be disappointed if I let it hurt my foundation in the gospel, the fact that I view it all from a gospel perspective won out and they understood me. Having that out in the open has been a great relief to me.

"I had texted Hidden before I talked with mom and dad, to let him know I was planning on talking about it that day if I could get them alone. That was partially because if I had to report to him, I figured I’d get it done. When the night was done (after 1AM), I texted him to let him know that it went well.

"So here I am now....Mom and dad know about my homosexuality, Salad and I are closer than we’ve ever been and I’m seriously contemplating engagement. I want to take it slow, so it won’t happen anytime too soon, but the cards are on the table and I know it’s a distinct possibility. Sometimes I wonder if we weren’t supposed to hook up until now because we would have moved too fast into something we weren’t ready for at the time. I think I’m getting to the point where I could be ready for it. I have to wonder when it’ll click for me, but so far it’s falling into place. I’ve never felt more comfortable, more loved, more safe, and more free in my life. I can see myself living with Salad for the rest of my life. I can’t see life without her – but that’s what I thought about Panda and Psycho before, and we’ve grown apart. It’s not love yet, but I think it’s getting there. I’m just very glad that we’re so open with each other, and that we talk about things. It’s been wonderful, and I hope it only gets better."

~drex