spirit or irrational obsession?

I had two bad days in a row, which doesn't often happen to me. They had me melancholy, retracted, confused, and frustrated enough that I have spent some small amount of time trying to figure out the root cause rather than just waiting for the feeling of gloom to pass. Typically my psychological makeup is such that things just roll off my back and I can move on with life, but when things stick I know there's something up. There's also the fact that a stupor of thought typically leaves me with similar feelings of confusion and frustration, so there's the possibility that there's something the Spirit wants me to do differently.

Salad has talked to me before about the bone-deep desire she has to teach, and how frustrating it is that she can't find a teaching job. Some measure of that desire blindsided me on Wednesday, except that my passion and my desire lie in singing. I have been taking voice lessons for quite a while, I've been in choirs since high school, and it's typically been enough for me. All of a sudden I have this ache to do something with my singing, though. I don't know that being in choir will be enough to fill it. It's like...I want to be in a musical, or working on writing music specific to me, that I could sing and that would be mine.

Part of my frustration is that I buried my dreams of musical grandeur a while back. Music is not a logical career path, so I convinced myself that I wasn't going to pursue it as anything more than a side hobby. Part of that was reasoning that choir was okay, because it was a joint commitment between all the members of the choir, but that any solo pursuits were essentially pointless. Two days of frustration have thrown all of that out of whack in my mind. Why not do more with what I have? Would it have to be to the exclusion of more logical pursuits, or could they be done at the same time? Would it be wrong or selfish of me to want to pursue music with a bit more gusto? And if I did decide to do more with music right now, how would I go about it? I don't know the first thing about the things that would probably satiate this feeling.

And then I have to wonder if this is really Spirit spurring me on, like it mostly feels like, or if it's my own obsessive nature shining through randomly. And is there a whole lot more to my melancholy and overall feeling of BLAH, or is this the root of the problem? Am I spinning my wheels even thinking about it?

Meh.

In other news, Hairspray was fantastic, fabulous, and amazing.

rant: judgemental mohos

Yay for the end of classes! I only have one paper and one test left, then I'm free for spring and summer. Glorious. So for the record, we're experimenting with flavored chapstick/lip gloss/whatever, and it seems to have a positive effect. So that's good news.

Now I want to vent for a little bit. I have been nothing but impressed with the overall open-mindedness, acceptance, and non-judgemental nature of the Moho community, but I've come to a frightening realization. Mohos are just as judgemental of people they feel don't match the poster-boy image they like. Not always, but a lot are.

Those who know us know that Hidden fits quite a few gay stereotypes. He's effeminate, carries around a murse, worries about fashion, flails his hands when he talks (sorry bud =)), and stuff like that. But y'know what? Underneath that exterior, Hidden's just a guy with his own issues, his own strengths, and his own needs. And y'know what? I feel like he's been betrayed by the very people who should understand him the best. Do you know how hard it is to watch your best friend get snubbed and shut out by people you consider your friends? Or at least people who by all accounts ought to at least understand enough not to judge others based on such silly notions. So what if he talks like a gay guy - his ideas are good, his opinions are solidly founded, and he's working his tail off to help people understand not only him but all of us in the Moho community.

We went for a walk late one night last week. Most of you understand what it's like to feel alone and alienated, to feel like those who ought to understand really don't. Most of us have gone through that. Some of what brings us together is that commonality, and many of us have reveled in the seemingly unconditional acceptance by those 'like us.' Many of us feel like we finally belong somewhere, that we're relating with people who can actually understand where we're coming from, and who are friends with us for who we are regardless of orientation or other issues. Hidden still faces a lot of that alienations and loneliness even when spending time with us. Outside our tighter group of friends, the tenseness and sometimes distaste or even dislike are almost palpable. He's been cut out of activities or other things with no explanation. It bugs me to no end to see, and it breaks him apart. He probably wouldn't want me to be blogging about this, but it really irks me that we have such a capacity to speak out of both sides of our mouths. People are people, and if you're going to judge them, do it based on more than just your surface judgement and your distaste for the way they walk.

On the plus side, there are many of you who have not shown that judgemental mentality, and I thank you for it. Our little circle of friends is still growing, and I love every one of you - we have so much fun spending time with you, and it's sad that some of it will be broken up by the coming of spring semester. I hope you all keep in touch on Facebook or whatever as you disappear for a few months.

Sorry I was ranty. I'll hopefully post again tonight - brother Bob is hopefully getting his mission call and opening it tonight, so I'll have to brag about it. ^_^ And talk about going out to sushi. Mmm....

emotional roller coaster

I guess you all were right, to an extent.

Today was a roller coaster of emotion, but at least a roller coaster has ups. We had a panel on Black families in my cross-cultural families class, which was very insightful - we had a girl from the Ivory Coast, a girl from Uganda, and two guys from Ghana answering questions and such. Though the teacher is boring and not too adept at what he claims to specialize in (his knowledge is good, but his common sense, for lack of a better term, leaves room for improvement), the panels we organize have been immensely educational.

So after my MFHD class I typically hang out with my friend, and Salad joins us occasionally on Fridays. We checked all his normal spots, but no luck. By this point, the rather acute heartache got the better of me and I decided to skip my philosophy class. Unless I took part in a very lively discussion, my thoughts would inevitably turn to trying to figure out how to patch things up, and I'd be useless anyway. Nine text messages, 2 emails, and 2 voicemails later (I think), my friend shows up at Salad's door for our Heroes marathon. I was immensely relieved to see him, but he seemed determined to pretend like nothing was wrong/had happened and to just watch the show. I had essentially determined that if he was going to walk in with that attitude, I would have to quietly excuse myself, go upstairs, and essentially cry myself to sleep at 5PM. Luckily I'd already expressed that to Salad, and she got him talking and explaining his position. Eventually we worked things out to the point where at least it wasn't tense and we were able to enjoy the show (9 straight episodes of Heroes like what! we'll have to finish the rest, though). I don't know where on the spectrum of angry he's at right now, but it looks like time will heal the rift. I certainly hope it will. All night long I really wanted to just hug him because I still feel so awful that everything went down the way it did, but I didn't want to mess things up any more than I already had. I guess I'll just have to be more cautious in how I approach things - I honestly don't know if I could handle another bout of emotional rejection like that. I don't generally invest too much emotion into situations or relationships, but my close friends get as much of my heart as I have to give, which puts me at risk of being very hurt. I certainly contemplated cutting off all emotion, but I think that's a swing in the wrong direction as well.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to go get me some shorts that I can enjoy wearing tomorrow. I hate shorts and Salad and I both hate shopping, but the end result might be worth it. The only shorts I have are a slew of khaki shorts that were handed down from my uncle - comfortable, but hardly stylish. We'll see if I can find anything slightly more fun.

~drex

i'm a self-centered jerk sometimes, i admit it

Can I start by saying that I'm loving the weather? Seriously, it's been so incredibly nice outside. I spent a nice hour of my afternoon basking in the sun, reading a book on Chinese women in traditional China, and I actually enjoyed myself. It's too bad I've been so incredibly exhausted recently or I'd be able to enjoy it more. And stay awake in my classes.

I sorta want to blogbarf about a few things that have been running through my head. After the two posts by Mormon Enigma, I have given additional thought to the concept of SSA as a proverbial 'talent.' I know that not everyone views things the way I do, but I honestly believe I've been blessed with the trial of SSA so that I can help others and gain a level of empathy that others can't reach. Couple that with some of the spiritual gifts that I have, and I'm fairly certain pursuing a career in counseling is a good move for me. Something that we can all work on (myself most DEFINITELY included) is making sure we see things through multiple perspectives before we decide on a course of action or where we want to anchor ourselves. To do otherwise increases the risk of misplaced faith, slipping off the path, or flat-out stupidity. I take little issue with people who disagree with me - though I may come across as self-righteous, that's never my intent, and as far as it goes in my mind, it's never reflective of my actual state of mind, either. It's hard when you see people you know deciding on the course of their lives after being swayed by one individual's life view, though. I dunno. I'm babbling.

I also want to apologize now, either after having messed things up or in advance of when I surely will mess things up. I am confident in my perspectives, I am confident in myself, and I am confident in my ability to work my gifts/talents in such a way that I can help others. That means that I come across strong sometimes, and despite my good intentions I will butt heads with people. I wish people could see into my heart when that happens, because I hate contention (that seems silly). I'm always well-intentioned, I just tend to come across wrong and mess things up periodically. I guess I need to work on balancing my life a bit more than I thought.

It's a really interesting predicament to be in. I'm simultaneously having some of the best and hardest days recently. Things with Salad are progressing slowly but surely. I wish I could pick up the pace, but I'm a faithful realist, and I'm content 'knowing' that it will work out but not putting a timeframe on it. At the same time, school is kicking my butt from time to time, and I seem to be offending the people I love and care about, and I feel more or less inept at being able to help them. Maybe I should be less worried about helping them and more worried about shutting up. Only that tactic hasn't worked well in my relationship with my brother. Despite our proximity and recent interactions, I think I feel farther from him than ever before. And Salad assures me that I shouldn't come out to him right now due to circumstances that she's not at liberty to share with me. *sigh* Can't life ever be straightforward?

(PS I bumped Salad's very good continued post on our history down, so don't miss it!)

~drex