relationship progression: kissing

It makes me sad that my busy-ness has overtaken my blogging. I can't wait for all my papers to be written and my finals to be done - the stress that plagues my mind and the minds of those close to me leave us all on-edge and near the breaking point. Salad and I went to a concert on Friday night, and I was moved to tears. Twice. That doesn't generally happen (except with Whitacre's When David Heard, which is arguably the most soul-wrenching song in existence), but my emotions were so close to the surface, and the feelings were so acute that I couldn't help it. While I don't much enjoy crying in public, it was worth the experience.

I was also going to opine on another subject, but what I have has become so lengthy that I'm going to hold off until tonight or tomorrow. It's something that's weighed about as heavily on my mind recently, so it's important for me to blogbarf on it.

So. Some of you in the know and close to us have been very interested in this aspect of our situation. I'll catch everyone up, because though it's pretty personal, it's not so personal that I won't divulge to inquiring minds. I have a hangup with kissing. First of all, I just don't get it. What's so great about kissing? Maybe I'm just not wired right. Another way for me to be defective. ;) Second, my mind works in odd ways, and I'm fairly certain that progressing to the kissing stage when my mind isn't prepared would be a bad idea, and a psychological setback for me. I know it's supposed to be 'just kissing,' but for some reason I've got great importance attached to it - probably because everyone else likes it so much, and I don't think I understand it. I've done stage kisses for a high school musical, and film kisses for a movie I was in. I've also been smooched by a semi-trashy smoker girl backstage at that same musical, but I've never been in a situation where I've kissed someone romantically. People tell me I'll just 'get it,' but I have my doubts. I think I understand myself better than most people realize.

And that was actually a small point of contention last night. Enough people know about my hangups on this, and want my 'best interests' that they've been trying to get it to just happen, because they think that's best. I had told Salad that without doubt, I wanted to feel like I had overcome my mental blocks and gotten to a point where I was at least comfortable with trying before we did it. She almost got swayed otherwise talking with other people, and it was only my frantic pleadings that talked her out of it. She even prefaced with "You're going to hate me for this, but...." That didn't offend me, but it set the stage for later on in the day, when yet another person made an innocent comment about how she should just lay one on me right then. For some reason that just set me off inside, and I had to isolate myself so I could examine what made me so mad about it. I decided it's because I felt cornered, and that no one was listening to what I was saying - despite telling many people that I needed to overcome this mental hurdle before taking the next step, they were deciding what was in my 'best interests' without regard for my opinion. I know they meant well, but I understand me. My self-analysis is in-depth, very probing, very honest, and typically quite accurate. The mounting pressures to live up to everyone else's expectations for a relationship of which I am a half became to much to want to deal with.

Anyway, I've been working on getting past this for days or even weeks now. It's a logical step in a relationship, even if I don't get it, and I know Salad likes kissing a lot. Last night I finally felt like I'd mentally braced myself enough to take that step. I think my fears were very well founded, and after doing some kissing last night, I can honestly say that I still don't get it. I think I'm just not a kissing kind of guy. It was more enjoyable than any previous stage kiss or whatever that I've had, but it's not something that I'd look forward to all the time, and I certainly don't understand lengthy make-out sessions. Seems like a waste of time for me. Perhaps as I experience it more it'll grow on me, and I hope it does, but for right now I've told Salad that she'll have to initiate anything, and that I won't enjoy it as much as she does, because I just don't understand what's so great about it. I can imagine kissing anyone, girl or guy, and it just really doesn't do anything for me. Oh well. Salad says she's gonna coach me through it. ;)

Although if there are any opinions out there, especially from anyone who's had remotely similar experiences, please share. I'll take everything with a grain of salt, but I will take it. And I'm curious how everyone else falls on the subject.

~drex