Sunday, April 15, 2007

relationship progression: kissing

It makes me sad that my busy-ness has overtaken my blogging. I can't wait for all my papers to be written and my finals to be done - the stress that plagues my mind and the minds of those close to me leave us all on-edge and near the breaking point. Salad and I went to a concert on Friday night, and I was moved to tears. Twice. That doesn't generally happen (except with Whitacre's When David Heard, which is arguably the most soul-wrenching song in existence), but my emotions were so close to the surface, and the feelings were so acute that I couldn't help it. While I don't much enjoy crying in public, it was worth the experience.

I was also going to opine on another subject, but what I have has become so lengthy that I'm going to hold off until tonight or tomorrow. It's something that's weighed about as heavily on my mind recently, so it's important for me to blogbarf on it.

So. Some of you in the know and close to us have been very interested in this aspect of our situation. I'll catch everyone up, because though it's pretty personal, it's not so personal that I won't divulge to inquiring minds. I have a hangup with kissing. First of all, I just don't get it. What's so great about kissing? Maybe I'm just not wired right. Another way for me to be defective. ;) Second, my mind works in odd ways, and I'm fairly certain that progressing to the kissing stage when my mind isn't prepared would be a bad idea, and a psychological setback for me. I know it's supposed to be 'just kissing,' but for some reason I've got great importance attached to it - probably because everyone else likes it so much, and I don't think I understand it. I've done stage kisses for a high school musical, and film kisses for a movie I was in. I've also been smooched by a semi-trashy smoker girl backstage at that same musical, but I've never been in a situation where I've kissed someone romantically. People tell me I'll just 'get it,' but I have my doubts. I think I understand myself better than most people realize.

And that was actually a small point of contention last night. Enough people know about my hangups on this, and want my 'best interests' that they've been trying to get it to just happen, because they think that's best. I had told Salad that without doubt, I wanted to feel like I had overcome my mental blocks and gotten to a point where I was at least comfortable with trying before we did it. She almost got swayed otherwise talking with other people, and it was only my frantic pleadings that talked her out of it. She even prefaced with "You're going to hate me for this, but...." That didn't offend me, but it set the stage for later on in the day, when yet another person made an innocent comment about how she should just lay one on me right then. For some reason that just set me off inside, and I had to isolate myself so I could examine what made me so mad about it. I decided it's because I felt cornered, and that no one was listening to what I was saying - despite telling many people that I needed to overcome this mental hurdle before taking the next step, they were deciding what was in my 'best interests' without regard for my opinion. I know they meant well, but I understand me. My self-analysis is in-depth, very probing, very honest, and typically quite accurate. The mounting pressures to live up to everyone else's expectations for a relationship of which I am a half became to much to want to deal with.

Anyway, I've been working on getting past this for days or even weeks now. It's a logical step in a relationship, even if I don't get it, and I know Salad likes kissing a lot. Last night I finally felt like I'd mentally braced myself enough to take that step. I think my fears were very well founded, and after doing some kissing last night, I can honestly say that I still don't get it. I think I'm just not a kissing kind of guy. It was more enjoyable than any previous stage kiss or whatever that I've had, but it's not something that I'd look forward to all the time, and I certainly don't understand lengthy make-out sessions. Seems like a waste of time for me. Perhaps as I experience it more it'll grow on me, and I hope it does, but for right now I've told Salad that she'll have to initiate anything, and that I won't enjoy it as much as she does, because I just don't understand what's so great about it. I can imagine kissing anyone, girl or guy, and it just really doesn't do anything for me. Oh well. Salad says she's gonna coach me through it. ;)

Although if there are any opinions out there, especially from anyone who's had remotely similar experiences, please share. I'll take everything with a grain of salt, but I will take it. And I'm curious how everyone else falls on the subject.

~drex

11 comments:

Samantha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Samantha said...

Okay--I have to say I'm in complete agreement about the kissing thing...and one time (okay maybe more than once) I actually punched a guy (okay, maybe more than one) for kissing me when I wasn't prepared for it and didn't want it. I don't mind casual cheek kisses--they're usually unobtrusive and kind of sweet--but making out has never been something I long for.

I will also say this: after practicing for years, I'm starting to like it more. Maybe because I'm with a person I feel completely safe with, someone with whom I'm intimate, and because I'm starting to relax a little more. Maybe. Or maybe I'm being blessed, because I'm finding out why people like it, and that's a good thing.

calvin said...

I'm happy for you guys! I say that because that's a stage that I hope to reach someday. Other than Betsy when I was really young, I've never kissed a girl-- but I think I'm willing to try. In this, though, I can relate to you, Drex. I've said before that kissing a girl will feel like kissing my mom, but that's not true. I think it'll feel more like kissing my pillow (which I've never done-- I promise). Kissing a guy would have a little more feeling I think but I still wouldn't be eager to jump into it.

Um, I'll admit that seeing two guys kiss is pretty hot though...

bob said...

ick. gwoss.

P:

Stephen said...

Congratulations. I don't really know what else to say. It might grow on you, it might not, but it's a sign of a deepening of your relationship. I'm really happy for you.

Charlie said...

Honestly, I don't get it either. I've kissed a few people before, but I think it was only for the reason that "we're dating, that's what you're supposed to do." Whenever I hear about make out sessions (Calvin *cough cough* you know what I mean) I get really confused because it doesn't make sense to me. How is that "fun"? However, I guess it would probably grow on me if I had someone TO kiss.... And yeah, I didn't know if you guys had kissed before or not, but guess this answers the question.

Brady said...

I'm really happy for you as well! I think it's an important step in any relationship, even if it doesn't seem productive or entertaining in this situation. Kissing can be a very exciting experience and really help develop a level of intimacy in your relationship that is difficult to gain any other way. That's the purpose I think. That and perhaps just to express love - which you can definitely do other ways, so no pressure.

Kissing was always a hard thing for me too. I have never kissed a girl, mostly because when I had the opportunity it didn't seem appealing to me - much like what you've expressed. It still doesn't. But I'm with Calvin in saying that the idea of two guys kissing is totally hot. And I'll make a confession here and also add that after trying it, kissing is an amazing experience. I don't know how to explain my experiences with it as anything other than exciting, entertaining, and well-worth the time investment.

Everybody is different though, and maybe kissing is just not your thing. I'm sure it will grow on you to some extent. Anyway, I'm happy for you and thanks for sharing.

Foxx said...

For what it's worth:

I didn't get kissing. I wanted to take my relationship with Julie to the "next level," but I just wasn't motivated to do so. She wasn't the kind of girl who would make the first move in that direction, but it was clear that she was interested in touching my mouth with hers. She was the experienced one; I was timid. I had this idea in my head that I didn't want to kiss somebody just because I was supposed to (I don't like doing things simply because I'm 'supposed to'), but that I should wait until I wanted to first.

When that hadn't happened by 23, I thought something must be wrong with me, that I might have faulty wiring.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that kissing might be one of those things that you had to taste first to crave it, so she and I started kissing. I found it entirely underwhelming even though she claimed to be floating on air for days afterward. I kept asking myself, "What gives? What's so great about kissing? It just feels like mouths touching. Big deal." I had little motivation to do it again, except now that I had crossed that line, she wanted to kiss all the time.

This was before I realized that I was attracted to guys.

When I kissed a guy for the first time, it was completely different. Emotions were involved. It was exciting! I floated on air for days afterward! I finally understood!

So maybe you're just gay. ;)

drex said...

osnap

i never thought of that! ^_~

salad said...

wait...HE'S GAY????????? dang it!

Stephen said...

Say it isn't so! I don't believe you!