spirit or irrational obsession?

I had two bad days in a row, which doesn't often happen to me. They had me melancholy, retracted, confused, and frustrated enough that I have spent some small amount of time trying to figure out the root cause rather than just waiting for the feeling of gloom to pass. Typically my psychological makeup is such that things just roll off my back and I can move on with life, but when things stick I know there's something up. There's also the fact that a stupor of thought typically leaves me with similar feelings of confusion and frustration, so there's the possibility that there's something the Spirit wants me to do differently.

Salad has talked to me before about the bone-deep desire she has to teach, and how frustrating it is that she can't find a teaching job. Some measure of that desire blindsided me on Wednesday, except that my passion and my desire lie in singing. I have been taking voice lessons for quite a while, I've been in choirs since high school, and it's typically been enough for me. All of a sudden I have this ache to do something with my singing, though. I don't know that being in choir will be enough to fill it. It's like...I want to be in a musical, or working on writing music specific to me, that I could sing and that would be mine.

Part of my frustration is that I buried my dreams of musical grandeur a while back. Music is not a logical career path, so I convinced myself that I wasn't going to pursue it as anything more than a side hobby. Part of that was reasoning that choir was okay, because it was a joint commitment between all the members of the choir, but that any solo pursuits were essentially pointless. Two days of frustration have thrown all of that out of whack in my mind. Why not do more with what I have? Would it have to be to the exclusion of more logical pursuits, or could they be done at the same time? Would it be wrong or selfish of me to want to pursue music with a bit more gusto? And if I did decide to do more with music right now, how would I go about it? I don't know the first thing about the things that would probably satiate this feeling.

And then I have to wonder if this is really Spirit spurring me on, like it mostly feels like, or if it's my own obsessive nature shining through randomly. And is there a whole lot more to my melancholy and overall feeling of BLAH, or is this the root of the problem? Am I spinning my wheels even thinking about it?

Meh.

In other news, Hairspray was fantastic, fabulous, and amazing.

vacation: days 3-5 - san fran & fremont

day 3 - san fran (saturday april 28 2007)

Saturday morning began bright and early - we headed up from San Jose to Fremont to catch the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) from Fremont at 8:30ish. We grabbed some bagels along the way, clambered on the train, and headed into the city. We decided to hit up the shops in Chinatown first. We were scheduled to meet with some of my online friends from a forum at 11:00, so we meandered around for the time leading up to it. My friends were a bit late (about an hour because of construction and traffic issues), but showed up and we went to dim sum at a Chinese place with them. I think Salad will have to meta-post on this in the comments for a more in-depth or American look at Chinatown, because I grew up visiting my mom's family in the Chinatown in Brooklyn (I'm half Chinese). It was fun and reminiscent of other times, but mostly unremarkable to me. A bit touristy (read: very touristy). After dim sum we went intoa few more shops, then ran off to catch a bus. In the ensuing hulabaloo, my online friends got ditched, leaving me in a bit of a sour mood, and we headed off to Ghirardelli Square. We got the free chocolate, then walked down to Fisherman's Wharf, walked along the water area to Pier 39 where we saw a dock full of sea lions (which I brilliantly called mountain lions while bragging to Bob about being in the middle of San Fran), and took a rail thing over to Union Square. We hit up another Rasputin (Hidden was bent on getting that last DVD of an anime he liked), then caught the BART back to Fremont and the car. Dinner was Panera (mmm Panera), we went shoe shopping for Vanessa, and headed down to the third (and final) Rasputin (where Hidden still failed to find the last DVD). Then off to bed again.

day 4 - fremont (sunday april 29 2007)

Sunday was amazing for me. Probably a little bit less so for Salad, but it might have been my favorite day of the vacation. Salad and I left early to get to church in Fremont. We made it in record time (I didn't know how much Sunday morning traffic to account for) and ended up at the chapel about 50 minutes early for the 9:00 sacrament meeting. We roamed the halls and I showed the wonders of huge California chapels to Salad (2 chapels, 1.5 gyms, 2 kitchens, 2 relief society rooms, an elevator to the 2nd floor with about 40 classrooms, 2 libraries, etc.). People started showing up, and I got some really classic double-takes. Now, I spent 15 months total in this ward. I was part of the ward. I loved the people there, and had gotten to know many of them on a fairly personal level. That said, I didn't expect too many people to remember me very vividly. It had been over a year, after all. Much to my surprise, pretty much everyone remembered me, and the outpouring of love was huge. I don't want to come across as prideful or conceited, but I was a dang good missionary in that ward, and the members knew it. Anyway, everyone would ask Salad if she sang before they'd ask anything else. I sang in Sacrament meeting in that ward probably no less than 13 times. The bishop even asked if I would be singing anything in the meetings, but we hadn't planned ahead for it, so I said no. As luck would have it (of course), the girl who was supposed to do the musical number ran in semi-frantic, saying that she couldn't play the song because she hadn't finished learning it. The first counselor turned to me (5 minutes before the start of church, mind you) and asked if I would be willing to sing. Who am I to turn down a coincidence in church? So I sang "I Need Thee Every Hour" almost straight from the hymnbook, and it was awesome.

The best part of sacrament meeting, though, was the involvement of some key individuals. One of my converts, who I baptized when he was 11, was preparing the sacrament. Another of my converts was passing the sacrament. One of the kids that I did new member discussions for and kept active was passing the sacament as well. And another kid that I did new member discussions for and that we kept very involved got his mission call that week. A bunch of my converts were there and strong, and most of my favorite members were there as well. One of my favorite converts made the trip up to Fremont specifically to see me, despite having moved to another area. It was amazing, the Spirit was so strong, and I was nearly moved to tears many times.

The rest of the meetings were fairly nondescript. We went to the Chinese Sunday school and I translated everything for Salad. Priesthood was surprisingly good (I forgot what good Priesthood meetings were like), even if I had to conduct the music for opening exercises (they have a sense of humor in Fremont). After church, the Chinese group put together a potluck dinner at one of the member's houses, so we headed over there and got to eat a sampling of much of the best Chinese food you can get. I got to sit down and talk to a lot of the people I missed so much, and even got to horse around with all the little kids that were off limits as a missionary.

After the potluck we hung out with some of the people and eventually took a nap on the couch. When dinnertime rolled around we went down to Cupertino, the other area I served in, to eat with the former branch mission leader. Apparently the little branch in which I started my mission, which had averaged about 30-35 members at sacrament meeting when I got there and had 45-50 when I left was averaging over 70 people a week, and they were considering moving it to another building and breaking its dependence on the English ward. Going back to my old stomping grounds was a huge booster for me - to see that the work had continued forward and that the people that I had worked so hard with were still strong was amazing to me.

day 5 - fremont revisited (monday april 30 2007)

Monday was probably really boring for Salad. For the late morning/early afternoon, we perused Asian stores, bought and ate Chinese pastries and a boba drink, had In-N-Out again, and kept ourselves busy. Around 2:00 we headed off to my favorite member's house for the rest of the day. I had done a lot of music with her and had baptized her three kids. We did a bunch of music (she played, I sang), I showed her a bunch of the recordings I'd done over the past 2 years, and she made my absolute favorite dinner, chinese beef noodles. It was just as good as I remembered. She also had some authentic Taiwanese pastries (brought from Taiwan that weekend by her husband) and some other Asian desserts and such. When we left that night, she sent us off with a box full of treats. From there we headed into San Jose to pick Hidden up from dinner, and we drove back to Utah. It was a very long drive back, but we got back in one piece and without incident.

It was a tiring trip, but so good for me. I loved it, and had a great time, and hope to be able to do something like it again next year. That's about it.

~drex

drex, pots, and heroes

First off, today I explain where the name 'drex' comes from, because a few of you have asked. When I was in sixth grade, some friends and I decided that we were going to make a video game. We created concepts for the world, characters with backstories and subplots, and overarching plot to drive the storyline, a magic system, a battle system, and even went so far as to compose character themes and overworld music. Yes, we were nerds in the greatest sense, attempting to put together an RPG. Of the characters created, we each created a character that were essentially avatars of ourselves. My character was named Drex, a shortened form of a street near where I lived, Drexel Drive. Since that time, I have used Drex as my online moniker everywhere I go. I have a significant presence in some circles, and my name is widely known. In some ways it's a 'risk' attaching it to this blog, but I've determined that the barriers between my many lives or personalities ought to be more blurred than I've kept them. For years I maintained a real life persona, and online persona, and my secret gay persona. There are aspects that I like and value in each of those personalities, and there are aspects that I don't care for all that much. I've been trying to reconcile it all and pick out the best parts and make them mine, so I can be one full me. It seems to be going fairly well, for the most part.

I'm so glad I didn't skip my philosophy class today. My teacher invited an eccentric teacher friend of his to come in and speak to us, showing how philosophy can be more a way of life than a method of thinking. This man was weird, but he was incredible. He's a potter (he's been commissioned by the Church to do pottery for some of the historical sites and such, so the next time you visit a church history site and see pottery up on the walls or a glazed porcelain pitcher on the heavy wood table, think that he might have made it) in addition to being a high school teacher (and he taught at BYU in the 70's), and he brought his pottery wheel to include sort of an object lesson. He spent some time shaping clay, showing us different forms of clay, explaining differences between clays and what has to be done to create something out of clay. He was extremely adept with his hands, did some beautiful work, and ended up making a really spiffy pot with a cobalt glaze along the outside.

One of the things he touched on was the difference between the clay that makes porcelain, stoneware, and earthenware. All three types of clay are formed over ages, with erosion taking off microscopic pieces of granite and accumulating together. Clay cannot be made by man, because we simply can't form pieces of granite a quarter of a micron thick. At least I think that was the measurement he quoted. Anyway, all three types of clay are the same material. The difference is how far they stray from the rock, and therefore how many contaminants are with them. Primary clay, used to make porcelain, remains close to the origin and has few contaminants; the clay that makes stoneware has more contaminants, and the clay that makes earthenware has many contaminants. And I hope I'm spelling that right. Anyway, earthenware is heated to 1800 degrees to bake, stoneware to 2100 degrees, and porcelain to 2400-2700 degrees. If earthenware is heated above 1800 degrees, it melts into a puddle. Likewise, stoneware heated above 2100 degrees melts. The correllation isn't too much of a stretch - as we stray from the rock, our origin, we pick up contaminants, and those impurities means that we cannot withstand greater heat and end up as lesser forms of what we could have been. Porcelain can be heated to lower temperatures, and so celestial beings can minister to lesser beings. Earthenware melts at porcelain temperatures, and so telestial beings cannot withstand the glory of the celestial kingdom.

This wasn't discussed in class, but the beauty of our situation, mirroring the clay example but straying a bit from the strict analogy, is that the Atonement and repentance can rid us of impurities. Christ has made it possible for those of us who stray to be able to pick ourselves up, rid ourselves of our contaminants, and move ourselves back to the source.

That's where the analogy ends and I opine some more along some lines that Hidden talked to me about a few months ago. Sometimes we see SSA as a trial, and other times as a blessing. Another perspective is that it is expanded agency. We are given an entirely different set of choices that the 'normal' person doesn't have. Granted, a faithful Latter-day Saint views the choices that are opened to us as inherently wrong, but the choice is there. Heavenly Father entrusts us with more choices, and it is up to us to choose liberty and eternal life through Christ or captivity and eternal death through the devil. We know what God wants us to do, what He hopes we will choose. We were given the choice because we have the capacity to choose right. And yet we are not compelled to act, and compulsory means are not used to force our hands. We are trusted. It is understood that sometimes we will falter, and occasionally some may fall off the strait and narrow path, but that is the purpose of the Atonement - to lift us up out of the mists of darkness, to dispel the misunderstanding, to clean us off and place us right back on the path of righteousness. The way is simple, though not always easy. We even have an iron rod to remind us where we're supposed to go and to help us put one foot in front of the other. I know I'm mixing some metaphors, but it makes sense to me.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? (2 Nephi 4:26)

Sometimes I need days like today and glimpses into eternity like this to keep me going. I didn't think I needed it today, but if the Lord sees fit to distill some dew and grant me some understanding, however faint, I'll take it.

~drex

PS, we have heard back from a handful of you about our Heroes marathon, and those of you whom we have met and added on Facebook have been invited on there as well. We'd love to see even more of you, so if you have the time to drop in at any point between 4:30 and 1:30, feel free. We've got 14 people for sure coming at some point (I think 5 or 6 of those are only coming for portions), with 2 maybes. If I'm remembering correctly. At any rate, it'll be fun times. We will be starting from episode 10, but we'll preface it with a recap and interpretive dance so anyone who hasn't seen the first 9 can be up to speed.

the easiness of the way

First off, I apologize if this comes across as preachy to anyone - it's not my intent to make anyone line up directly with my personal beliefs and experiences, but rather I feel like this insight is important enough both to record for my own benefit, and to share with others if they care. This connection has been stewing in my mind for a while now - I've read over the passages in my personal study and in my scripture study with Salad in the last few weeks, and they clicked together the second time through. I've been trying to figure out how to convey the power of the connection I saw. Here are the passages:

...he saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree. (1 Ne 8:30)

What meaneth the rod of iron which [Lehi] saw, that led to the tree?
...it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.(1 Ne 15:23-24)

...and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished. (1 Ne 17:41)

The connection seems obvious, and most people have probably already figured this out, but it really struck me this time through, and I did a small evaluation of my recent life. Before a few weeks ago, though I'd cracked open my scriptures periodically I hadn't established a firm schedule for scripture study, and whenever I tried things would get in the way. I'd easily rationalize missing a day and making it up later (which rarely happened). This time, I've been much more consistent - though I'm only partway through 2 Nephi and though Salad and I only just finished 1 Nephi tonight, there's been a difference. I haven't missed a single day of personal scripture study since I began, and Salad and I have missed two days due to curfew, but made them up the next day in both instances. What really interests me, though, is how much easier it is to face temptation when I've got my scripture study going. I taught that to people all the time, but I guess I never actually internalized it with anything other than my mind. I wasn't convinced it was true. It really is, though.

The words of the Lord as contained in His scriptures have a power in them to change lives and to influence people. A concerted effort to study the scriptures personally allows one an extra layer of protection against the adversary. It's not foolproof, it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card, but it lends you strength and brings you that much closer to the Spirit. How often do we forget in our angsty, internally focused lives and through our trials that we have the words of God available to us? A commonly-used cliche' Mormon concept is that to talk to God we pray, and to listen to God we read our scriptures. On a very simple level, it's true. There's obviously more to listening to God than just reading our scriptures, but it's an important step to finding the will of God and finding the strength to align ourselves to it.

That's about all. PS is anyone else excited for Conference? My psych stats teacher said that two of the Apostles, while reorganizing stakes in the Utah Valley area, said that this Conference will be Historic with a capital H. My stats professor then spread the rumor that they're getting rid of Sunday School and going to a 2-hour block of meetings. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm pretty sure my testimony would be strengthened if that happened. ;)

~drex