the doctrine of letting go

This is the slightly altered text of a talk I gave in church on Sunday. It's watered down from my original train of thought, as the original thrust of it would have been given from a predominantly moho perspective. What I said was intended to be a bit more general. As such, it's also what I consider an unfinished work - I intend to continue studying the subject until I have a firmer grasp on what I'm looking at. Also please keep in mind that I am neither scriptorian nor public speaker, and I much of what I say is based on opinions, though my opinions represent strong personal convictions. Also, sorry it's so long. If you are an impatient person, please ignore this post. (:

Something that I’ve been pondering a lot recently is what I refer to as the “doctrine of letting go.” It’s a subject inspired by an especially powerful fireside speaker a few months ago, and it’s been percolating in my mind since then. It’s a multi-faceted aspect of the gospel, covering many areas of belief and devotion.

The topic has been approached from many angles, with some widely covering it while others focus on individual aspects. It has been referenced as surrendering, submitting, or consecrating, in part. The idea is that there are things that we ought to be giving up into the care of the Lord that we instead hold on and cling to – and that according to the precepts of the gospel, we should be developing ways to let go of those things. Of course there are many things that we ought to surrender to the Lord. The aspects of the doctrine of letting go that I have been examining are in reference to sins, will, and trials.

Letting go of sin is probably the most widely approached aspect of this doctrine. It is arguably the most visible component of the atonement of Christ (second only, perhaps, to the victory over the grave). The well-known verse in Doctrine and Covenants 19:16 states that “I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent.” One of the direct benefits of letting go of one’s sins is the evasion of the suffering for them. It is generally considered that sin is one of the main topics of the similarly famous verse in Mosiah 3, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patent, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19). The relinquishing of sin and surrendering of will effects a “mighty change” in a person, producing a saint who exhibits Christlike attributes like love, patience, humility, and meekness. Neal A. Maxwell warns,

'Mighty' changing, however, is mighty hard work, a labor made more difficult by heeding the unflattering urges of the natural man. Too often our possibilities have been muted by the mundane....Of course we cannot fully comprehend all this right now! Of course we cannot know the meaning of all things right now. But we can know, right now, that God knows us and loves us individually!
But, brothers and sisters, what keeps us from knowing and loving Him more? Our reluctance to give away all our sins—thinking, instead, a down payment will do. Likewise, our reluctance to let our wills be swallowed up in His will—thinking, instead, that merely acknowledging His will is sufficient! (see Mosiah 15:7). (Neal A. Maxwell, “Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Liahona, Nov 2002, 16–18.)

Thus we come upon some of the obstacles to letting go of our sins and our wills. One of the first is the natural inclination to withhold a part of one’s inner self. We make excuses, claiming that such things are what make us unique, or distinct. And yet our individuality actually remains intact as we become more like Jesus. Another stumbling block to letting go is an unwillingness to confront what we lack – an inability to admit fault. This barrier to letting go is founded in pride, and tangent to it is the tendency to deflect the importance of something in order to pass it off for work at a later time. Sometimes we are plagued by selfishness, a lack of proper perspective, or even a lack of faith which keeps us from letting go. It is difficult to let go of something when perspective does not grant that that thing is wrong. Likewise, there is no point in surrendering something to someone who is not powerful enough to help. Perspective and faith are vital to letting go.

Elder Maxwell states again:

In pondering and pursuing consecration [or, letting go], understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, ‘My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part!
“Having our wills increasingly swallowed up by the will of the Father actually means an enhanced individuality, stretched and more capable of receiving ‘all that [God] hath’ (D&C 84:38). Besides, how could we be entrusted with His ‘all’ until our wills are much more like His? Nor could His ‘all’ be fully appreciated by the partially committed. (Neal A. Maxwell, “Consecrate Thy Performance,” Liahona, Jul 2002, 39-42.)

The most overlooked aspect of the doctrine of letting go, in my opinion, is that of letting go of trials. Perhaps this is a more difficult aspect of doctrine to understand, or perhaps it is our independent natures that keep us from wanting to entrust our trials to something else. Often I think it is a warped understanding of the aim of the test of life. While we have been sent here to be tested, Heavenly Father by no means wants us to go through our tests alone. Even if all others seemingly abandon us, the Lord is always there to lean upon and to look towards. The trials that face us, while individually tailored, are not necessarily meant to be tackled alone. Did not the Lord say “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt 11:28-30)? Alma said that he “…desire[d] that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith….And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will” (Alma 33:23).

More from Elder Maxwell:

We tend to think of consecration [or letting go] only as yielding up, when divinely directed, our material possessions. But ultimate consecration is the yielding up of oneself to God. Heart, soul, and mind were the encompassing words of Christ in describing the first commandment, which is constantly, not periodically, operative (see Matt. 22:37). If kept, then our performances will, in turn, be fully consecrated for the lasting welfare of our souls (see 2 Ne. 32:9).
Such totality involves the submissive converging of feelings, thoughts, words, and deeds, the very opposite of estrangement. ("Consecrate Thy Performance")
Regarding trials, including of our faith and patience, there are no exemptions—only variations (see Mosiah 23:21). These calisthenics are designed to increase our capacity for happiness and service. Yet the faithful will not be totally immune from the events on this planet.
Therefore, we can be troubled on every side, but nothing can really separate us from the love of Christ (see 2 Cor. 4:8; Rom. 8:35–39); ... Even so, as Peter urged, we can and should cast our cares upon the Lord, because He surely cares for us! (see 1 Pet. 5:7). Oh, brothers and sisters, the awaiting emancipation of such trusting surrender! ("Encircled in the Arms of His Love")

The scripture that Elder Maxwell referenced was 1 Peter 5:6-7, which reads, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” Many interpret this verse as meaning that Christ cares about us and takes care of us. However, from the context and with a tip from the original Greek, the meaning is more along the lines of Christ already doing the caring for us. We can surrender our concerns to the Lord, because he does all of our concerning! Obviously this doesn’t meant that we don’t do anything about the trials that face us, but rather it means that if we are doing that which is in our power, and if we are keeping ourselves as aligned with the will of God as we can, that we needn’t worry ourselves over the trials we face, because God will take care of us.

I have many personal experiences with letting go of my trials, and I'd like to share one of them. Leading up to my mission, my entire life I'd been the shining example of gospel living. I was a 'spiritual giant,' well-versed in scripture and doctrine. I had a strong testimony of what I felt to be true. That testimony was earned, and I was forced to stand up for myself due to the area in which I lived and the circumstances in which I found myself. Knowing the gospel has never been a question for me. Other things have - the semester before my mission, I felt prompted to take Mandarin 101 at BYU. I thought, hey, this can't be so bad. My cousin learned Chinese, and I'm half Chinese, and even if my family doesn't speak the same dialect, it's sure to help, right?

I got a D that semester.

And so when the call invariably came to preach the gospel in Mandarin Chinese, I knew it wouldn't be me doing the learning in the MTC. Alone, I was powerless. With the Lord's help, I would be capable of great things. And so when I got to the MTC, it was a great surprise, a stunning miracle, and an obvious blessing that the language came easily to me. In fact, I picked it up faster than anyone else in my district. It was almost natural. My entrusting my trial to the Lord paid off.

That wasn't the extent of it, though, because I hadn't fully learned my lesson. One of the first teaching opportunities I had was teaching my afternoon teacher a discussion with my MTC companion. It was even in English. We prepared, and we tried to teach, but it was a fantastically horrible experience. The Spirit wasn't there, we couldn't figure out what to say, and my teacher was dozing off while we were teaching. It was horrendous, and we all knew it didn't go well. That night as I knelt to pray, I pleaded to know what went wrong, and what I should have done differently.

Now, when I learn scriptures, I remember them by their position on the page and by the markings I put on them. I have a hard time remembering references. And so when a scripture reference popped into my head, I knew it wasn't just my own recollecting. I felt urged to look up Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” My confidence in my own knowledge of the gospel and what I figured was inherent ability to teach it was my downfall that day. I strived to change my ways, and while I will never claim that I was the most masterful missionary or teacher, I was successful, and I had the Spirit with me. Letting go of my trials and trusting the Lord with control made the difference for me.

As we face trials that are specifically tailored to our individual life experiences, we sometimes feel to play the martyr. We feel that the trials given to us are too hard to bear, an unfair lot, or somehow more than we deserve. As a loving Father in Heaven, we know that God will not tempt us above that we are able – this extends to trials, as well. We will not be tried beyond what we are capable of handling. Our trials are also there to help mold us into the children of God that we ought to be. Letting go of trials not only means trusting the Lord to help us through, but trusting that He knows best what we need, that He knows us better even than we know ourselves, and “that all these things shall give [us] experience, and shall be for [our] good” (D&C 122:7). Our experiences shape who we are, and by letting go of our sins, our wills, and our trials, we allow ourselves to be shaped like the Savior. As we overcome the stumbling blocks and obstacles that stand in our way, and as we earnestly strive to consecrate ourselves to the Lord, “we shall see him as he is” and “we shall be like him” (1 John 3:2).

It is my testimony that “letting go” is of great importance to us in our endeavors to be like Christ and to progress in this life.

~drex

vacation: days 3-5 - san fran & fremont

day 3 - san fran (saturday april 28 2007)

Saturday morning began bright and early - we headed up from San Jose to Fremont to catch the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) from Fremont at 8:30ish. We grabbed some bagels along the way, clambered on the train, and headed into the city. We decided to hit up the shops in Chinatown first. We were scheduled to meet with some of my online friends from a forum at 11:00, so we meandered around for the time leading up to it. My friends were a bit late (about an hour because of construction and traffic issues), but showed up and we went to dim sum at a Chinese place with them. I think Salad will have to meta-post on this in the comments for a more in-depth or American look at Chinatown, because I grew up visiting my mom's family in the Chinatown in Brooklyn (I'm half Chinese). It was fun and reminiscent of other times, but mostly unremarkable to me. A bit touristy (read: very touristy). After dim sum we went intoa few more shops, then ran off to catch a bus. In the ensuing hulabaloo, my online friends got ditched, leaving me in a bit of a sour mood, and we headed off to Ghirardelli Square. We got the free chocolate, then walked down to Fisherman's Wharf, walked along the water area to Pier 39 where we saw a dock full of sea lions (which I brilliantly called mountain lions while bragging to Bob about being in the middle of San Fran), and took a rail thing over to Union Square. We hit up another Rasputin (Hidden was bent on getting that last DVD of an anime he liked), then caught the BART back to Fremont and the car. Dinner was Panera (mmm Panera), we went shoe shopping for Vanessa, and headed down to the third (and final) Rasputin (where Hidden still failed to find the last DVD). Then off to bed again.

day 4 - fremont (sunday april 29 2007)

Sunday was amazing for me. Probably a little bit less so for Salad, but it might have been my favorite day of the vacation. Salad and I left early to get to church in Fremont. We made it in record time (I didn't know how much Sunday morning traffic to account for) and ended up at the chapel about 50 minutes early for the 9:00 sacrament meeting. We roamed the halls and I showed the wonders of huge California chapels to Salad (2 chapels, 1.5 gyms, 2 kitchens, 2 relief society rooms, an elevator to the 2nd floor with about 40 classrooms, 2 libraries, etc.). People started showing up, and I got some really classic double-takes. Now, I spent 15 months total in this ward. I was part of the ward. I loved the people there, and had gotten to know many of them on a fairly personal level. That said, I didn't expect too many people to remember me very vividly. It had been over a year, after all. Much to my surprise, pretty much everyone remembered me, and the outpouring of love was huge. I don't want to come across as prideful or conceited, but I was a dang good missionary in that ward, and the members knew it. Anyway, everyone would ask Salad if she sang before they'd ask anything else. I sang in Sacrament meeting in that ward probably no less than 13 times. The bishop even asked if I would be singing anything in the meetings, but we hadn't planned ahead for it, so I said no. As luck would have it (of course), the girl who was supposed to do the musical number ran in semi-frantic, saying that she couldn't play the song because she hadn't finished learning it. The first counselor turned to me (5 minutes before the start of church, mind you) and asked if I would be willing to sing. Who am I to turn down a coincidence in church? So I sang "I Need Thee Every Hour" almost straight from the hymnbook, and it was awesome.

The best part of sacrament meeting, though, was the involvement of some key individuals. One of my converts, who I baptized when he was 11, was preparing the sacrament. Another of my converts was passing the sacrament. One of the kids that I did new member discussions for and kept active was passing the sacament as well. And another kid that I did new member discussions for and that we kept very involved got his mission call that week. A bunch of my converts were there and strong, and most of my favorite members were there as well. One of my favorite converts made the trip up to Fremont specifically to see me, despite having moved to another area. It was amazing, the Spirit was so strong, and I was nearly moved to tears many times.

The rest of the meetings were fairly nondescript. We went to the Chinese Sunday school and I translated everything for Salad. Priesthood was surprisingly good (I forgot what good Priesthood meetings were like), even if I had to conduct the music for opening exercises (they have a sense of humor in Fremont). After church, the Chinese group put together a potluck dinner at one of the member's houses, so we headed over there and got to eat a sampling of much of the best Chinese food you can get. I got to sit down and talk to a lot of the people I missed so much, and even got to horse around with all the little kids that were off limits as a missionary.

After the potluck we hung out with some of the people and eventually took a nap on the couch. When dinnertime rolled around we went down to Cupertino, the other area I served in, to eat with the former branch mission leader. Apparently the little branch in which I started my mission, which had averaged about 30-35 members at sacrament meeting when I got there and had 45-50 when I left was averaging over 70 people a week, and they were considering moving it to another building and breaking its dependence on the English ward. Going back to my old stomping grounds was a huge booster for me - to see that the work had continued forward and that the people that I had worked so hard with were still strong was amazing to me.

day 5 - fremont revisited (monday april 30 2007)

Monday was probably really boring for Salad. For the late morning/early afternoon, we perused Asian stores, bought and ate Chinese pastries and a boba drink, had In-N-Out again, and kept ourselves busy. Around 2:00 we headed off to my favorite member's house for the rest of the day. I had done a lot of music with her and had baptized her three kids. We did a bunch of music (she played, I sang), I showed her a bunch of the recordings I'd done over the past 2 years, and she made my absolute favorite dinner, chinese beef noodles. It was just as good as I remembered. She also had some authentic Taiwanese pastries (brought from Taiwan that weekend by her husband) and some other Asian desserts and such. When we left that night, she sent us off with a box full of treats. From there we headed into San Jose to pick Hidden up from dinner, and we drove back to Utah. It was a very long drive back, but we got back in one piece and without incident.

It was a tiring trip, but so good for me. I loved it, and had a great time, and hope to be able to do something like it again next year. That's about it.

~drex

happy easter!

Looks like yesterday's "Bradley" is now Calvin. Just as a heads-up. (:

I had a fun, relaxing day, and we even got to barbecue at Judith's place. I really miss easy access to a barbecue, so it was a nice change, and good food. I finally got to feed my craving for chocolate chip cookies by making a nice double batch. I had wanted to do it for the Heroes party, but there just wasn't enough time with the papers and homework I had to get done the entire week prior. Salad and I had a nice open discussion tonight as well. I don't know how people can keep relationships afloat without good communication. One of the things that came up are my personal walls and boundaries that keep aspects of me from coming to the surface, but that's really a subject for a future blog entry.

So since it's Easter, I got to thinking about the holiday and what makes it unique. I mean, it's obvious that we're celebrating the resurrection of Christ, but I was curious what made the holiday feel different. I came to the conclusion that everything surrounding the religious aspects and origins of the holiday is connected to hope. It is obvious from passages in the New Testament that the apostles just didn't get that Jesus had to die. Peripheral to that, I'm sure all of Christ's followers were pretty much flummoxed by the turn of events - from unfair trials and unruly mobs to the suffering on Calvary and the burial in the tomb, it must have really torn them up. The man that they believed to be the Son of God had just been killed by the government and ruling religious leaders. Their master and teacher was dead. It must have been an incredibly depressing and downcast few days.

Then suddenly Mary spoke with him. Then he appeared to the apostles. Understanding dawned. He was not dead, but was risen. The plan of God was not foiled, and evil had not triumphed. Better yet and more importantly, the Atonement was complete, and hope was given to a world of sinners and people who fall short of the glory of God. Death was overcome, and repentance made possible. Because Christ died, in Christ we may all be made alive, and be partakers of the gift.

In a world where terror dominates our news channels, where politics supercede religion, where diseases run rampant, crimes and atrocities are committed, and seemingly unbearable trials are faced, shouldered, and carried, we are reminded of the hope that comes through the Savior of the world. Christ lives, and He died for us. And beyond that, he made it possible that we can each be clean from not only the sins of the world but our individual sins as well.

Hope permeates every important aspect of Easter for me. I never really noticed it until I sat down and thought about it today. It's in the Easter hymns and children's songs, in the scriptures, in the Easter stories, and in the works of art. And it's in the spirit of the holiday, and in the Spirit. So at this time when we celebrate both the birth and the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, have hope! There's plenty of it in the Lord.

drex, pots, and heroes

First off, today I explain where the name 'drex' comes from, because a few of you have asked. When I was in sixth grade, some friends and I decided that we were going to make a video game. We created concepts for the world, characters with backstories and subplots, and overarching plot to drive the storyline, a magic system, a battle system, and even went so far as to compose character themes and overworld music. Yes, we were nerds in the greatest sense, attempting to put together an RPG. Of the characters created, we each created a character that were essentially avatars of ourselves. My character was named Drex, a shortened form of a street near where I lived, Drexel Drive. Since that time, I have used Drex as my online moniker everywhere I go. I have a significant presence in some circles, and my name is widely known. In some ways it's a 'risk' attaching it to this blog, but I've determined that the barriers between my many lives or personalities ought to be more blurred than I've kept them. For years I maintained a real life persona, and online persona, and my secret gay persona. There are aspects that I like and value in each of those personalities, and there are aspects that I don't care for all that much. I've been trying to reconcile it all and pick out the best parts and make them mine, so I can be one full me. It seems to be going fairly well, for the most part.

I'm so glad I didn't skip my philosophy class today. My teacher invited an eccentric teacher friend of his to come in and speak to us, showing how philosophy can be more a way of life than a method of thinking. This man was weird, but he was incredible. He's a potter (he's been commissioned by the Church to do pottery for some of the historical sites and such, so the next time you visit a church history site and see pottery up on the walls or a glazed porcelain pitcher on the heavy wood table, think that he might have made it) in addition to being a high school teacher (and he taught at BYU in the 70's), and he brought his pottery wheel to include sort of an object lesson. He spent some time shaping clay, showing us different forms of clay, explaining differences between clays and what has to be done to create something out of clay. He was extremely adept with his hands, did some beautiful work, and ended up making a really spiffy pot with a cobalt glaze along the outside.

One of the things he touched on was the difference between the clay that makes porcelain, stoneware, and earthenware. All three types of clay are formed over ages, with erosion taking off microscopic pieces of granite and accumulating together. Clay cannot be made by man, because we simply can't form pieces of granite a quarter of a micron thick. At least I think that was the measurement he quoted. Anyway, all three types of clay are the same material. The difference is how far they stray from the rock, and therefore how many contaminants are with them. Primary clay, used to make porcelain, remains close to the origin and has few contaminants; the clay that makes stoneware has more contaminants, and the clay that makes earthenware has many contaminants. And I hope I'm spelling that right. Anyway, earthenware is heated to 1800 degrees to bake, stoneware to 2100 degrees, and porcelain to 2400-2700 degrees. If earthenware is heated above 1800 degrees, it melts into a puddle. Likewise, stoneware heated above 2100 degrees melts. The correllation isn't too much of a stretch - as we stray from the rock, our origin, we pick up contaminants, and those impurities means that we cannot withstand greater heat and end up as lesser forms of what we could have been. Porcelain can be heated to lower temperatures, and so celestial beings can minister to lesser beings. Earthenware melts at porcelain temperatures, and so telestial beings cannot withstand the glory of the celestial kingdom.

This wasn't discussed in class, but the beauty of our situation, mirroring the clay example but straying a bit from the strict analogy, is that the Atonement and repentance can rid us of impurities. Christ has made it possible for those of us who stray to be able to pick ourselves up, rid ourselves of our contaminants, and move ourselves back to the source.

That's where the analogy ends and I opine some more along some lines that Hidden talked to me about a few months ago. Sometimes we see SSA as a trial, and other times as a blessing. Another perspective is that it is expanded agency. We are given an entirely different set of choices that the 'normal' person doesn't have. Granted, a faithful Latter-day Saint views the choices that are opened to us as inherently wrong, but the choice is there. Heavenly Father entrusts us with more choices, and it is up to us to choose liberty and eternal life through Christ or captivity and eternal death through the devil. We know what God wants us to do, what He hopes we will choose. We were given the choice because we have the capacity to choose right. And yet we are not compelled to act, and compulsory means are not used to force our hands. We are trusted. It is understood that sometimes we will falter, and occasionally some may fall off the strait and narrow path, but that is the purpose of the Atonement - to lift us up out of the mists of darkness, to dispel the misunderstanding, to clean us off and place us right back on the path of righteousness. The way is simple, though not always easy. We even have an iron rod to remind us where we're supposed to go and to help us put one foot in front of the other. I know I'm mixing some metaphors, but it makes sense to me.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? (2 Nephi 4:26)

Sometimes I need days like today and glimpses into eternity like this to keep me going. I didn't think I needed it today, but if the Lord sees fit to distill some dew and grant me some understanding, however faint, I'll take it.

~drex

PS, we have heard back from a handful of you about our Heroes marathon, and those of you whom we have met and added on Facebook have been invited on there as well. We'd love to see even more of you, so if you have the time to drop in at any point between 4:30 and 1:30, feel free. We've got 14 people for sure coming at some point (I think 5 or 6 of those are only coming for portions), with 2 maybes. If I'm remembering correctly. At any rate, it'll be fun times. We will be starting from episode 10, but we'll preface it with a recap and interpretive dance so anyone who hasn't seen the first 9 can be up to speed.

a merry matis fhe

Oh man, what a night. First off, work and school were both uneventful, other than getting back a failing grade on my latest psych stats quiz. That was a downer. Everything started looking up after that, though. Although I guess hanging out on the steps of the wilk in the sun and basking in the beautiful weather was pretty awesome, too. Anyway, I rushed home after class to get my fried rice finished up (Salad got everything started and I combined everything to finish it up) so that we'd be ready to go - today was the monthly Monday night visited to the Matis', and it was our first time. So Salad, Hidden, Mulan, Remus, and I all piled into the car and we took off to Lehi.

Brother and Sister Matis are awesome. It was international potluck night, and the turnout was huge. I don't know if it's always that big, but it was pretty packed. We had some fantastic food (dang, you mohos can cook ^_~) and made some new friends. It was good to see Pinetree, El Veneno, and AttemptingThePath again, and it was good to meet John and agirlwho as well. Were any of you other bloggers there? If so, sorry we missed you, and we'll have to catch you next time. Also met a cool new guy, whom I will henceforth refer to as "Xiaobei." He served in the same branch as some of my aunts and my grandmother, and recognized me from all the pictures and stories he was forced to sit through; apparently they were pretty proud of their missionary nephew, and went through great efforts to let the elders know how great I was. ;) So that was fun, and I made a new friend!

It was great to feel so open and able to be myself around so many people all at once. I'm fairly open anyway, but there is a measure of repression that just pervades everything around BYU when you're gay. I guess it's one of those natural byproducts of the environment of the university. Anyway, so the conversation and interactions were really fun for me. Honestly, who wouldn't want to hang out with such an awesome group of people? Socially I had an amazing time. Then there was the spiritual aspect - not everyone was in the right place at the right time, but some of us were downstairs with Brother and Sister Matis when they got on a tangent and started sharing experiences with us. Many of the stories they related don't appear in their book (In Quiet Desperation, for those (very) few of you not in the know (if you haven't heard of it, you're a disgrace and need to go undisgrace yourself by picking up a copy asap :P)) and had to do with Stuart and their interactions and relationship with him; other stories related to interactions with various General Authorities, especially Elder Holland, who is a driving force behind looking at homosexuality within the church. He is working to change homophobia within the church during his lifetime. The Spirit was so strong in that basement as we gathered around to hear Sister Matis relating her experiences. All the side conversations tapered off, and people just paid attention - it was a holy moment, and it was a great experience for me. They are such incredibly amazing and loving people, and I'm glad Sister Matis is a huggy person, because I definitely just wanted to give her a hug when all was said and done.

Another sister came for the first time tonight, and she related the story of her son and his struggles with SSA. She just seemed like a very solid, well-adjusted, and loving mother figure that wanted to help each and every one of us, and offered her name and phone number to anyone who wanted someone for their parents to speak with. Though my parents are coping well, I'm pretty sure my mom could use someone to talk to about everything, because right now I think she only has my dad. So I approached this sister afterwards and asked for her number and such so my mom could contact her. She definitely has a heart of gold. I'm so glad she came and offered her support.

Truly there are major things afoot. The tide is turning, and the Church as an institution is becoming more keenly aware of the plight of its gay members. And at BYU I think we're part of a microcosm of what's going on at large - what we're attempting with the administration deals with policy and governing a school population, and we can safely and unthreateningly work with them to achieve understanding, tolerance (for lack of a better term), and openness - all without attacking the Church or our belief system. From there, I think it will very visibly be an example of what can be accomplished within the Church. Not that the leaders of the church are out of touch - I believe it's quite the contrary - but that things can blossom out from what happens here at BYU. And I think we're right in the thick of it right now, and I'm so excited and happy to be part of it. We're actually in a position to make changes for good, and to show that being Mormon and being gay are not mutually exclusive aspects to one's identity, nor is it irreconcilable.

That's all.

~drex

god networks

A long and exhausting day punctuated by some brilliant flashes of light. Work was work, but my cross-cultural families class was not typical fare. We had a panel of two individuals from the Middle East - a Greek Orthodox guy from Jordan and a Sunni Muslim gal from Egypt. I don't have much respect for my teacher in terms of understanding culture and knowing how to phrase probing questions, but the panel was fantastic. I learned a lot from the answers they gave for our many questions, and while I realized I didn't understand the Islamic viewpoint, it was made abundantly clear how much I don't know. American Idol was really good, and Melinda Doolittle was AMAZING, as always. I would seriously buy her CD right now, and as soon as her eventual CD comes out, I will buy it the first day. Speaking of which, Elliott Yamin's first CD comes out on the 20th of this month....

Salad and I had our first scripture study session tonight. We're reading through the Book of Mormon, and I, at least, am focusing on highlighting and studying verses focusing on covenants and obedience. In my personal study I'm working on language and prayer, so it's looking to be pretty fun. We had an interesting time looking into what "overcome by the Spirit" means. We came to the conclusion (based mostly on reading from the footnotes for that particular phrase) that much of the time being overcome by the Spirit is an experience attached to being transfigured in order to see the face of God. Such is the case with Daniel, Moses, and Lehi. Other times we felt are likely just very spiritually-charged experiences that leave you feeling drained afterwards. I suppose it's possible that Ammon was so in-tune with the Spirit that meeting his brethren caused a transfigurative experience, but I doubt it.

So I've decided that God's a pretty smart guy (this in reference to the title of this entry). One of the things that Salad and I were marvelling over yesterday, and that I've continued to ponder since, is how intricately woven the web of our lives is, and just how much God sees and orchestrates ahead of time. It's testimony to me when I see how so many lines have come together right now, and to see the way that things are playing out. Seriously, looking at my life and the people and situations that are falling into it right now, you'd think that I am the main character in an exceedingly complex and coincidence-ridden novel. The timing is perfect - and here's a basic timeline:

Novemberish 2005, I decide to pursue someone other than Salad, leading to me coming out to her. From that point on, Salad does research into SSA, trying to understand everything. Over the summer of 2006, I finally get the answer of what I should study in school - psychology, with the express impression that I will be doing something to help fellow gay members of the church understand what they're feeling and how they can survive in what seems like an impossible condition to deal with. Then recently: Salad makes a deal with God - nothing's holding her here, so why stick around? Out of the blue, I tell Salad I want to give our relationship a shot - it felt right. Shortly thereafter, Salad gives me Hidden's email address, and we get together and talk. Hidden and I knew each other superficially from the mission, but aside from the casual greeting in the hallways of the JFSB and waving during Men's Chorus concerts, had little interaction. Hidden and I become instant friends, and I quickly become comfortable talking about things that I've understood about myself for years. Then my parents are in town for Joe's wedding, creating the opportune moment to come out to them. I decide to take it, enhancing my comfort level and opening up a new level of communication. Meanwhile Mulan is having some issues of her own, because a friend has come out to her. Just as Salad's getting pretty tired of not having anyone who can relate to her, Mulan tells her what's going on. Salad and I talk, I talk to Mulan that night and come out to her, and offer whatever meager suggestions, advice, and insight I can. Now Salad and Mulan each have someone with whom they can talk about the unique issues they face. Honestly, everything's falling into place in such an organized way - there's no doubt there's a force behind it. And I don't doubt that that force is God. It's nice to realize that I'm doing the right thing, and I have been so reassured by the Spirit recently. There's no silence from the heavens for me right now - I haven't felt the Spirit this often since the mission. It's a wonderfully liberating experience.

gospel perspective

It was a long day. Operating on less than three hours of sleep made things interesting, and the way the night is looking now I might not be in much of a better position tomorrow. I did get my history midterm finished, I had a productive voice lesson and an even more productive choir rehearsal, I hung out with Salad, Bob, Mulan, Judith, Romulus, and Remus (gosh I love coming up with pseudonyms =D), and Salad and I had a nice, long talk. About two hours long, and it had to happen in the car because it was too late to happen in one of our apartments. It was a good discussion, though, and was beneficial for both of us.

So I've found myself talking about gospel perspective a lot. I think it's the main thing that people lack when they become disenchanted with the church and when they choose to do things contrary to God's will. Part of who I am is that everything I do is done with the gospel in mind. Even when I do something wrong, it is knowing that there will be inevitable consequences for my actions. The gospel allows us to glimpse the eventual end of things. How much easier is it to deal with mortal life when you can honestly keep in your mind's eye the prospect of eternal life? Mortal life is insignificant when compared to the vast course that our eternal lives can take. Things we deal with in this life can be horrible, can be difficult, can be debilitating, and can just plain suck - but a gospel perspective allows us to see past it all. Gospel perspective helps us to see through the lies of the adversary as he attempts to subdue us. It helps us to push through temptation and reach towards righteous goals. It keeps us on the path that God has laid out for us. Gospel perspective is what keeps me safe day to day.

It hurts so much to see people struggling through hard times in life without maintaining a gospel perspective. God loves us and wants us to be happy and to fulfill the measure of our creation.

...with great mercies will I gather thee....with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord they Redeemer....For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.

3 Nephi 22:7-10

How long can rolling waters remain impure? What power shall stay the heavens? As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in it decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints.

D&C 121:33

and so it begins

I'm wondering if perhaps blogging would be a good outlet for some of my feelings. It's an interesting conundrum, because at one point I considered myself a decent writer. Those days have since passed, but I still enjoy the act of writing and getting my ideas out of my head and down somewhere more concrete. Helps me sort them out and figure out what's actually happening to me instead of just hypothesizing.

Then there's the fact that my journal-keeping has been sporadic at best, and non-existant at worst. We're definitely on the non-existant side right now, though I did write a long journal entry for memories' sake last week. I'll have to network out a bit to provide myself some outside source of motivation to get things written down. For some reason that tends to keep me going.

As this is my first entry, it will be a bit out of order with no backstory, but here's the thrust of what happened today. Omitting all boring details of everyday life, Heroes was fantastic despite the horrible cliffhanger and being informed that we have to wait until late April to watch more. The big stuff happened late tonight. Salad got to work, got online, and let me know that Mulan's friend also deals with SSA, and that Mulan's been researching. It seemed right to go talk to her tonight (and the Spirit confirmed it), so I went down and we talked for a while. About an hour and a half, actually. It was a good talk, and it helped me put some things into perspective. I hope it leads to additional talks in the future, because I feed off of interactions like that, where I can be myself and help someone at the same time. The give-and-take that happens calms me down, helps me know that I'm where I need to be, and gives me a healthy feeling of self-importance and self-worth that carries me through the more troublesome times that surely crop up.

It's times like this that I hope I can find the opportunity in life to be a counselor for youths dealing with SSA. I feel like I could be a great help to many, providing a dash of outside perspective and an understanding ear to people who feel like they have no where to turn and no where to go. It's a sad and lonely road for far too many of us, and I'm not sure that the whole road has to be that way. There are assuredly some stretches which must be traversed with only God by our side, but much of the way can be walked with friends and family supporting and encouraging us, relieving our burdens and reaching out to help when we need it. Too many have fallen off the path because they have attempted it alone. The gospel teaches us that we never need be alone. Even when performing individual ordinances for ourselves there are others involved in guiding our way - the comforting arms of the priesthood holder performing the baptism, the circle of priesthood holders bestowing the gift of the Holy Ghost, the escort guiding the way through the endowment ceremony, and ultimately, for those lucky enough to experience it, kneeling across an altar with one's soon-to-be-spouse in the sealing ceremony - every step is accompanied. Trodden alone (except for the sealing), but accompanied. Why do we barricade ourselves into our fortresses of self-doubt and pity, when we could be enjoying life with our friends? Sometimes I forget.