Thursday, May 17, 2007

rant: judgmental mohos - the flipside

I always feel like I have to preface my ranting with some disclaimers. My rants are my opinions. They aren't infalliable, nor do I consider them so, even for myself. My opinions are subject to change, mood, and season, among other things. I also realize that I sometimes (read: often) come across to some people as aloof, elitist, or even self-righteous. Let me state that that is never my intent - I share how I feel about things, and I hope that people will take it or leave it as they see fit.

However, that brings me to my rant. Some people, in leaving it, decide that because they disagree on something that I am wrong and should somehow be brought down for what I say/believe. Most of my life I've had to guard or protect my opinions. Growing up in a predominantly non-LDS community does that. I came under fire for what I believed in at least on a weekly basis. Honestly, that was part of the draw of BYU - a chance to study away from the judgments of those who disagree. Of course, BYU isn't all I thought it would be, and the judging continues in completely different (and sometimes strikingly similar) ways.

The last time I ranted, I pointed out that I have largely been hugely impressed by the moho community's open-mindedness and acceptance of things outside of normal experience. That still holds true. There is, however, a fairly strong group that for some reason feels that anyone who doesn't see the 'struggle' or whatever in the same way is not only wrong, but should be called out for their wrongness. I've felt attacked (different from being attacked, perhaps, but it was how I felt) by individuals who disagree with what I believe, and try to give me hell for it. And there's a difference between debating a point and giving me hell. I can tell the difference there. I've come under attack for pursuing a relationship with Salad simply because she's a girl. Oh yes, that's different than all those 'bigots' out there who would judge you for pursuing a relationship with a guy.

Someone said I'm probably not gay, because I haven't ever had sex with a guy. This from someone who proclaims that we are not sex acts.

Someone said I'm not being true to myself.

Someone said I'm self-righteous and that I belittle people by sharing my experiences, because I obviously think I'm better than they are.

Is there any place for me to go to be free from the incessant judging? I feel like I'm in a forever abusive relationship sometimes, being ripped this way and that, emotionally manipulated and thrown through hell, all because I have an opinion and decide to keep a blog. And sometimes I don't want to be the enabler. I try my utmost to accept people as they are, and for the most part I think I do an okay job, but apparently it doesn't always come out that way. And apparently people aren't content to accept me as I am.

So to those of you whom I may have offended in the past, I'm sorry, To those of you who think that I feel some sense of superiority over you, I'm sorry. That's never my intent, and for the most part I don't feel better than anyone else. I have just as many weaknesses and make just as many mistakes as the next guy. If you think I don't, you're deifying me, and that's not good. I'm just a man, and I'd like it if people could accept that occasionally men make mistakes or have bad days or just plain mess things up.

I can't decide if getting this out is going to make me scale back my opinions on things, become more acerbic in my online talk, or just end up with me being the same old me. I'm honestly a bit scared at how it will turn out, because I don't like shutting up much, nor do I like being mean. I suppose I should try for being me then, but what if me isn't good enough for everyone out there? I don't know if I want to deal with the emotional battering.

Anyway.

~drex

12 comments:

playasinmar said...

"Is there any place for me to go to be free from the incessant judging?"

Nope. Not on this planet. Nuh-uh.

drex said...

Sadly, I know that's true. Oh well.

Stephen said...

All that I can really say is that judgement will follow you no matter where you go, no matter how fast you run or how well you hide, it will always find you. Even in my beloved Oregon, there's judgement that has to be avoided. I'd like to say that responding to it well will make it go away, but that would be a lie. Just, try not to let it get your down. If you ever need vindication, just look at the people you've helped.

calvin said...

Not to sound like a yearbook, but "never change!" I hope you realize you're one of the very, very few people in the MoHo world that I can fully trust.

And if it makes you feel any better, I'm 100% sure you're gay. Just make sure Salad doesn't find out.

-L- said...

First of all, I'm lovin' the look. Very... eternal. :-)

And, second, I totally know what you're saying. I don't know if you ever saw my post responding to all the naysayers who had really upset me, but writing it was pretty therapeutic. I hope this post served that purpose for you too.

I think you're great, for what little that's worth.

Abelard Enigma said...

Might I suggest that, perhaps, you are just taking these criticisms too personally?

We all have our naysayers. I've had people send me private emails suggesting that I was well on the road to apostasy and needed to repent because of things I've written in my blog. I've had others suggest that my mixed orientation marriage is doomed to failure and that I should just accept that and get on with my gay life.

I think that's just the nature of the internet where people will write things in anonymity that they would never say in person. That's true for us as well. I know I write things in my blog that I can't ever imagine me saying out loud to another person face to face.

drex said...

Thanks, you guys. Unfortunately it's hard to just brush off some of this, because a few of the items have been thrown in my face by people I consider friends.

salad said...

I've felt the same way Drex does and I've been "attacked" by some of the same naysayers. I wish that we were just "taking it too personally" as AE suggests, but like Drex said, it's hard to do that when the ones who hit you hardest are those you consider to be friends.

brother bob said...

Maybe if you weren't so self-absorbed and arrogant you wouldn't be taking this so hard.

JOKE. I love you guys. And I'm sorry that people are stupid, dumb and retarded. I think both of your personalities are defined enough that scaling back isn't really an option, but maybe it's time to reevaluate what your friendships should entail if you're being emotionally manipulated to this extent. It's hardly healthy for you two and your future relationships, from what I can perceive.

Kengo Biddles said...

Drex, I guess your "friends" are just trying to "help" you. They see you making a decision that they themselves can't make, and they know that for them a relationship like you're undertaking with Salad would blow up.

Maybe you ned to distance from them if they're going to hurt you so. Maybe you need to tell them that they should mind their own business.

But what's important is that you and Salad are doing what you feel is right to do and that's the most important thing, right there. What matters is what you and Salad build between you.

You can do it. We're at 4 years and going strong!

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