Sunday, April 15, 2007

the open book of life, chapter xo: Kissing

Alright, it’s my turn to weigh in on this aspect of our relationship. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about posting on such personal things, but I hope that what we have to say will benefit those of you who read this. After all, mixed-orientation relationships aren’t something we find a whole lot of research on.

I guess I should back track a little…up until about 2 weeks ago, I was completely fine with the fact that we hadn’t progressed to the kissing stage yet. A lot of people would ask me if Drex was a good kisser and I’d shrug and respond with, “I dunno” and move on with the conversation. His brother even remarked one day, “you really don’t care, do you?” It was true, I didn’t. But for some reason, about 2 weeks ago, the fact that we hadn’t kissed started to affect me. Eight times out of ten I was still ok with the fact that we hadn’t kissed, but those other two times it was all I could do to respect the fact that Drex just wasn’t there yet.

One of the biggest problems for me is that I really do enjoy kissing. I’ve dated a few people and reaped the benefits of being with someone else who loves to kiss as much as I do. It’s hard for me to understand why people wouldn’t enjoy kissing, but at least this situation is a little easier to wrap my mind around ;)

Things came to a head yesterday when I very nearly succumbed to the pressures being placed on both of us. I felt really bad approaching Drex and will admit to being…scared (but that’s not really the right word) when he responded the way he did. Luckily it didn’t do any irreparable damage.

Later that day, another pressure was heaped upon us and in an effort to respect Drex and make sure that he didn’t have to deal with that pressure, I inadvertently made things worse. I felt terrible and even contemplated just giving up on kissing anytime soon altogether. Kissing is something I enjoy and something I feel to be an integral part of a relationship, but I didn’t want to be kissed because he had been pressured into it. I almost decided that if he tried to kiss me last night I wouldn’t let him—I’m glad I didn’t though.

Even though Drex didn’t enjoy kissing as much as he wanted to, I think it was a good experience for both of us. I will admit that I kind of like the fact that he turned the initiation part over to me as it will make things easier on my end. I fully intend on putting my somewhat limited experience to use to coach him through and potentially get to the point where he can enjoy it more.

We’ll see what happens and where this takes us now, but I have high hopes for our future (with some reservations) and I know that everything will work for our good.

S.

22 comments:

bob said...

Now you have no reason to complain! Unless you want sex, but that's a little bit weird. Especially with my brother.

I can certainly see his point of view...I don't have a lurking desire to swap spit and tongue wrestle with anyone...but I'll probably figure it out at some point too (my lack of desire may stem from a practical perspective rather than a romantic one). Cousin Stupid did say that Cousin Insane just needed to kiss a girl once and he'd be sold. Maybe that's true of me too. I (we?) just find it weird.

I'll just blame dad for no apparent reason.

Stephen said...

I'm definitely with you on this one. Kissing is fun; I don't get how people can not enjoy it, but I respect your ability to be OK with that. That said, congratulations on making this advance in your relationship.

So is he a good kisser? ;p

Brady said...

Okay, Salad I'm totally with you on this one too! Kissing is sooo much fun and I don't know how people would not enjoy it. But then again... I completely understand why people would not enjoy it. This is one of the difficulties of mixed-orientation relationships, but I think it's possible to overcome. There are plenty of ways you can express love for each other, even if both of you don't enjoy this particular activity.

I know this is very personal stuff that you guys have talked about, so thank you for sharing. It is something I've wondered a lot about (in contemplating dating and kissing a girl at some point). I am open to kissing a girl, and even think I would enjoy it, but this helps to put a practical perspective on it.

playasinmar said...

If kissing doesn't work for your relationship you could base it around something else. Perhaps thousand-piece puzzles or adopting cats would work.

drex said...

playa: Right now my favorite thing to do is run my fingers through her hair endlessly, and that seems to work for us. :P

Stephen: I'm an AWFUL kisser. I have no experience, and I don't get it - I don't see how it could be otherwise.

salad said...

he's not an awful kisser, just for the record ;)

isaac said...

practice makes perfect.

Stephen said...

I'm sure he'll be an expert at it in no time.

calvin said...

Your MOM's a great kisser!!

bob said...

Calvin deserves a high-five.

Though, his mom is my mom, so that's somewhat disconcerting. But I don't doubt it. I mean, it has been 25 years and they've still got it.

Stephen said...

I'm suddenly very confused about who Bob is...

oh, and EEEEEEW!!!!!

salad said...

Bob: you have a knack for killing perfectly good conversation.

Bob said...

Perfectly good my left tonsil.

Charlie said...

Calvin, you've spent way too much time with me. lol

Mormon Enigma said...

Kissing? Ewwww!!!

FWIW, my wife and I don't kiss, and we've made it 27 years. Kissing her across the alter in the Temple when we were married was one of the hardest things I had ever done at the time. And, that was only the 2nd time we kissed in the 6 years we had known each other (well, 4 years if you don't count the mission years). We've kissed a few times in the last 27 years. But, not much. And, for me, only when I feel it is my duty to do so (although, I think she enjoys it and secretly wishes I liked it). Basically, I kiss only when I have to, or feel it prudent to do so.

And, I don't think it is because she is a girl. I don't think I could kiss a guy either. Like Bob said, swapping spit and tongue wrestling is just kind of gross.

BTW, I'm still confused - who is Bob?

Stephen said...

I'm pretty sure it's Drex' little brother, but his second to last comment made me think that he's a relative of Calvin's? But then, that's just impossible, so I'm back to square one.

drex said...

Yeah, it's my little brother. He was just a bit (hugely) unclear in that one response.

Vanessa said...

Yay, you've kissed! That warms my heart inside.

bob said...

Well excuuUUUUUuuse me for not specifying who "he" is. It seemed pret-ty intuitive to me.

Mormon Enigma said...

drex, I have to say how very impressed I am with how open, honest, and up front you are with the people in your life. I am also very impressed with the support you receive from those close to you.

The only person who knows about my proclivities is Heloise (my wife). I love her dearly; she is my very best friend, and I never want to do anything to hurt her. But, I will have to say that I don't receive near the support that you do (at least on this particular aspect of my life).

Salad, Bob, (and any others in drex's live that may be reading this blog) I salute you. And, drex, I hope you appreciate how very blessed you are to have these people in your life.

And, Bob, welcome to the Mormon queerosphere. I can imagine that it must be a little weird for you.

drex said...

Oh yes, I am very aware of how incredibly lucky and blessed I am. Having open-minded parents who raised me to be open-minded has led me to become friends with many open-minded people, and that's been a huge benefit. I've been nothing but impressed with how everyone close to me has reacted as I've told them. It's one of the major reasons that I have hope in the possible future for BYU, but that's a completely different matter.

salad said...

ME: he's not the only to be blessed. I have found myself blessed beyond reason recently. I'm living my dreams and finding that there are others joining me that I wouldn't trade for the world.