meeting with the bishop

It's been an interesting day, to be sure. Started off the day bailing out my brother, who had a dentist's appointment but failed to nail down a way to get to the dentist's office. Needless to say, I was 20 minutes late to work and had to drive Salad's car home, and my brother had to go pick her up from the office when she was done with work. It was pretty silly. Had my voice lesson today, as well as rehearsal for the men's ensemble I'm in. Let me tell you - music is SO therapeutic for me, and not being in Men's Chorus this year (I was in it for two and a half years before) has been really sad for me, but it didn't fit my schedule and I'm kinda glad because it would have added almost as much stress as it expunged.

So Salad and I went in to talk with my bishop tonight. I have to preface this by saying that I love my bishop and trust him completely. He's a very spiritually in-touch person, he's very open, I love his philosophy on running the ward (we're ecclesiastical leaders, not matchmakers!), and he's not afraid to admit when he doesn't understand something. Tonight was one of those times he didn't understand, and he was very open about it. It's apparent that he's had people from the ward talk with him about SSA issues in the past, but that he had little experience with it and hadn't really 'done his homework,' so to speak. When I told him I had dealt with same-sex attraction for a long time, he was floored. He masked it relatively well, but he was flabbergasted. I don't think it helped that Salad was in the room with us, or that I was his executive secretary for a year or so, or that I've been such an upstanding member of the ward. I think in his mind gay people are supposed to be obvious about it and have some sort of distinguishing characteristic that makes it obvious for everyone else to identify. I guess I never displayed that particular marker.

At any rate, he tried really hard to keep a grip on the situation and spouted off some questions and some advice, but I was really there for the blessing. I have my situation under control, I'm not dealing with depression or anxiety stemming from my 'issues,' I haven't committed any grevious sins, I maintain a gospel perspective about the way I approach my life and my trials...I just wanted some insight as to what God wanted me to do/had in store for me/whatever He felt like sharing through an ordained conduit.

The blessing was nice.

Nice isn't the best adjective, though. I'll admit it, I was hoping for something a little more earth-shaking than what I got, but my expectations weren't ridiculous. I mostly wanted clarity, and I didn't really gain much. Some of the things that were said really spoke to me and I feel like overall it was a good experience and I needed to go through it. However, there were some aspects of the experience that didn't work out quite so well. Those of you priesthood holders out there know that sometimes while you're giving a blessing, there's a pause between bouts of inspiration. Some people just stand there silently, waiting for the promptings to come, and some people fill the void with things that they think the person wants/needs to hear. About 50% of the blessing was vamping. I don't fault my bishop for it, because I've known a lot of people who've vamped in blessing like that. I've been blessed with a fairly keen sensitivity to the Spirit if I'm living my life right, though, and I could tell when he was vamping. Oh, well. I got some of the blessing that I was looking for.

I will admit, though, that I was a little put off or even mildly offended that at the end (after a great and much more natural blessing given to Salad) the bishop expressed that he wanted to talk with me every couple of weeks. That privilege is generally reserved for people on the edge or who are actively dealing with a major sin or something. Not someone who's living his life about as righteously as he ever has since his mission, who really has control over his temptations and trials, and came to gain clarity on what God willed. Still, I love the man and really enjoy talking with him, so it won't be a chore or anything. It just kinda hurt that his lack of understanding runs so deep, I guess. I fully intend to help him understand a little bit more, and to offer to talk with anyone who comes through his office that's dealing with the same thing. We'll see if he thinks that I'm just trying to find a boyfriend or something. Oi. The other comfort I have is that my personal scripture study and personal prayer has been pretty powerful, and the inspiration I've received is keeping me aware of my path almost as well as a blessing could.

If you missed it, go down and read Salad's latest post. She's working on outlining our history to this point. It will help you understand where we're coming from, though I'll have to fill in gaps that show my side of the story. So far she's gotten it right. ;)

~drex

Episode #1: [insert catchy title here]

I was going to try and do this all in one post, but it’s turning out to be way longer than I anticipated…so here’s installment #1 to be continued tomorrow night…

This is going to be the post of all posts…at least for me, but before I dive into the back story and everything that implies, I have a few other comments to make.

We went and talked to Drex’s bishop tonight and it was really good. I didn’t say much, Drex talked the whole time (which is as it should have been), but I was able to get a blessing from the bishop and I was very much intrigued by the fact that much of what he said was lifted directly from my patriarchal blessing. It was a great strength to me and I hope I can remember what he said and keep on keepin’ on.

Yesterday was an academic day from hell, but my midterms and big papers are done for the moment and I can breathe for a few days before the barrage starts again, hence the post.

The moment you’ve been waiting for: the story of us...(Drex will most likely be appalled at the detail I remember ;) )
So we started almost 5 years ago when I was a freshman at BYU and he a sophomore. The first time I ever saw him was a little awkward for me. It was my first week in the dorms and I had come into my dorm after midnight on a Friday and he was sitting there talking to one of my roommates and another friend. Keep in mind that I didn’t know that BYU curfew was extended on Friday nights, so I was slightly appalled that he was there, but one of my other roommates quickly quelled my fears and I went to bed.

That first impression kind of made me feel intimidated after that because I felt kind of stupid for freaking out. Drex, his cousin, and two of my roommates started a scripture study group in the first couple weeks of school and I really wanted to be a part of it, but was too intimidated to ask if I could join in. Eventually my roommate invited me to join in with them and that’s pretty much where the friendship got its start.

Bit of an aside…keep in mind that Drex had dated my roommate (who he refers to as Psycho) the previous year and she was still chasing him while he was completely disinterested and occasionally annoyed by her behavior.

So I start developing a pretty big crush on Drex, but not wanting to cross lines with my roommate I just kind of kept it on friendship level for a while and that was my plan…until Preference (BYU girl’s choice dance) comes along and Psycho convinces me to ask Drex and that she’s totally fine with it. I waffled for a few days, but then decided to go for it. He said yes after I filled his dorm room with balloons and it was pretty much over after that for me.

We started spending ridiculous amounts of time together and discovered that we were essentially the same person. At that point I think it was more on a superficial level, but I think deep down we knew it went deeper. We struck up a pretty tight friendship in pretty short time. And as Drex has said before, he doesn’t make friends super easily…and I don’t either. Though neither of us acknowledged it out loud at that time, we were best friends and would continue that friendship through his mission.

My roommate (aka Psycho) really did go psycho right before Christmas. She was jealous that I was spending so much time with Drex and his cousin and told me that they were no longer welcome at our house. Yeah, that didn’t last for long. I got really angry and pretty much decided that she was not going to dictate anything for me.

The semester ended and I realized that Drex was going on his mission and it scared me because I didn’t want our friendship to end. We were leaving to go home on the same day, but I was leaving before he was, so he came down to say goodbye to me and drop some stuff off for me to store while he was on the mission. My feelings didn’t hit me until I got off the plane and saw my parents. I walked into my mother’s arms in tears, not because I was excited to see them, but because I had said goodbye to my best friend and I didn’t know if I was going to see him again. I know it sounds really melodramatic, but the feelings were real.

He went into the MTC at the end of January and I was able to go to the MTC with him and literally send him off. It was hard, but I managed not to cry (I get points for that one). Three days later I was smacked in the face with the reality of how long 2 years is and ended up bawling on the phone to my mom for a while. Then I decided to pick myself up and get through the next 2 years.

TO BE CONTINUED...

S.

historical: first inklings

First off, the day. I actually had a really good day once it got going. Getting two and a half hours of sleep doesn't make for the best start to the day, but work was good and then I got to school. Had a midterm in my cross-cultural family class, which I dozed off in. I swear, that class kills me. I dozed off 3 times during the first test earlier in the semester. This time wasn't quite so bad, but ugh. Anyway, finished pretty fast and ran off to find Hidden. We hung out for a while, basking in the sun, and then Salad skipped her class to join us and we all stayed out in the sun for almost an hour and a half. It was awesome. I skipped the rest of my classes for the day so I could take a much-needed nap. Salad, Hidden and I skipped around the mall for a while then came back and mostly just vegged and ate dinner. Probably one of the most laid-back, fun evenings I've had in a while, and very appreciated. I don't know how I'd deal with life and the stresses I've got if it weren't for the unwavering support and love of Salad and the aid of good friends. Or friend, since that's about where I'm at these days. :P

Before I get into the first of my 'historical' posts, I just want to emphasize what a great blessing good friends are. I don't make good friends easily, because I'm fairly insular and introverted, and if I sense any untrustworthiness or flightiness, I'm slow to trust. It's been immensely beneficial to have trusted friends whom I can talk with, and it's really reminded me that I have to make sure I'm the type of person people can trust as a friend, so I can be that pillar of strength if the need arises.

Okay, so I intend on having a series of 'historical' posts - basically blasts from my past giving insight into who I am. I've never been much of a journal-er. Blogs, online journals, and the like are typically more cathartic for me because I crave the feedback, but there were the situations where my journal was just the escape I needed. I'm sure all you Mohos out there (I agree with whoever said that reminds them of a sickly sweet treat, but it's a good descriptive term) who kept journals have looked back and seen the tell-tale signs. Some of my tell-tale signs are quite pronounced, in part because I've always been fairly honest with myself and came to terms with my SSA early on in my high school years.

The earliest, most vivid memory I have of SSA happened after I moved in the middle of third grade. I was not too much older than 8. We moved to a new state, and I started at a new school. There was a boy that I became friends with not too long thereafter, and once while running around playing tag during recess, I had the thought pop in to my head "I really want to kiss him." Considering we were all in the phase of kissing-is-gross, that was a really weird thought, and I dismissed it.

The next strong indication of what I would be dealing with came in sixth grade. Multiple elementary schools funnelled into one middle school, and we were put with kids from different areas that we hadn't met. One of those new kids was another member of the church (this was upstate New York, so members were few and far between) from across town that I developed a crush on. In fact, that crush continues to this day, and if I see him on campus (he's married now) I still get a little flutter inside. Awkward. Anyway, here's an entry from my journal, dated Sunday, August 11, 1996:

"Yesterday I got back from an international camp near Watertown. I had a strange feeling when I helped Tyler [name changed] stay above water in the watermelon sprawl [we were chasing a buttered-up watermelon in knee-deep water on the side of a lake, and Tyler was wrestling with the watermelon and a bunch of guys while I made sure he didn't drown], and I can't explain it, but I've felt it before."

Nearly every entry from that point onward documents whether I'd felt that recently, and under what circumstances it would occur. Eventually I figured out that I was experiencing crushes, but it took a while. Looking back, I wish I'd kept a better journal, but what I've got provides some fairly decent insight into how the journey has been. Some of it is still only floating around in my head, so I hope I'll be able to get it down in here. We'll see how brutally honest I can be about myself.

~drex

just a quick post

It's getting kinda late and I'm not even really close to getting my assignment done, and it's due tomorrow. Plus I'm studying and prepping for a midterm that I have to take tomorrow afternoon in another class, so I'm going to keep this a brief overview of my day.

First off, I suppose, is that I didn't get to talk to my bishop. The time he had available didn't work for me and I didn't get the voicemail from the executive secretary until too late. The after church the bishop was swamped with ecclesiastical endorsement interviews. I'm going to try to make it over to talk with him between the end of my class and the beginning of my choir rehearsal on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to it.

Salad and I went to her ward for sacrament meeting, then boogied over to my ward for my sacrament meeting. Both meetings were pretty good with a few boring spots. Better than some other recent meetings, for sure.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep so I can wake up early to get this stupid assignment done. I'm planning an interesting post when I have time for it, and it looks like tomorrow might be the day, so keep an eye out. I want to thank those of you who've commented on this blog so far - it's great to be able to jump into a new community of individuals and be accepted into the circle so readily. Some of the ideas brought up in discussion have really sparked some lines of thought for me, as well. I'm liking the intellectual/emotional stimulation.

~drex

joseph smith movie is so sad

I'm tired to the point of almost falling over right now, so I'm going to keep this brief and without major aside. Salad had a job interview for a teaching position this morning, so we went up and I worked on homework in the car while she was interviewing. Afterwards we went to lunch, then headed up to Salt Lake to watch the Joseph Smith movie. Can I just say...I consider myself a fairly sensitive guy, but I don't often cry in movies. This movie is three for three in making me bawl, though. Not only does it have emotionally manipulative down, but there's honestly a lot of Spirit in it and a lot of power that transcends mere emotion. I love the movie. It's sad, but so sweet.

I'm really looking forward to talking with my bishop tomorrow. He's a fantastic guy that I trust completely. I've been in this ward for two years, and my cousins have been here for over three. Our bishop is like family. Salad and I are both going to go talk with him and let him know our situation, and I really want a priesthood blessing from a person who knows the story and what's going on, and who can hopefully be a conduit for God to directly address what I've been going through.

And now I really am literally too tired to keep my eyes open. While I'm typing. It's to the level of ridiculous, which means I have to shelf my desire to keep posting about interesting things and give it up for some future time.

~drex