Tuesday, March 13, 2007

historical: first inklings

First off, the day. I actually had a really good day once it got going. Getting two and a half hours of sleep doesn't make for the best start to the day, but work was good and then I got to school. Had a midterm in my cross-cultural family class, which I dozed off in. I swear, that class kills me. I dozed off 3 times during the first test earlier in the semester. This time wasn't quite so bad, but ugh. Anyway, finished pretty fast and ran off to find Hidden. We hung out for a while, basking in the sun, and then Salad skipped her class to join us and we all stayed out in the sun for almost an hour and a half. It was awesome. I skipped the rest of my classes for the day so I could take a much-needed nap. Salad, Hidden and I skipped around the mall for a while then came back and mostly just vegged and ate dinner. Probably one of the most laid-back, fun evenings I've had in a while, and very appreciated. I don't know how I'd deal with life and the stresses I've got if it weren't for the unwavering support and love of Salad and the aid of good friends. Or friend, since that's about where I'm at these days. :P

Before I get into the first of my 'historical' posts, I just want to emphasize what a great blessing good friends are. I don't make good friends easily, because I'm fairly insular and introverted, and if I sense any untrustworthiness or flightiness, I'm slow to trust. It's been immensely beneficial to have trusted friends whom I can talk with, and it's really reminded me that I have to make sure I'm the type of person people can trust as a friend, so I can be that pillar of strength if the need arises.

Okay, so I intend on having a series of 'historical' posts - basically blasts from my past giving insight into who I am. I've never been much of a journal-er. Blogs, online journals, and the like are typically more cathartic for me because I crave the feedback, but there were the situations where my journal was just the escape I needed. I'm sure all you Mohos out there (I agree with whoever said that reminds them of a sickly sweet treat, but it's a good descriptive term) who kept journals have looked back and seen the tell-tale signs. Some of my tell-tale signs are quite pronounced, in part because I've always been fairly honest with myself and came to terms with my SSA early on in my high school years.

The earliest, most vivid memory I have of SSA happened after I moved in the middle of third grade. I was not too much older than 8. We moved to a new state, and I started at a new school. There was a boy that I became friends with not too long thereafter, and once while running around playing tag during recess, I had the thought pop in to my head "I really want to kiss him." Considering we were all in the phase of kissing-is-gross, that was a really weird thought, and I dismissed it.

The next strong indication of what I would be dealing with came in sixth grade. Multiple elementary schools funnelled into one middle school, and we were put with kids from different areas that we hadn't met. One of those new kids was another member of the church (this was upstate New York, so members were few and far between) from across town that I developed a crush on. In fact, that crush continues to this day, and if I see him on campus (he's married now) I still get a little flutter inside. Awkward. Anyway, here's an entry from my journal, dated Sunday, August 11, 1996:

"Yesterday I got back from an international camp near Watertown. I had a strange feeling when I helped Tyler [name changed] stay above water in the watermelon sprawl [we were chasing a buttered-up watermelon in knee-deep water on the side of a lake, and Tyler was wrestling with the watermelon and a bunch of guys while I made sure he didn't drown], and I can't explain it, but I've felt it before."

Nearly every entry from that point onward documents whether I'd felt that recently, and under what circumstances it would occur. Eventually I figured out that I was experiencing crushes, but it took a while. Looking back, I wish I'd kept a better journal, but what I've got provides some fairly decent insight into how the journey has been. Some of it is still only floating around in my head, so I hope I'll be able to get it down in here. We'll see how brutally honest I can be about myself.

~drex

5 comments:

Mormon Enigma said...

My first crush was in high school for a Mormon boy - and this was several years before I joined the church. Kind of funny when I think back on it.

playasinmar said...

When I was seven I asked my mom to buy a Ken doll. I wanted to undress him and see what's what down there.

You can imagine my dissapointment. :)

drex said...

Haha, I can remember doing that sort of thing, except I did it at a friend's house. I will admit being confused that Barbie just seemed to be a sleek, smooth gal and Ken for some reason had underwear fused to his body.

playasinmar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Hidden Gay said...

Drex,

I am friend. LOL Thanks for the chill evening. My fav was how Salad was pretty much unconscious the entire time and didn't respond to anything funny the entire night. It was a good unwind for me also.

I disagree *poke* with your sidebar about you. Just cuz Salad is a girl doesn't make her the ONLY loving one. Damned liar.

Uhhh...my childhood was erased by the Haitian so I can't report on my first homosexual inklings...

~Hidden