emotional roller coaster

I guess you all were right, to an extent.

Today was a roller coaster of emotion, but at least a roller coaster has ups. We had a panel on Black families in my cross-cultural families class, which was very insightful - we had a girl from the Ivory Coast, a girl from Uganda, and two guys from Ghana answering questions and such. Though the teacher is boring and not too adept at what he claims to specialize in (his knowledge is good, but his common sense, for lack of a better term, leaves room for improvement), the panels we organize have been immensely educational.

So after my MFHD class I typically hang out with my friend, and Salad joins us occasionally on Fridays. We checked all his normal spots, but no luck. By this point, the rather acute heartache got the better of me and I decided to skip my philosophy class. Unless I took part in a very lively discussion, my thoughts would inevitably turn to trying to figure out how to patch things up, and I'd be useless anyway. Nine text messages, 2 emails, and 2 voicemails later (I think), my friend shows up at Salad's door for our Heroes marathon. I was immensely relieved to see him, but he seemed determined to pretend like nothing was wrong/had happened and to just watch the show. I had essentially determined that if he was going to walk in with that attitude, I would have to quietly excuse myself, go upstairs, and essentially cry myself to sleep at 5PM. Luckily I'd already expressed that to Salad, and she got him talking and explaining his position. Eventually we worked things out to the point where at least it wasn't tense and we were able to enjoy the show (9 straight episodes of Heroes like what! we'll have to finish the rest, though). I don't know where on the spectrum of angry he's at right now, but it looks like time will heal the rift. I certainly hope it will. All night long I really wanted to just hug him because I still feel so awful that everything went down the way it did, but I didn't want to mess things up any more than I already had. I guess I'll just have to be more cautious in how I approach things - I honestly don't know if I could handle another bout of emotional rejection like that. I don't generally invest too much emotion into situations or relationships, but my close friends get as much of my heart as I have to give, which puts me at risk of being very hurt. I certainly contemplated cutting off all emotion, but I think that's a swing in the wrong direction as well.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to go get me some shorts that I can enjoy wearing tomorrow. I hate shorts and Salad and I both hate shopping, but the end result might be worth it. The only shorts I have are a slew of khaki shorts that were handed down from my uncle - comfortable, but hardly stylish. We'll see if I can find anything slightly more fun.

~drex

insecurity

I'm not a very insecure person. I'm typically quite sure of myself, quite confident in my abilities, quite certain that I can handle whatever life throws my way. There are a few select circumstances under which I tend to buckle more readily. The one of which I am most keenly aware is friends. My friends are few and far between, and I haven't had a guy best friend for since I moved away from New York in 2000. The last time I added a new guy friend to my list of close friends was probably sixth grade, back in 1994-95 or whenever the heck I was in sixth grade. I share this because I thought I had a guy best friend again, and it had been nice. My insecurity comes in the fact that because I hold my friends close, make few of them, and don't like people being mad at me, I'm always afraid that I'll do something to offend a friend or chase them off.

Sorta like I did last night.

I should have been more considerate, or chosen my words more carefully, or kept my mouth shut altogether. At any rate, apparently I've chased off a friend that I think I needed, and it's left me lower than I've felt in a long time. More because I don't know what I can do to patch things up or if it's even patchable than anything else. I want to play the optimist and say that it will all work itself out in the end and we'll be closer for it or some trite drivel like that, but my insecure side won't let me process things that way.

I think that's it. Not really in the mood to say anything more.

~drex

i'm a self-centered jerk sometimes, i admit it

Can I start by saying that I'm loving the weather? Seriously, it's been so incredibly nice outside. I spent a nice hour of my afternoon basking in the sun, reading a book on Chinese women in traditional China, and I actually enjoyed myself. It's too bad I've been so incredibly exhausted recently or I'd be able to enjoy it more. And stay awake in my classes.

I sorta want to blogbarf about a few things that have been running through my head. After the two posts by Mormon Enigma, I have given additional thought to the concept of SSA as a proverbial 'talent.' I know that not everyone views things the way I do, but I honestly believe I've been blessed with the trial of SSA so that I can help others and gain a level of empathy that others can't reach. Couple that with some of the spiritual gifts that I have, and I'm fairly certain pursuing a career in counseling is a good move for me. Something that we can all work on (myself most DEFINITELY included) is making sure we see things through multiple perspectives before we decide on a course of action or where we want to anchor ourselves. To do otherwise increases the risk of misplaced faith, slipping off the path, or flat-out stupidity. I take little issue with people who disagree with me - though I may come across as self-righteous, that's never my intent, and as far as it goes in my mind, it's never reflective of my actual state of mind, either. It's hard when you see people you know deciding on the course of their lives after being swayed by one individual's life view, though. I dunno. I'm babbling.

I also want to apologize now, either after having messed things up or in advance of when I surely will mess things up. I am confident in my perspectives, I am confident in myself, and I am confident in my ability to work my gifts/talents in such a way that I can help others. That means that I come across strong sometimes, and despite my good intentions I will butt heads with people. I wish people could see into my heart when that happens, because I hate contention (that seems silly). I'm always well-intentioned, I just tend to come across wrong and mess things up periodically. I guess I need to work on balancing my life a bit more than I thought.

It's a really interesting predicament to be in. I'm simultaneously having some of the best and hardest days recently. Things with Salad are progressing slowly but surely. I wish I could pick up the pace, but I'm a faithful realist, and I'm content 'knowing' that it will work out but not putting a timeframe on it. At the same time, school is kicking my butt from time to time, and I seem to be offending the people I love and care about, and I feel more or less inept at being able to help them. Maybe I should be less worried about helping them and more worried about shutting up. Only that tactic hasn't worked well in my relationship with my brother. Despite our proximity and recent interactions, I think I feel farther from him than ever before. And Salad assures me that I shouldn't come out to him right now due to circumstances that she's not at liberty to share with me. *sigh* Can't life ever be straightforward?

(PS I bumped Salad's very good continued post on our history down, so don't miss it!)

~drex