wee~~ conference =)

What a mostly great day. :P Seriously, though. We started off the day and Salad came upstairs to make coffee cake. It's one of her family traditions for the morning of Conference - they make homemade coffee cake. So I was a partaker of some fantastic home-baked buttery goodness in the morning. Then that first session of conference...can you say amazing? It was definitely a powerhouse session. Lots of doctrine, lots of uplifting and interesting perspectives and talks, and lots of feeling the Spirit. Although I was very throw off by the fact that they decided to do the sustainings in the first session. We ended up having nine people in my apartment watching it together. And we definitely outnumbered the straight people 5-4.

After the first session, we kicked everyone out of my apartment, drove some people home, and Salad and I headed up to Salt Lake to spend some time with her family before they head home (they're still in SLC for their spring break, but they're leaving Sunday night). I had to drive because Salad was on happy pills for her back - and the fact that she hadn't slept since she woke up at 6:00AM the morning previous didn't help things. Working grave is not a fun thing. Anyway, we got to spend some time before conference with her family (who are a riot, and who I like a lot), then we watched the second session with them. I will admit that all the talking about the Tabernacle, its history, and how great it is didn't really tickle my fancy. I like the place, but I watch conference to be uplifted and instructed, and I'm not talking instructed as in a lecture on a building's history. Luckily, Salad made the whole session more interesting by almost slicing her finger off with a cutco knife while cutting sausage for her brother. And then she almost fainted. Leave it to Salad to spruce up an otherwise boring session. ^_^

We headed back down to Provo after the session so I could get ready and head over to priesthood session. The girls (Salad, her mom and sister, Mulan, and my cousin's wife) all hung out and had a girls' night out. They say they ordered some male strippers, but I think they would have been a bit more bright-eyed afterwards if that were the case. Priesthood session was good - I liked Elder Hales' admonition that we had better prepare ourselves properly or we'll die in a fire, and similarly that we should make sure not to be selectively obedient or we'll die in a fire. That's what I got out of it, at least. Seriously, though, conference today was pretty good. But if the rededication of the Tabernacle is what makes it Historic with a capital H, I might throw something at the apostles who perpetuated that rumor. Or mail something threatening to their offices. (apparently I shouldn't blog when I'm in a weird mood)

Then we watched Matrix Reloaded, because Salad still needs to be indoctrinated. Now she's seen the first 2, and we just have to pump the last one in to her. I love the bit with The Architect, because I'm sure a lot of what he says goes over the casual watcher's head.

Looking forward to tomorrow's sessions! That is all.

~drex

true to your 'self'

Time for a quick post, then bed. My head is throbbing - leftovers from being sick - and my coughing picks up quite a bit when it gets late, for whatever reason. Coughing and headaches don't mix well. For the day, as Salad mentioned, Hidden and Stephen came over. What she didn't mention is that we whipped up some fantastic macaroni and cheese using 5 different kinds of cheese. Lots of leftovers for snacking during conference. =D And the commenting on random cute guys was fun, at least for me. I'm fairly secure in my just-looking-mode, so it's just a fun time more than anything else, and really allows a different level of getting to know your friends. :P

So in my philosophy class today we continued our line of thought about the real 'self' versus the walls/masks/fears/coping mechanisms etc that we allow to dictate how we interact with others. Today much of the focus was on how to get through the mire of junk we put around ourselves. If our real 'self' is immutable and happy, and I am my real 'self,' then no external force can affect my internal happiness - but how do I overcome those masks, insecurities, avoidances, etc. that hold me bound? It's a complex question. I'm of the opinion that since each of our 'selves' are unique, and because each of our barriers are unique, that our methods of dispelling those false-selves are going to be different. Everyone has their own path to walk.

A lot of things came up - repeated choices becoming habit and morphing into character, facing our barriers down, coming up with challenges to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, therapy, prayer, recognizing our own inborn value, continued trying and being committed to a goal, giving up self and trusting something else, and service made our list on the board. For me, a part of me knows who my real 'self' is, but one of the most effective ways for me to find my true 'self' is by identifying my barriers and walls and those parts of myself I consider 'fake' and figuring out how to get rid of them. For example, my introversion got on my nerves for a while, so I decided I was going to force myself out of my shell and get to some activities and put myself out there a little bit more. That one wasn't too difficult for me, and it was mostly successful. Sure I'm fairly introverted still, but I know I can break out when I want to, and right now I'm okay with where I am.

I also got to thinking about whether I am being my true 'self' by denying my passions and pursuing a heterosexual relationship. The answer for me is a resounding yes. My self is a child of God that wants desperately to return to His presence and to inherit eternal life, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, pursuing a 'gay lifestyle' would be more like another wall living my life for me than anything else. It wouldn't be what I really want, but rather more like what I think I'm supposed to want given my circumstances. I think that's what a lot of people touting gay rights 'on our behalf' from the outside fail to understand or connect with - what our perception of 'self' is as compared to what they think it should be. And I wonder if it's what kept BYU administration from working with us before - if their expectation of our 'self' is radically different from how we actually see things.

That's not how I envisioned ending my post, so um...we saw Blades of Glory today, and it was very funny. Will Farrell should never go around shirtless, but it was still really funny. That is all.

~drex

I'm a fruit fly!

I had a new experience tonight that I would never have dreamed of participating in, and yet found myself completely un-phased by the event as a whole—ok, well maybe that’s not completely true, or I wouldn’t have thought to blog about it :P

Drex, Hidden, Stephen, and I were sitting around watching various music videos tonight and were commenting on the attractiveness of the male singers in the videos. I didn’t really think much of it until I realized that I was having this discussion with 3 guys…not 3 girls. I found it kind of funny when I actually connected the dots (I’m kinda slow when I get tired), and commented to them that I was thoroughly amused by our line of conversation.

Over the last little bit I have become more and more comfortable around the people from the MoHosphere that Drex and I have hung out with. I love spending time with them and getting to know them and often come away wishing that we could have spent even more time together. I think people who don’t take the time and opportunity to get to know such wonderful people are really cheating themselves out of some of the best friends they could ever have.

You guys (I’m using it as a non-gendered term for those girls who read the blog as well) are great and I’m glad that we get to share a bit of ourselves with you and that we also get to know you in the process. Thanks for sharing your stories and insights. I, for one, am grateful that I get the chance to learn from your experiences, make new friends, and come out a better person
overall.

I’m pretty sure this has been uber rambley, but that’s what you get when you have a tired Salad. Perhaps I will try to clarify later. I’m sure Drex’s post will be much more enlightening and deep, so look forward to that.

S.

let me do the talking.

I'm looking at 10+ days of being sick, and I'm ready for it to be over. Oh well.

We had an intriguing discussion/activity in my philosophy/first-year writing class yesterday (Wednesday). (for the record, taking a first-year writing class is requisite in the psych major, regardless of whether or not you tested out of the course using AP English credit from high school.) It was about walls and barriers in our lives, and how they speak for us much of the time. Essentially my teacher boiled down the walls in our lives to experiences from our past - finding out we're not the center of the universe when we first go to preschool, realizing we're not incredibly brilliant when we get our first low mark on a test, discovering we're not ultra-talented when we get cut from the team by a coach, etc. When we have experiences like that, we react to them, and begin to form a web of belief that defines how we see the world - those other kids in preschool just aren't cool enough to hang out with me, school sucks and my teacher is stupid and I don't need her to learn, and coach just doesn't see my latent talent and potential, etc. As we formulate those opinions and beliefs, often they get in the way of our communication with others - soon it's our walls speaking, and not us. Somehow who we are gets confused and lost in the cacophony of preconceived notions and skewed perspectives we wrap around ourselves.

It all rang very true for me. I think I escaped a lot of the wall-making, because I tend to take things in stride (of course, my view of myself is likely also skewed by my walls of perception and previous notions of my 'self'), but some walls are definitely there. Walls of belief, coping- and safety-mechanisms, psychological abnormalities, etc. filter what I take in and make me see everything the way I want to see it. At the same time, it defines a lot of what I allow people to perceive me as. Though I am a goody-two-shoes at heart (and possibly because of that), I want people to see me that way - part of my perception of myself that I like to project to others is that I'm in some way morally superior to them. I will go to great lengths to perpetuate this perception, and sometimes when I notice I'm doing it (unconsciously, usually) I get quite irate with myself, because honestly...who am I to determine the moral high ground? My walls of shyness, introversion, and insecurity masked by bravado tend to shine out before the real 'me' inside can get more than five words in - I think a lot of people perceive me as aloof, uncaring, or untouchable because of the way I present myself.

So how do we break down our own personal barriers to let the real 'us' shine? Unfortunately I think that journey's unique for everyone, but for me I'm starting with identifying what my barriers are, and then I'm going to figure out what I personally need to do to counteract them. If I can roll with the punches and adapt as well as I think I can, it should be an exciting exercise.

What does anyone else think about the concept, especially of one's walls doing the talking for them? It seems like those of us who deal with SSA tend to be especially adept at creating walls around ourselves to determine what we say and do, especially in social situations and interactions with other people. I guess another question in our case is whether or not we want to bring those barriers down, because honestly we are safer in Mormon society when we've got some of our barriers up. Is safe enough? I'm guessing the depends uniquely on each individual as well. It's a lot to think about.

~drex

Episode #4: bringing it current

Ok, as promised, here's the rest of the story:

Right before Christmas and after as well, Drex’s cousins and brother and I had been talking and we’d seen a change in him. We didn’t necessarily feel like it was a change for the better and we began to be worried about him. He seemed more upset and bitter and angry and just overall not in a good mood—EVER. His cousins nominated me to be the one to talk to him and figure out what was going on. That wasn’t really a fair position to put me in but there was logic behind it. They figured that I would be the one person that he would listen to and actually take seriously. I HATE confrontation and contention. Drex and I are very similar that way. I didn’t really want to deal with the issue because I knew that there could only be 2 outcomes: 1. we would remain friends and the friendship would get better or 2. everything would end right there. Because those were the only options I had no desire to deal with it because I tend to psyche myself out for the worst case scenarios. I kept putting it off and putting it off and just trying to ignore what was going on.

At the end of January I was cornered by Drex’s cousin and he had a lot to say. He’s been one of the biggest supporters of me and Drex getting together since the very beginning and this encounter proved to be very stunning. He sat me down and told me that he didn’t want to ever be in the same room with me and Drex together because we have the tendency to verbally play off of each other and it’s not always very nice. He said that we had offended him deeply and that while he didn’t want anything to change the friendship between us, he wasn’t going to make an effort to be around when Drex and I were together. Then he told me that I should just give up on Drex altogether. Maybe at one point we could have worked, but at this point our paths had diverged enough that it just would never be a possibility. I was stunned by this conversation and really didn’t know what to say. When he left I called my mom and bawled on the phone about everything. I told her I couldn’t do it anymore and that I was just going to get over him. There were other things I needed to focus on and I couldn’t waste my time anymore because it obviously wasn’t going to go anywhere.

I finally sucked up my inhibitions and decided that I would talk to Drex about the change in his attitude while his cousins/roommates were out of town on business. We had to see a movie for the class that we are taking together while they were gone, so I just decided that I would do it after that. We walked out of the movie and were on our way to my car and my heart was going a million times a second. I was so nervous. I waited until we got in my car and were headed home and I told him I had a loaded question for him and asked, “what’s up?” I’m sure he didn’t catch my meaning at first, but after some probing he told me that he was really stressed out and since he didn’t have any real music distraction going on he was having a hard time filtering everything out. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really buy that answer, but I let him keep talking. We ended up going up to his apartment to talk since he was by himself and we sat on complete opposite sides of the room. We talked for over an hour and I have no idea what the specifics of that conversation were. Then suddenly he was talking about his SSA in really vague terms and dancing around whatever it was he was trying to say. I looked at him and said, “Why are you dancing around the issue?? You know I know, so stop dancing.” He responded with, “I know, but it still hurts to talk about.” Then, for only the second time since I’ve known him, tears started streaming down his face. I again felt an increase of love for him and knew that he needed something from me, so I opened my arms and said, “Come sit by me.” He moved and I put my arms around him and laid my head on his chest and we just sat there for a while. I felt him take a deep breath and exhale and what came next left me completely shocked. He said, “I need to preface what I’m about to say with, I don’t want to be smothered and I don’t want you to get your hopes up…but I think we should give us a try.” Ok, now place yourself in my shoes and picture my reaction. I had always planned to be spiteful if he ever asked me and just tell him no, but in that moment I felt the most overwhelming peace and contentment fill my heart and mind and I knew it was right. While I was processing that though, I looked up at him with complete disbelief in my eyes. When I gained control over my voice I replied with, “Well, I need to preface my answer with, I’m done with my endorsement in June and I really have no intention of staying here unless there’s something keeping me here…no pressure or anything.” I think he answered back with something along the lines of “Fair enough” but I don’t remember because my brain was on complete overload. We sat there for a long time and he put his arms around me and we talked about many different things. For some reason that I can’t recall at the moment, we decided that it would be a good idea to keep the fact that we were dating from his family until after his cousin got married. Looking back on it, it was quite the silly decision, but whatever. It was at that point that I decided to tell him that I had Hidden’s email address if he wanted it.

I went to bed that night still wondering if I had dreamed the whole event. The whole idea of finally being able to date him was so surreal to me and I hardly dared believe it was true. I had waited for four and a half years and my prayers had finally been answered…and then it dawned on me: I had made a deal with God and once again He had come through for me. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to go making all kinds of deals with God, but it proved to me that He does listen to our hopes and desires, and if we’re patient enough He just might be willing to let us have the ones that will be good for us. When I woke up the next morning I very nearly pinched myself just to make sure I was awake. I decided I didn’t want to deal with the minute pain and waited to see how things would go with Drex that day. To my complete and utter surprise, we were actually dating, I hadn’t dreamed it all.

After about a week and a half and talking with Drex’s cousin’s fiancé, we decided to scrap our original plan of silence and told his family (mine already knew). My roommate/his cousin was ecstatic and demanded the full story while I was in the middle of getting ready to go to class—needless to say, I was a bit late for class. The rest of the family wasn’t really surprised at all and they reacted with “it’s about time” and “we’re really happy for you.” When Drex told his mom though, there wasn’t much of a reaction at all, which made me really nervous. We had established a pretty good relationship when I went out and visited them, or so I thought and the fact that there really wasn’t a reaction from her didn’t seem really uplifting at the time. The whole extended family was coming in to town for Drex’s cousin’s wedding and I will admit to being very intimidated to talk to his family after the lack of reaction. I started stressing out unnecessarily, which I’m wont to do in a lot of situations. Everything went smoothly the first night they were in town which did much to put me at ease. Unfortunately I was still stressing out about the wedding because I was supposed to do the bride’s hair and take care of the kids while everyone was at the Temple and…and…and…yeah, I was stressed out. The morning of the wedding I did the bride’s hair and drove her up to the Temple and then went back to Drex’s parent’s hotel to watch the little ones with his brother. We went back to the Temple for pictures and when I got there, Drex told me that he was considering telling his parents about his SSA while they were in town. I was kind of surprised, but told him that I would support whatever decision he made. We kind of talked about it a little on the way home from the Temple and he made the decision to go for it. Later that afternoon he told his parents that he wanted to talk to them alone at some point. I didn’t think it would happen that day, probably right before they left to go home.

That night was the time. We sent Drex’s brother home with my car and the little ones were in bed. I was sitting next to Drex with my arms around him and my head on his chest but before everything settled in to place I had him lean down and told him that I loved him no matter what happened and I wasn’t going anywhere. I put my head back on his chest and his heart was going about a million beats a second (ok, so that’s exaggerating, but it was going really fast). The wording he chose for telling his parents was quite similar to what he said to me so I experienced a bit of a flashback. They took the news exceedingly well and expressed their love and support for Drex over and over—his dad was quieter than his mom, but you could see the love in his eyes. During the course of the 2 hour conversation we covered a lot of topics, but I was most impressed that they included me in the conversation. Both of his parents asked me how I felt about the situation and how things would work out with us and how my parents would react to the information. It was an amazing conversation and I can only hope and pray that the conversation with my parents is as productive.

The next day we went up to Northern Utah to visit with his extended family and I had an absolute blast. His cousins are way fun and his aunts and uncles are great people. I didn’t interact as much with the adults but I seemed to fit right in with the cousins which isn’t something that normally happens right off the bat for me.

The last night his family was in town Drex and I spent at the hotel hanging out and just being with the family. When it was time to leave Drex’s dad gave me a hug and then his mom gave me a hug and said, “You take care of my boy and let him take care of you.” I felt so loved by them and I don’t think they can ever appreciate how much that meant to me. After being so nervous about them coming out and everything it was a really good point at which to leave off and I felt really good about the situation.

We started the blog not long after they left so I think this might be the end of the recap of the “Drex and Salad Saga.” I feel kind of sad about that, but at least I got it finished. I’m going to end with some personal thoughts and then I can just keep going with the present stuff.

I have known, almost since day one, that Drex and I were more than just mortal friends. I truly and deeply believe that our spirits were friends in the pre-existence. I know that sounds way cheesy and very Saturday’s Warrior but it’s true. The time leading up to us dating and the point where we are right now was painful in a lot of ways, but completely worth it. I know the feelings aren’t 100% reciprocated, but I love Drex more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life and that love grows everyday. I can’t picture my life without him, nor do I ever want to. I know that our road together will be long and hard and occasionally discouraging, but it’s totally worth it. I wouldn’t give up our experiences together for anything in this world.

S.